Courage

I can't say I'm courageous, but this quote from Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird resonated with me ...

“I wanted you to see what real courage is. 

It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin 

but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.”

I'm so glad we saw it through.

Week Six

This week went pretty well. The schedule increased this week and looked like this:
Monday - stretch and strengthen
Tuesday - 4.5 miles
Wednesday - 3 miles or XT
Thursday - 4.5 miles and strengthen
Friday - REST
Saturday - XT
Sunday - 7 miles

My run on Tuesday was tough. I ran about 25 minutes and then just felt so tired that I walked a little bit. That definitely helped and I still finished my run in less than 45 minutes. I woke up not feeling like running, but a little white butterfly showed up and gave me inspiration. Towards the end of my run, I another white butterfly floated by, giving me the strength to finish - thank you Brienna :)

Thursday's run was great. Felt much more refreshed, ran the 4.5 in a little less than 43 minutes. Not too bad!!

I did my long run on Saturday (9 miles!!), and did it on the treadmill because it was pouring out. The treadmill I was on had a 60 minute time limit which sucked. At 35 minutes, I felt like I was dying. When the 60 minutes was up, I walked for 5 and then ran another 30. I did 9.2 in 90 minutes, or something like that. At least 9 miles in 90 minutes, which I'll take. I didn't have the same elation I had last week, because this just felt so much harder. My legs felt like jello, but I guess the main thing is that I finished! So I am definitely happy about that.

I have been doing absolutely nothing in terms of strength training, so need to work on that this week. Especially my legs, but my arms are losing muscle too and I am mad about that.

On a side note, I wore my skinny jeans this weekend! And got several compliments. I also wore a dress today and had a bunch of people say that I looked great. So, I am happy about that. I'd so much rather have Brienna here, but I'll take what I can, I guess.

Soul Mates

I just read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. At one point in the book, she talks about soul mates and says, "people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

Granted the conversation in the book was about her ex-boyfriend, but when I read this, I instantly thought of Brienna. She has truly helped me change my life ... I can say with 100% certainty that I am not the same person I was before I knew Brienna. I continue to be amazed at all that she taught me and continues to teach me. In so many ways, I am lucky.

Week Six

This is the first week that I pretty much followed the training schedule. Well, almost.

Tuesday I just did not want to get out bed. I was a lazy POS all day, but kept thinking about the fact that I should have gone running. I was laying on the couch in the afternoon, and decided to just go for it. I am glad I did! It ended up being a pretty great run. I did 43 minutes, which when I mapped it afterwards was about 4.3 miles. So I'm definitely a 10 minute pace right now, which is fine by me. I didn't even look at my watch until 3.5 miles had gone by, and i even tried to extend the route, which is huge for me.

Wednesday I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, but it was humid out and I was somewhat miserable. I think the 4 miles was easier, which is just crazy to me! I never thought that 4 miles would be easy - woo hoo!

Thursday I again didn't wanted to get out bed. Lazy, lazy. Pat and I planned to go to the gym but of course didn't, so I used Thursday as a rest day.

Friday, I did the 4 miles. I had stayed up until 3AM reading Thursday night, so again, I did not want to get out bed. But, I ran in the afternoon and had a good run. I did 4 miles in 37:40, which is huge for me. I felt good and am happy with my progress thus far.

I did nothing on Saturday - oops.

On to Sunday. The schedule called for running a 5K, but I was starting to get nervous about the fact that we only run 10 miles before the actual race. So I decided that I would attempt 7 miles. It was pouring out, so I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. I ended up doing 8 MILES!!!! I am so freaking proud of myself. The last 18 minutes was tough, but doable. I was even able to up the pace for the last 2 minutes, which made me happy. I ended up doing 80 minutes, and my average pace was 9:50. So really I ran 8.1 miles. Either way, I am ecstatic. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I though it would be. Brienna was with me every step of the way and I have to say, it makes me just want to keep pushing. I am amazed with myself because I'm convinced it's all mental. My knee felt fine (I'm still using the PattStrap, which I love) and I was able to do more than I ever thought possible. I mean, I know the goal is 13.1 miles, but still. I'm just so proud of myself. I need to make sure I really stretch, because I have a feeling I'm going to be sore!

But either way, YEAH!! I think I might be a runner :)

Week Five

My ITB was sore this week, so I didn't do the 4 mile run I was supposed to on Tuesday. This is the first time that my knee really hurt going down stairs - that sharp pain was back, so I babied my knee and am glad that I did!

Wednesday, Pat, B and I did a 45 minute trail walk, which was great - we were down the Cape.

Thursday, I got up early and took B to the bike path. It was a perfect morning weather-wise. We ran for 45 minutes, and I felt amazing. I timed myself at one point using the mile markers on the trail, and according to that ran a 9-minute mile at least for one mile. That doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense to me, because I don't run that fast. I was thinking that maybe it was marking KM, but 9 minutes for .6 miles doesn't make sense either. So who knows, but either way, I felt great and definitely ran a negative split, which makes me happy :)

I decided to do my long run on Saturday, because we had a wedding on Sunday. I ran 6 miles in 61 minutes - with NO stopping to walk! I was so freaking happy :) I ran in Canton and did an out and back route, and it was great. There is a hill by the high school that almost killed me, but I saw Andrea and Phil right afterwards and that kinda kept me going. And, I talk to Brienna and that helps too. I swear she picks me up as I'm running. 6 miles is a big milestone for me. I'm not sure I've ever run 6 miles, and definitely not all at once. So YEAH!!

Week Four - Long Run

Was supposed to run on Thursday, but didn't. My ITB was sore after Tuesday's run, so I opted against running.

Saturday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical machine for 40 minutes. I can tell I'm in better shape, because I didn't even look at the clock until 41 minutes was up! I was pretty happy about that.

Sunday, Kris and I ran together. We went to the East Bay Bike Path and it was ok. I ended up doing 30/5/23 but didn't love it. Kris and I don't run well together! We ran the first 30 minutes together, and I felt my knee really start to hurt at the end of the 30 minutes which bummed me out. I'm not sure if I picked up my pace or what, but it wasn't the best run in the world to say the least. But I did it, and that is the important part! I find that I'm exhausted on the days I run ...

Week Four - Tuesday's Run

So, today was another 3.5 mile day. I decided that because Sunday's run went so well, I would try and do the whole thing all at once. And I did!! 37:30 of running ... I definitely run slow, about a 10:30+ mile, but I truly could care less. Just running is a victory for me, so I'm happy.

I did feel some ITB discomfort, so am worried about that. I am hoping that with lots of ice and stretching, I'll be okay. For most of the run, I actually felt pretty good. It was towards the end when my knee hurt that I wanted to just be done already, but I felt really good beyond that. It makes me very happy to be able to say that :)

When I got home, I did a modified chest and back workout. I love the way my arms are looking, and want to keep it up so that they stay nice. I want them more lean, so need to figure out how to get that to happen ... Tomorrow is arms/shoulders, which I'll modify but overall, training is going well. I hope, hope, hope it continues to go this well!

I thank Brienna every day, because she makes it possible for me to do this. And for that, I'm lucky ... I think of her beautiful little face, and it gives me the push I need to keep going. Love it.

Week Three - Long Run

Friday was a rest day, but since I did nothing on Wednesday, I figured I'd better work out. So I did the P90X legs and back workout. It was harder than I remember and my legs were sore!!

Saturday was 40 minutes of XT, so Pat, B and I walked at a brisk clip for 50 minutes, which I was happy about. I was incredibly nervous for the 5 mile run ... but kinda excited too. I guess I was very anticipatory!

I planned on running along the bike trail, so Pat dropped me off this morning which was excellent. My plan had been to run 17/17/16, so make up the 50 minutes. I wore my Patt Strap for the first time and as I set out, I felt great. I think I must have been running really slowly but I felt fantastic. I was SO happy. I ended up running 30 minutes, walking 5 minutes and running another 23. I couldn't believe it! I actually wanted to keep running at 30 minutes, but decided it probably wasn't the best idea ... I started feeling my ITB on the second leg of the run, but it was okay. I really cannot believe that I ran 5 miles - I am SOO happy!! I really don't think that I have run that far since college. It makes me feel like a million bucks. The weather was close to perfect, which I definitely think had something to do with it because it just felt easy. Which compared to the way I felt on Thursday, it was like I was a different person. I wonder how slowly I was really running, because I felt that good ... I ran extra at the end too, so I know I did at least 5 miles. YEAH!!

Week Three - Wednesday & Thursday

So yesterday was supposed to be 2 miles or XT, and I cheated and did nothing. I just wasn't up for it ... it was Brienna's three month birthday and it was a struggle just to get out of bed. So I let myself just be all day ...

Today was a 3.5 mile run plus strength training. I did 13/3/12/3/11. The first leg I ran faster than I have been, a 10 minute mile rather than a 10:20 mile. I felt pretty good, but I'm not sure if it messed me up the rest of the time. The second and third legs I was just exhausted. I felt like I was out of gas and running on empty. My legs and my lungs felt heavy, but my ITB was okay until the end of the third leg, which was partly downhill. I got my period yesterday, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with how I felt ... I was also kinda dreading the run, so perhaps that had something to do with it as well? I wish I had just stayed up at 8:00 and run then, rather than go back to bed and run at 11. Bad choice!!

When I got home, I did a modified P90X arm/shoulder workout and ab ripper X. I kinda feel like my arms are getting too big, so I'm not going to do the full P90X workouts and I'll see what happens ... they don't look as lean as I want them too, though I am certainly critical of myself. Pat says I look great, but he would say that no matter what :)

We're heading to the Cape this weekend, which will be nice. I need to try and be careful about my eating, but it's hard there! And sometimes it's like what the hell, I look pretty good, feel pretty good and I might as well enjoy, but then I get home and get mad when the number on the scale goes up, not down. I can't believe I am three months postpartum ... I miss Brienna :( I've cried literally every day for the last three months, but I think I need to give myself permission to not cry. Or at least know that it's okay if I don't cry ...

5 mile run on Sunday, but I might switch it to Saturday because next Sunday we're going to be away and I need to ensure that I run on Saturday ... we'll see how it goes. I'm nervous!!

A Pair of Shoes

A Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her child.

To say I hate my shoes is an understatement. At times, it is almost unbearable to wear them. Other times, I feel numb to them. Today marks three months since Brienna was born. I miss her and ache for her. I am sad today. I worry that people think I should be moving on, shouldn't be as sad anymore. But I can't help it ... I am sad and wish my baby was here with me. All day today, I've been getting texts from my family and friends, telling me that they are thinking about me. They make me feel better, and I am lucky to have them in my life. Knowing that other people love and hurt for Brienna comforts me ... it helps validates my feelings in a way. Nothing can take the pain away, but it helps take the loneliness away, and I am thankful for that. Tomorrow is a new day, one that will hopefully be brighter. But today, I am sad.

I love you and miss you Brienna Marie ...

Week Three

Monday: Stretch and Strengthen. I did a modified P90X chest and back workout (one time through on my own, not following the video) and I did Ab Ripper X.

Tuesday: 3.5 miles. I ran 12/3/12/3/12 and was so happy! The second leg felt the hardest, and I felt my ITB on both the second and third legs of the run ... the first part felt so good. I ran earlier than I have been and the weather was cool and crisp. Perhaps that has something to do with it. I feel so empowered after I run. I feel so good about myself and I think the feeling carries over throughout the day. I'm so glad I ran this morning, as I was out all day and would have been dreading doing it ... running with a purpose makes things so much easier for me. I love running knowing that in a small way, it's for Brienna. I wish she was in a stroller with me :(

Tomorrow is 2 miles or XT. My plan is to do the P90X arms and shoulders workout, as well as Ab Ripper X. My arms are starting to look defined - it's kinda crazy! But I'm embracing it ... it's one area of my life that I have control, and that is a nice feeling.

Breaking the (blog) Silence

It's been so long since I've posted, but I need to ask for your help. Please, please, please pray for little Brianna and her parents and sister. Brianna has full Trisomy 18, and is battling for her life right now. Her smile makes you melt and she just exudes happiness. Her mom Brenda is a.maz.ing and such a wonderful person. This little girl gave me such hope and inspiration while I was pregnant with Brienna and I wish there was more I could do for them ... my heart aches to think of what they are going through ... so please, help me pray for Brianna and her family.

Week Two

Since I didn't really do much in terms of training during week one, I have nothing to report. Week 2 however, was a success! I ran with Bailey all week, and she is hands down, the best running partner I've ever had!

I'm following Hal Higdon's plan for novices and thus far, I think it suits me. There are only three days of required running, which is perfect for my knee. Running days are Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. As the runs get longer, I imagine my sister and I will run them together and will most likely run them on Saturdays.

I've done a lot of reading on walk breaks, and am going to most definitely incorporate them into my training. I think it's the only way I'll be able to finish. I run about a ten-minute mile, so I'll break down my runs as #minutes run/# minutes walked/# minutes run, etc.

Tuesday - 3 mile run: 20/5/10. I could feel my ITB starting to get sore on the second leg of running. Sure enough, I got home and couldn't walk down the stairs without pain. Not a good sign.

Thursday - 3 mile run: 10/3/10/3/10. Much better! I had some ITB discomfort, but otherwise was okay. Made sure to ice it all day and have been very careful on the stairs.

Sunday - 4 mile long run: 14/3/14/4/12. SO excited I ran 4 miles! I haven't done that in well over a year. I felt some discomfort, but adjusted my stride and it seemed to get better. I also ordered a Patt Strap, and am crossing my fingers that it enables me to run for longer distances at a time. I hate that when I'm in a groove and feeling good, I have to stop and walk. But my goal is to finish this race and if means walking, I'm going to do it. I was encouraged that I felt pretty good during the run. I love that point about 6-7 minutes into a run when you feel like you could run forever. I so hope I have more of that ...

Week 2 was definitely a success. I am pretty happy, which is rare for me these days. I love knowing that I am doing this for Brienna. She will give me the strength to continue!

Background Info

I created this blog to track my progress as I train for the Seacoast Half Marathon on November 8, 2009. My sister Kristen and I are running in memory of my daughter, Brienna Marie. Brienna suffered from Trisomy 18 - a chromosomal abnormality - and was born still on June 2, 2009. My husband Patrick and I knew by the 18th week of my pregnancy she had T18, but hoped and prayed that we would have even just a few moments with her ... the five hours we spent holding her, rocking her and loving her were the greatest, saddest, happiest five hours of my life. I miss my sweet baby girl more than I could ever express in words.

I want to ensure that Brienna's legacy lives on. She taught me more about love in the 41 weeks she was in my belly than any other person I know. She touched so many lives, and I am so proud of her. Running this half marathon is hopefully just the start of many races to come, all in her memory.

My running background is nothing special. I played sports in high school, ran track all 4 years and ran in college (for fun, not competitively), but ended up with ITBS my sophomore year. It has plagued me ever since. I had surgery back in 2000 to try and correct it, but it's just never been great. Every time I get over 3-4 miles, I end up in pain and have to stop my training. I almost always increase my mileage too quickly, so this time I'm trying to be smart. It will be a true test of my patience!

Wish me luck :)

Mass of the Angels

June 6, 2009. The day I buried my daughter. Writing or saying those words will never get easier. Before she was born, we had debated whether cremation was the best option. When Brienna was born, there was no decision to be made ... without even talking about it, P and I both just knew that we wanted to bury her.

We called the funeral home so late and they came to pick her up. P and I had dressed her in her burial outfit, as we didn't expect to see her again. I went home on Wednesday afternoon, and we talked with Brian, the funeral home director. We met with him on Thursday and he helped us with all of the funeral arrangements - to say he was incredible is an understatement.

P and I had already selected readings and music for the funeral mass. Brian talked with us about prayer cards, burial sites and a million other things I can't recall. He put us in touch with Jimmy at the cemetery. We met Jimmy and chose the spot for our daughter to be buried. It was surprisingly peaceful to do so. It was a sunny day; the birds were chirping, the trees were gently blowing in the wind and P and I walked around and picked the perfect spot. We purchased two plots; one for him and one for me. Brienna rests between us ...

Brian asked about Brienna's outfit and gently suggested that we might need a new one. I asked if it was because she leaked a little and he said I wasn't going to say that, but yes. I should have known ... we asked about whether or not seeing her again would be a good idea, and it didn't seem as though it would be. It is still all so surreal.

P and I woke up Friday morning and brought Brienna's new outfit to the funeral home. When we got there, I realized that she would also need a new diaper and started to panic, because we hadn't brought one with us ... a baby just needs a diaper. My baby needed a diaper. And we didn't have one ... we went to CVS, but they had no preemie diapers. And then I remembered that my friend Sarah had sent an entire basket of baby goodies that we would hopefully need to my parents house. The basket had preemie diapers. So my sister met us at the funeral home, and brought us the preemie diapers. I don't know why, but I just needed her to have a diaper.

Choosing a new outfit for Brienna was hard. How do you pick the last outfit your baby will ever wear? We laid out all her clothes on the bed in the spare bedroom and one by one decided that all but one were wrong ... we chose a pink onesie with little butterflies on it. She's wearing a matching hat, pink booties and is holding a little lamb that my mom had gotten her. She is wrapped in the softest blanket - it's pink, purple and yellow plaid. Her little Brienna bracelet from Shannon is on her left wrist.

Friday night, P went out to print some pictures and return the car seat we had bought, in the hopes that we would in fact need it. I feel so badly that he did that alone ... I had no idea he was planning on doing that, but he told me that he didn't want it to make me sad every time we got in the car. I have no idea what I would do without him.

When he came home, he had a surprise for me ... he had made this perfect little book of photos: one for us and one for Brienna. He wanted her family to always be with her ... there is at least one picture of everyone in our family (including Bailey) and there are pictures of our wedding, pictures of us being silly, pictures of us pregnant ... and then pictures of us with her in our arms. It was the sweetest idea I had ever heard ... The book is with Brienna in her tiny white casket, so that she is never alone.

She was also buried with baby pearl rosary beads. I have a matching pair. Hers are in her right hand, and her clenched little fist was holding them in place. I say my prayers with them every night and think of her ... I also printed out all of the letters that I had written to her while I was pregnant. They're bound together and tied with ribbon and are with her, so that hopefully she knows how much I love her ...

Brienna is also wearing a Celtic cross pin ... P bought one for each of us, as well as for our parents, siblings and grandmothers. They were blessed the morning of her funeral and we all wore them that day. I keep mine in my purse, and wear it occasionally ... I am petrified I am going to lose it. It's a link to my baby, and every link to her is so precious.

The morning of the funeral was surreal. It was overcast, but not really raining. We headed up to my parents house, as my dress was there. My mom and my sister had bought it for me ahead of time ... it was simple, but beautiful. It covered my jelly belly (for the most part) and we rigged it so that I didn't look too horrible - my milk had come in so my boobs were enormous. It struck me that I would never buy a dress for my daughter's wedding, that this was it. It was sad.

P and I drove to the funeral home. A limo would later pick up my parents and bring them to the funeral home. When we got there, I was already crying. Brian said that we could see Brienna, her casket was open. I will never forget walking in the room and seeing her. I had been to so many wakes in that room, never thinking I'd be seeing my daughter there. Her little white casket was so small! It was resting on the pink blanket that she was wrapped in leaving the hospital. There were several flower arrangements, and they were all beautiful. We had opted not to have other family members meet us at the funeral home. P and I had some time with her, and then our parents and siblings arrived. It was perfect.

Seeing Brienna again brought me more comfort than I could have ever known. Being able to touch her and kiss her again was incredible. I didn't think we'd have the chance. And she looked so perfect! The bootie on her left foot was on inside out and I was compelled to fix it. And I am glad I did. I can still remember touching her cute little legs, kissing her cheeks, her nose, her forehead, her lips. I held her hand again and never wanted to let go. The finality of death is something that I'm not sure has really hit me yet ...

My brother and sister-in-law live in WI, but flew in for the funeral. They were supposed to be at a wedding, but skipped it to be with us. I am so grateful to them for that. They were able to see Brienna and I am so happy that they did. It's their first niece and knowing that they were able to touch her and kiss her makes me smile.

For the most part, I kept my composure. Until P and I were the last ones left and said our final goodbyes to her. It sucked. I hated leaving her. I asked P if we could just sneak her out with us and I was not entirely kidding.

Brian arranged a limo to take us to the funeral and the cemetery and back home. There was a police escort. And he charged us absolutely nothing. I am still amazed at his kindness and generosity. We literally didn't pay for a thing except the announcement in the papers and the plots at the cemetery. Jimmy at the cemetery even waived the $1000 fee to open the graves. I remain overwhelmed that people can be so kind. Brienna taught us that ... how amazing is she??

I barely remember walking into the funeral. I just remember watching Brian carry Brienna's little casket to the altar. I am still struck by how small it was ... how little it looked and how sad it made me that I couldn't be with her.

Father Bob said the funeral mass. He is a family friend of P's mom and also married us. It was touching to have someone who knew us and knew her say the Mass. The service was beautiful. And more than one person commented on how touched they were. Father Bob spoke of what a gift Brienna was. My uncle said it was the first funeral he'd been to that actually made some sort of sense.

I had written a eulogy and was somehow able to speak. P stood with me the entire time. It's nearly impossible to say how much your daughter means to you and what it means to lose her ...

By the time we arrived at the cemetery, the sun was starting to shine. Brienna was laid to rest. Brian had a marker that said "Our Little Angel" with her picture and her birthday - June 2, 2009. There were so many people there, I am still amazed. There were so many people I didn't even see ... I was in such a daze ... the whole day was surreal.

My parents invited everyone back to their house for lunch. I talked to so many people and yet barely remember. I was not in my finest form. Yet I think because I had a role to play, it was almost easier than the grim reality we faced after the funeral. I dreaded going home that night because it meant that things were really over. We had spent the last nine months planning for her arrival and then we planned her funeral. The "now what?" feeling was overwhelming.

My mom found a woman who makes rosary beads out of flowers. We saved some of the flowers from Brienna's funeral and my mom and I are having rosary beads made out of them. They will be pale pink and I cannot wait to see them.

The Ugly Truth

The ugly truth is something no one wants to seem to hear. Really, I can't blame them.

Grief is unpredictable. It has it's own rhythm and most definitely marches to the beat of it's own drum.

It has been eight weeks today, eight weeks. Where have they gone? I have no idea ... the ache has not lessened. If it's possible, it hurts worse ... there is a constant sense that someone is missing. A piece of me is just gone forever, and learning to live with that is beyond painful. I long for my baby and I physically hurt that she is not here ...

I am the elephant in the room. I thought it was bad before Brienna was born, but now, it is ten times worse. No one knows what to say or how to act. Again, I can't blame them. I myself struggle with how to act. If I act happy, will people assume that I'm healed? Because that is what I do. I act as if everything is "okay" when it most certainly is not. Not a day has gone by that I don't break down in tears. Not one day. And I fear the day that I don't cry. Because if I'm not crying, then things are changing. Every moment away from June 2 feels like a betrayal of sorts.

On Friday, I sat in the parking lot of my favorite coffee shop, having an internal debate with myself about whether or not to go in. The last time I was there, I was pregnant. And the girl who made my chai always commented on Toot. I sat there for a good ten minutes because I have no idea how to tell strangers what happened. In the end, I decided to go for it. And it was a different girl; bullet dodged. But those scenarios are everywhere. The place I got my nails done, the hairdresser, the grocery store ... I am constantly worried about what to say, or how to explain what happened. I worry about meeting new people and being asked if I have children. I worry that I'll say no, because it is easier than saying that my daughter died.

It seems like everyone keeps waiting for me to move on, or to heal. I don't think you ever move on. I think it's about learning to integrate the grief into your life. Just because I smile or laugh, doesn't mean that I don't ache inside. Brienna is always on my mind and in my heart. I have a new "normal" and am trying to adjust as best I can. But incorporating grief into every day life is difficult ... like I said, it's unpredictable and has it's own rhythm - it's the dance partner that nobody wants, and I'm stuck with it forever. Yet the fact remains that I would do it all over again, even knowing the outcome. Just to hold my sweet baby girl and kiss her and marvel at her perfection. It truly is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all ...

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

I love you Brienna, always. And I miss you more than words can ever say ...

Long Time, No Post

It's been awhile. I have to admit that it is draining to write all my thoughts and feelings. Yet I want them all recorded because my biggest fear is that I'll forget. I'm tweaking some of the posts that I wrote and never posted (I can't share everything) and will post them soon ...

I love you and miss you Brienna Marie ...

One Month

I cannot believe that it has been one month since Brienna was born. One month since I last held her in my arms, one month since I smelled her sweet smell, one month since I wiped her little bottom, one month since I changed her clothes, one month since I caressed her soft skin, one month since I rocked her, one month since I kissed her most perfect button nose ... I have no idea where this month went. The ache is no less now than it was a month ago. I would give anything to turn the clock back to one month ago. To still have Brienna safe inside me. All the heartache and pain I thought I experienced while pregnant pales in comparison to the grief I feel now ... I just miss my daughter :(

I love you sweet Brienna ...

What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say, 

"A Mother has a baby. This we know is true." 

But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? 

"Yes you can!" He replied with confidence in His voice, 

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice." 

"Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. 

And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." 

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here." 

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. 

"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and say.." 

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here." 

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom who has so much love for me 

I learned my lesson very quick, my Mommy set me free." 

"I miss My Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. 

When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay." 

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 

Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." 

"So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. 

Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay." 

"They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. 

And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you." 

"So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. 

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start." 

"Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until there time is done 

They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one." 

-Author Unknown

Daddy's Girl ...

I don't know where to begin. I should start by saying that P has always been a bit squeamish when it comes to blood and hospitals and all related things. He hates hospitals and has passed out when seeing blood in the past. When I was in nursing school, he would get kinda grossed out if I told him a story, so he started watching Discovery Health to help get him used to what he'd be hearing about ... so cute.

The day that Brienna was born, I was nervous for him that he'd be majorly freaked out. How wrong I was ... when my water broke (and then continued to break), I was slightly mortified. It just wouldn't stop and it's kinda gross if you think about it. I was embarrassed and generally would have just done everything myself, but couldn't because not only was I nine months pregnant and not really able to bend over, I was having some pretty intense contractions. So, I had to swallow my pride and let P help. And he did. He cleaned up for me, he cleaned me, he helped me change and was just great ... he held my hair back while I got sick and just tended to me and made me feel like it was all okay ...

Then Brienna was born and I was just blown away ... I don't know what I expected, but P was just so incredible with her. I think it's hard/different for any father because they don't have nine months of a baby inside them to bond and prepare. I was nervous for P because I knew that he might have to say hello and goodbye at the same time and I just wasn't sure how he'd handle it ... he keeps his emotions very close to his heart and we'd never been in a situation like this before ... but he was just incredible. I couldn't stop staring at the two of them.

P has two webbed toes on each of his feet. His entire family on his dad's side does ... as he and Sue were bathing Brienna, I heard him start laughing and he called over, "Laus, her feet are webbed exactly like mine!" He was crying and laughing and I started crying and laughing and it just made me so happy that they shared that. She was truly a daddy's girl.

On My Mind ...

In no particular order, these are the things that I think about and are on my mind ...

• I am petrified I am going to forget.
• It is exhausting and incredibly draining to pretend to be "okay" for other people.
  
• I love the little reminders on my body that I did indeed have a baby.
• Brienna's name is Celtic and means "strong, she ascends" ... I love her name.
  
• I have a bruise on my right hand from a blown IV. As it fades, I get sadder and sadder because when I see it now, I think of Brienna.
• I secretly like the pain associated with my tear because it reminds of my sweet baby girl.
  
• I wore a normal, pre-pregnancy bra on Thursday and it made me ridiculously sad.
• I despise looking in the mirror because it's a reminder that I no longer have Brienna in my belly.
• I hate my jelly belly.
  
• The shirt I was wearing when I held Brienna is in my room, folded up with the camisole I wore during delivery. I doubt I will ever wash either of them.
• I saw my one pair of maternity jeans today when I was cleaning my room and almost cried.
  
• When I showered the day after Brienna was born, I felt like I was washing her away and I cried the entire time.
• Every time I visit her at the cemetery, I want to throw myself on the ground and stay with her. P has prevented me from doing this.
  
• Sometimes, breathing hurts.
• Time seems to stand still. The only time it moves is when I'm sleeping.
  
• Everything seems so surreal that at times I wonder if I did indeed have a baby ...
• I found a poem online yesterday that brings me to tears every time I read it. I changed the his to a her ... the author is unknown:

Tiny Angel rest your wings
Sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear ...
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long ...
Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know ...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

• I constantly wonder if Brienna knew she was dying when she was inside me and if she was scared.
• I feel like a failure because I couldn't protect my daughter. The counselor I see says that maybe she died to protect us from seeing her have to suffer. A little baby shouldn't have to protect her parents ...
• I know she is in God's hands and with our loved ones that have already died, but I hate that she is alone in Heaven. I wish I could be with her ...
• I have less fear of dying someday because I know it will mean that I get to see my daughter again.
  
• I hope beyond hope that Brienna knew we loved her.
• I fear we didn't make enough memories with her while I was pregnant.
  
• My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I am dreading him not being home.
  
• I cannot believe it has been 12 days since my baby was born ... and died.
• Natalie Cole's "I Miss You Like Crazy" is constantly stuck in my head.
• I hate the word stillborn.
  
• Because Brienna died at birth, I fear people will think she didn't exist. She so existed.
• I have no idea how to do this ...
  

Meeting Brienna

I thought it might be therapeutic to talk about the day Brienna was actually born ... so here goes.

As I mentioned before, we went in Monday night to get the gel to ripen my cervix. I was apparently about 3cm dilated that night; they gave me the gel and sent me on my merry way. I was told they would monitor Toot's heartbeat for 90 minutes and was all hooked up and prepared to wait, but I guess they talked to my doctor who said I could just go home. That kinda made me sad, because I knew if she didn't have T18, they would most certainly have monitored her. Their focus just wasn't on her, which was hard to accept ...

I was told to wait for a phone call Tuesday morning and sure enough, at 6:30, the phone rang and they told me to come in at 7:30. P and I certainly didn't sleep well Monday night, so were wide awake when the call came in. I think I was just filled with nervous energy ... we were late (as usual) and didn't get to take any pictures, as I had wanted to. There is one of me in the car, but none of us as a family, in our house before going in ...

After checking in, we were shown right to our room. They gave us the biggest, nicest labor and delivery suite they had, which we were very grateful for. It had lots of windows, and plenty of space for visitors. It was more homey than the one we were shown on our tour of the hospital, and I felt very comfortable there. My day nurse, Cathy, was great. We immediately knew we were in good hands, which was very comforting. Cathy was very honest with us and told us that oftentimes Pitocin can take days to work and that if things didn't progress by 6ish, they would turn the Pitocin off, let me rest and eat and start again in the morning. Cathy had me change into a beautiful hospital johnny and things got started ...

The Pitocin went on about 9AM. I was hooked up to the monitor, and was already having contractions, but couldn't feel them. We listened to Toot's heartbeat for awhile and I so wish we had recorded it at that point. In our birth plan, we had opted to not continuously monitor her heartbeat. We knew that there was a chance labor would cause her distress, and I knew if we saw she was in distress, I'd ask for an emergency C-section, something we had talked about at length and were going to try to avoid. We had planned on listening sporadically throughout the day, but I think I just got nervous and we never did again. I regret that. I started feeling the contractions, but none were painful, so they kept increasing the Pitocin. At noontime, I was still not having any pain, and fully planned on being there for days ...

At about 3:00, I really started to feel the contractions. They were much more painful than they had been. I started to get really nauseous with them too, and got sick several times. Then at 4:00, my water broke. Because of the polyhydramnios, it was this huge gush of fluid. I had just finished getting sick, so was standing at the door of the bathroom and it just went everywhere. I immediately burst into tears because it was then that I knew Toot was really going to arrive. Up until that point, I kept convincing myself that we had time. I look back at the pictures from that morning: me in my ugly gown, but I'm smiling in every one; still full of hope ...

My water broke about 4 more times after that - there was A LOT of fluid. The nurse was even amazed ... P helped me clean up and we kinda just looked at each other with this helpless feeling ... it was truly out of our control. At about 5:15-5:30, I opted for the epidural. I was 6cm at that point and as soon as the epidural was done, I was 10cm dilated and ready to push. At this point it was a little after 6:00, but because things had progressed so quickly, our families weren't at the hospital yet. The doctor came in and said that we could wait a little bit to push, until our families arrived so we decided to wait until about 6:30.

6:30 came and went, because it was change of shift for the doctors. Then at 7:00 it was change of shift for the nurses. So we really didn't start pushing until just before 8:00. I was completely comfortable because of the epidural, but very antsy. My night nurse Joanne was even better than my day nurse. They could not have been more different in terms of personalities, but both were perfect ... I pushed for about 15 minutes and Joanne called the doctor in because it looked like Toot was ready to make her entrance ... the doctor took forever to come and had to be paged again. Our baby nurse, Sue came in at that point and she too was amazing. The NICU nurse practitioner was on standby just outside the room, which we had requested and then it was time. The doctor came in and the pushing resumed ... they were all whispering at one point and I got very nervous. But I asked my nurse, and they weren't talking about Toot.

At 8:50 PM, Brienna Marie was born. I could have sworn that I saw her little arm moving when she came out ... P cut the umbilical cord and Sue and the NICU NP took her for a quick exam ... I will never, ever forget them saying that she didn't have a heartbeat. P said I made the saddest sound he's ever heard ... and then we both just started crying. They brought Brienna to us right away and I held her and just cried and cried. P and I just hugged her and each other and were so sad ...

I ended up tearing very badly. It turns out that that is what the doctors had been whispering about. They asked to do an episiotomy, and I felt like the only option was to do one ... so they did. Despite that, I ended up with a "nasty" 3rd degree tear that required "extensive repair" - it took them over 90 minutes to sew me up - and I now have a "designer vagina" - which apparently people pay big bucks for - who knew?

While they were sewing me up, P was with Brienna the entire time. He bathed her and rocked her and it simultaneously broke and melted my heart to see them together. I will write more about him in a separate post - he totally blew me away and I am more in love with him now than ever before ...

The NILMDTS photographer was in the room as soon as Brienna was born. Sharon sat with me and talked to me and it was so comforting because she was in my shoes a few years ago. The chaplain, Caroline, was also there (we had met her earlier in the day and loved her. When it neared time for Toot's arrival, the nurse paged her and though she was over an hour away, she came back to the hospital to be with us).

Things were somewhat delayed because of them sewing me up, but P would bring Brienna to me and I would hold her for a bit and then he would walk with her around the room and just rock her. Sharon was able to take lots of pictures of her and I got to watch my little girl with her daddy ...

When they were finally done sewing me up, Caroline and Joanne went to get our families. They of course were devastated and I was nervous about everyone being there, but it ended up being really nice. Caroline baptized Brienna for us, and having our parents and sisters there for that was touching. It was the most beautiful baptism, and I am so thankful that Caroline came back for us ...

Once everyone was gone, P just crawled into bed with me and the three of us laid there cuddling. We changed Brienna's diaper, dressed her in one of her adorable little outfits and just held her. The nurses were great and totally respected our privacy, yet periodically checked in on us. Being with Brienna was truly amazing. She's the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She had this perfect little button nose and the softest skin I've ever touched. She had tiny little freckles on her forehead and the cutest little lips I'd ever seen. She smelled so sweet and innocent and it just took my breath away that we had created this little miracle ...

We eventually called the funeral home and they came to pick Brienna up at about 2AM. Saying goodbye was nearly impossible. How do you fit a lifetime's worth of hugs and kisses and cuddling into 5 hours with your baby?? You can't. As much as we tried to prepare ourselves for that moment, you just cannot prepare to say goodbye to your child ... we handed her to Sue (who was amazing and treated Brienna like her own baby) who walked with Steve out to the car. And she was gone. I can't even get into my emotions yet because it's just too painful.

At about 3AM, we were moved to a new room. We had requested ahead of time not to be on a postpartum floor, and were instead sent to a surgical floor, which suited us just fine. I would gladly have left the hospital altogether, but because of my tearing, they wanted to keep me overnight. P climbed into bed with me in the new room and we just held each other and cried. I don't think I slept much at all. The doctors did rounds at 7ish and said I could go in the afternoon once the Foley came out and I had peed. The Foley came out and P and I just laid there a little longer ... we were both exhausted after not sleeping Monday night either.

I finally got out of bed around 9 and was walking around the room because walking was more comfortable than sitting. Caroline came to visit and was amazed that I was up and about because she "saw my tear and OUCH". That she came meant so much to me. Melissa, the social worker we had worked with at the MFM clinic, also came to visit. Everyone was so compassionate, and it really meant the world to P and I.

We were able to go home just after 12, and I was glad to leave, but so sad at the same time. We were leaving without our baby ... I told P that deep in my heart of hearts I didn't think we'd get to bring her home. He said he had felt the same way ... but we both thought she'd be born alive. It just wasn't an option any other way ... and despite the fact that so many T18 babies are born still, I blame myself. I just wish we had pushed right away. I have no idea if it would have made a difference, but what if it would have?

I have so many more thoughts and feelings, but like I said, I just can't go there quite yet. Every day is a struggle to get through ... I feel so lost, and this overwhelming sense of "now what?" It sucks. And I just miss my baby girl so much ... I would do anything to have her back. If I could turn back the clock, I would. In a heartbeat.

No words

Our precious angel was born into Heaven on June 2, 2009 at 8:50 PM. The happiest and saddest day of my life ... our little girl, Brienna Marie was perfect. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my entire life. She had the softest skin and the most perfect button nose ... I can still feel her in my arms, smell her sweet smell and I long for just one more moment with her. One more chance to kiss her cheek, touch her lips and tell her that I love her with all my heart ... P and I are so sad she is gone. It feels surreal and I feel hollow ... like I am missing a piece of me.
I miss her so much :(

Prayers Answered

I was dreading going into the hospital tonight. Absolutely dreading it. I didn't want to have to be there overnight, only to potentially not even progress far enough to be moved to labor and delivery tomorrow morning. I hate being out of my comfort zone and I hated that I wouldn't be able to be in my own bed with P and Toot ... I got a phone call today from one of the nurses at the MFM clinic saying that they were "busting at the seams" and would I be willing to come in, get the Cervidil tonight, but go home and wait until they call me in the morning when they have a room available. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I am more than okay with that! And so is P ... we were in the car together when we got the news and he said, oh good, I was having a hard time thinking about how to kidnap you :) One more night at home feels like a gift ... and it gives Toot just a little more time to come on her terms ...

I am not sure I ever posted about my NILMDTS photographer, but I have a saved post somewhere and will eventually. She did maternity pictures for us and we loved her. We got our pictures and they were amazing. This was about 5 weeks ago and I've emailed her several times but heard nothing and couldn't figure out what happened, or if we did something or if she just wasn't interested anymore. I called her today in one last attempt to let her know we were being induced tomorrow. I didn't hear back from her and was really sad. As P and I walked in the door from the hospital, the phone was ringing. It was her! And she was so apologetic about not getting back to me but said she is available tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday and will wait for our call because she would love to photograph Toot when she arrives. I am elated. I had so wanted her to be there and now she will. It's one less thing to worry about, and it feels like things are falling into place. That can only be the work of God, and I am so appreciative.

As for the hospital, it was totally fine. My nurse for the short time I was there was so nice and as she was about to leave the room, she stopped and came back over me and said, I just want you to know that I read your birth plan, and congratulations on your amazing baby. She started to cry, then apologized for crying and of course I started crying and told her it was okay, but it's just so comforting to be in good hands. The MD who inserted the Cervidil told me that they have a "special nurse" lined up for me tomorrow, so it seems like we'll be in good hands then too.

So thank you prayer warriors ... from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Hi Toot,

My little June bug! I never thought I'd end up with a June baby, yet here it is, June 1! Where did the time go?!

So my sweet Toot ... today is the day the doctors are going to start the process of inducing labor. I had so hoped you'd decide on your own that you were ready to come out, but that's okay ... it just proves you're our baby - stubborn like your mom and late like your dad :) Just know that if I could, I would keep you with me forever. I feel like I am kicking you out of your cozy, safe home, and I'm sorry for that. I would love to keep you with me, but the doctors aren't giving me much of a choice ... my brain knows that they are probably right, but my heart feels heavy ...

I feel like there is so much to say to you today, yet I don't know where to begin. You've been kicking like crazy all weekend and it never fails to make me smile! You've been such a joy to me and your dad these last forty weeks Toot. We love you so much. You are truly an inspiration and not just to me. To everyone that knows about you. Your dad and I feel so lucky to have been chosen as your parents. You have been such a gift and I can only hope that we get a little more time with you ... we are so excited to finally meet you!!

I have to thank you Toot. You have truly given me the strength to muddle through this journey. You give me purpose in life, you make me get out of bed every day and you have truly made me a different (and I hope better) person. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done. You've changed me and I love you for it.

If I'm being truly honest, I fear myself without you. I fear the emptiness of knowing you're not in my belly anymore. I fear that without you, I won't know who I am or what my purpose is. I fear that if we have to say goodbye, it will break me. I fear that you won't know how much I love you, or that I would have done anything to take this away for you ... and I'm sorry for all the tears today sweet girl. Please don't think I'm sad to meet you, trust me, I have been waiting for this day my whole life. You're my daughter! And I long to hear your sweet little cry and I long to hold you and rock you and show you just how much you are loved ... so the tears are tears of love, tears of fear and tears of uncertainty. And I cannot seem to stop them!

I love you Toot. It doesn't seem adequate enough, but I do. And if I have to fit an entire lifetime's worth of love into just a few moments, so be it. But know that I truly love you with all my heart. That carrying you has been the most wonderful gift and that a piece of you will forever be with me. Always.

I love you.

Love always,
Mom

P.S. Rabbits Rabbits! Binkie says that on the first of every month, and it's supposed to bring good luck, so it's tradition in our family to say it to everyone on the first of the month, every month ... so Rabbits Rabbits my sweet girl!!

Terrified

I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say I am terrified. I was so hoping that Toot would arrive on her own, but it appears that is not going to happen! She has a couple more hours, but it doesn't look likely. I feel like I am kicking her out of her safe, cozy home and I hate it. My brain knows that I don't have a choice, but my heart feels heavy. I want to let her stay forever ... she is safe, warm, cozy and alive and is now about to be forced to leave. I'm terrified. Terrified to be in the hospital. Terrified to be outside of my comfort zone. Terrified to give birth. Terrified of the uncertainty. Terrified that she might be born still. Terrified that I won't get to meet her alive. Terrified of saying goodbye ... Yet at the same time that I am scared out of my mind, I'm so excited to meet her. I dream about her every night and I just can't wait to hold her. I can't believe we're at this point ... I really can't. I've tried every trick in the book to try and induce labor, but nothing has worked ...

I am so not looking forward to not being pregnant. I can't imagine how empty I'm going to feel. Every time I get scared or sad, Toot gives me a little kick, like "it's okay Mom, I'm here and safe and sound" ... and in a few days or less, that won't be the case anymore. She has given me the strength to get through this, and I have no idea how to do it on my own ... she's given me purpose each and every day for the last forty plus weeks.

Due Date #2

May 28 ... our second due date. I am somewhat baffled that we are here. I thought ten days was an eternity but it flew by. Time is both moving much too quickly and standing still. It is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I want Toot to come on her own terms, which would mean this weekend. Yet at the same time, I wish I could stop the clock and just keep her inside me forever. It is comforting to me that she is cozy enough to want to stay. It makes me tear up just thinking about her having to leave her little cocoon ... she is alive and safe now! Leaving puts her in too much jeopardy and I just want to keep her safe. Isn't that all any mother wants? I want her with me forever and I know that is not possible, but it's breaking my heart to think of what may come to be in a few days ... I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and am actually having an okay day, but I am just not ready for this. I love my little girl so much, it physically hurts. I wish I could put into words how much I love her and how much I don't want to ever say goodbye. But I can't. So rather than dwell on what I cannot control, I have to think positive. I have to hope with every fiber of my being that she comes out alive. I have to pray that we get a little extra time with her. And I have to remember that no matter what, I've had the most amazing forty weeks of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but this little girl is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given ...

Time ...

It is getting harder and harder for me to wrap my head around the fact that in one week (or less), I will be giving birth. We had our last prenatal appointment today and if Toot doesn't arrive this week, we'll be induced Tuesday, June 2. We go in Monday night at 7PM, where they'll try and ripen my cervix with Cervidil ... if it works enough, we'll go to labor and delivery at some point Tuesday. WHOA. I still so want Toot to come on her own, but I am only 1 cm dialted and not really having any contractions. I thought maybe this weekend I was, but nothing consistent and nothing painful enough to stop me in my tracks, which everyone tells me will happen. The doctor tried to strip my membranes (gross, I know) but I wasn't dilated enough so she didn't get very far ... I'm hoping that maybe it will still be enough to get things going ...

While on the one hand I want Toot to come before June 2, it is so strange to think that our time with this precious little being is so limited ... I feel selfish because I've already been given so much more than I deserve ... but the problem with time is that the more I have with her, the more I want. I want to hear her cry, I want to hear her heartbeat on the outside of my belly, I want to see her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. I want to look into her eyes, I want to feed her, change her poopy diaper and dress her in the adorable clothes she has waiting upstairs for her ... I want to love her and cuddle her and touch her chubby little cheeks and bare bottom ... I want to be utterly exhausted and sleep deprived from 2AM feedings ... I want to be a harried, disheveled first time mom trying to get it together and it doesn't feel like that is much to ask, but with T18, it very well might be ...

How to Help a Grieving Friend

I came across two more blogs today of moms with T18 babies. One family has a three-week old who wasn't diagnosed until birth; the other lost their baby at 28 weeks ... both blogs are enlightening, and in one of them, I came across a list for how to help your grieving friend.

Molly Piper

he post is all about how to help your grieving friend and was great. There are certain things that I personally wouldn't like (people making me dinner or cleaning my house) but it really gives insight into

Induction Day

We had an appointment this week and my doctor brought up the dreaded topic of induction. I've always maintained that I want Toot to come on her terms, and my doctor has said I wouldn't be able to go past forty weeks (they use May 28 as my due date, when I'm 99.9% positive it's really May 18). Anyway, she brought it up and I politely asked if we could just talk about it next week. She didn't think that was such a good idea but said that even though I'm forty weeks on May 28, she'll let me go the weekend and if Toot doesn't arrive on her own, June 1 will be the day. I actually felt such a sense of relief because P and I didn't have to make the decision ... we're not left with any choice, and I can feel comfortable knowing that we gave Toot the best chance we could to come on her terms. I had thought the conversation would leave me feeling horrible and sad, but getting to wait until June 1 was our best case scenario ... I can't believe that in less than two weeks we'll meet our little girl!! I still hope she comes on her terms, but if not, that's okay too. At this point, we're keeping the June 1 date to ourselves (Kris and Sarah - please don't say anything to anyone!!) because I'm feeling more and more private about Toot with each passing day and just want to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy as much as I can ... and for whatever reason, I'm best able to do that when I'm not talking about it (with anyone other than P) ... we're using this time as a family for us and as selfish as that might be, I'm actually totally okay with it. There are times when I'm totally open to talking about it and others when I just don't. It's just strange, but I'm fine with it (which might be even stranger!)

In NTR (not Toot related) news, I'm feeling badly about how I treated my best friend in the world the other day. She called me with some pretty good news about her love life and rather than be happy and supportive and excited for/with her, I rained on her parade by being an overly cautious older sister. I could feel myself doing it, but didn't know how to stop. I gave her all sorts of advice that she doesn't need and rather than just let her glow in the good news, I pointed out all the negatives. Not because I'm not happy for her, but because I so worry about her getting hurt ... I am happy for her and hope that I can be more supportive in the future. And next time I'm preachy and annoying, I apologize in advance :)

Due Date

May 18, 2009.

The day that I've been thinking about since September 15, when we first found out we were pregnant. That this day is actually here baffles me. It amazes me that Toot has made it this far, yet terrifies me that our time with her is coming to a possible end. She has defied the odds, yet has so still has so much more to overcome. Today was such a weird day. I worked, which was a good thing, but all day people kept asking me when I was due and I would say, today. (Which FYI is not a good idea when you're taking care of someone's loved one. They instantly think you're going into labor immediately and get a panicked look on their face. Tomorrow, I'm going to change my answer to something a little more vague). All along, I've known that Toot could come at any time. Yet knowing that today is her day makes it that much more real. And reinforces the fact that I am so not prepared ... I'm not prepared to be in labor, I'm not prepared to give birth, and I'm certainly not prepared to say goodbye to the sweet little girl that has lived under my heart for the last nine months ...

Work kicked my ass today, not to mention that I'm a bit emotionally drained and I don't have the energy to write much more ... but wanted to acknowledge Toot's day. It will forever be her day in my heart. And I can't believe it's almost over ...

Not so blah!

Sorry for the depressing post on Monday ... I am feeling much better today, thank goodness. I think working nights really takes a toll on me that I don't quite appreciate until I'm down in the dumps and supremely emotional. I just don't sleep well and that has to be a huge contributing factor to the sadness ... but, nights are done for now ... poor P asked that I try not to work anymore for awhile because he hates seeing me like that. I'm back to days next week and definitely looking forward to it!

Today was supposed to be our 4D ultrasound with Miss Toot, but unfortunately, the portable machine wasn't shipped, so we're going to have to wait just a bit longer! Hopefully it will happen this weekend or early next week ... I am bummed it won't happen today, but know how lucky we are that it will happen at all ... and I am so looking forward to seeing sweet Toot's face!! I am still baffled that she has hair and I can't wait to look at it and look at her and see her dance ... it makes me smile just thinking about it!!

One of the things on Monday that I was so upset about was the fact that I needed to call a funeral home and figure out some stuff. I finally called, and I have to say, I feel such a sense of peace after calling, which I totally didn't expect. (By the way, every time I write/think about her funeral, she kicks me like crazy. I hope beyond on hope it's her way of saying, I'm not going anywhere just yet!) Anyway, a family friend had recommended a funeral home in my hometown because she has had good experiences with them. My hometown is very small, and I actually knew of Brian because he belonged to the pool I lifeguarded at 10 years ago. I am sure he doesn't remember me, but it was one more small coincidence that encouraged me to call. I called and he actually answered the phone (not the receptionist that usually does) and was amazing. He answered all my questions with such patience and kindness and also gave me some advice that I hadn't considered. He also told me that he and his wife lost a baby a long time ago and that they fully understand the emotional burden we're dealing with and therefore don't charge anything. Nothing. All of their services are provided free of charge. I was blown away. Funerals are so expensive. We will still have to pay cemetary or cremation fees, but they cover the cost of the caskett and everything else on their end. He told me to just call him when the time comes, and they will take care of everything and make it as easy on us as possible, no matter which option we choose. I hung up the phone feeling so much better than I anticipated. Of course I cried the entire time I was on the phone with him, but the fact that I know with all my heart that Toot's going to be in good hands the entire time she is on this earth is such a comfort. Letting her go when the time comes is going to be nearly impossible, but at least we know that she is going to be with someone who truly cares ... and understands. I know that she is going to be cared for with love, kindness and compassion and it makes me feel just a little less apprehensive about the whole thing ...

Blah

I'm not even sure what to write about today ... I just have not been feeling like myself and it's unnerving. I have this near constant headache that forces me to close my eyes and my stomach is in complete disarray ... It feels like I could sleep for two days straight and it just wouldn't be enough. I am not a big fan of feeling this way, because I don't know what is causing it. If I knew it was x, y or z, I'd be fine. But because it's this mystery, it makes me uncomfortable. Is it just being 9 months pregnant? Is it depression sinking in? Is it just that I have a little bug? All weekend I haven't felt like talking to anyone, or doing anything. I had little moments of spunk and pep, but mostly just laid around feeling miserable ... my father-in-law was here all weekend helping us with the kitchen, and it took everything I had to smile and be pleasant because I just didn't feel like being around anyone ...

In happier news, my doctor granted our request for another ultrasound, which I was thrilled about. When we met with the neonatologist a few weeks ago, she mentioned that one of our previous ultrasounds showed a question of duodenal atresia and that I wouldn't be able to feed Toot without an xray to rule out the atresia. I asked our MD if we could have another ultrasound to rule out the atresia and avoid and an xray and she totally agreed. So that was good. We saw Toot on Thursday and it was great :) She is getting so big! She weighs 4 lbs 5 oz, which is so tiny (less than the third percentile) but she's grown a lot in four weeks and it made me very happy!! She even had some hair on the back of her head, which is just so cute to me. My polyhydramnios has gotten much worse, and is definitely uncomfortable, but not too bad yet. I wonder if it is partially contributing to the way I'm feeling, but can't see how it would make me this blah ...

We're being treated to another 4D ultrasound this week (courtesy of my aunt) and I truly cannot wait. It is so nice to look at Toot just to look and not to look for things that are wrong. I feel so lucky that we're able to do this. I can't believe that it's going to be the last time we see her though before she is born ... I'm just so happy that we'll have another look at her in her cozy home, safe and sound :)

Reality Check

I am feeling so strange these days. I'm back working nights, which makes me tired and therefore emotional, so I'm sure that's contributing to how I feel, but I just cannot believe that I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks ... and saying goodbye to my precious daughter that I love more than I knew possible.

Every once in a while I'll just be going about my day and then get hit with this gut wrenching feeling that Toot's not going to around much longer ... I'm so trying to treasure these last few weeks: every kick, every movement makes my heart sing; I've been reading books to her, and just trying to tell her everything that I won't get to when she's gone. It is so hard. And I am so not ready to do this. And I just cannot imagine not being pregnant. I feel like it just defines who I am now ... and once I'm not pregnant, who am I? I feel like I'm going to just be lost ... I love being pregnant. I love knowing that my sweet Toot is safe and cozy and warm in my belly. It's like the one thing that I somewhat have control over ... so what happens after she's born??

I had a bridal shower this weekend for one of my best friends. All the bridesmaids got there early to set up and when I got there, my friend's daughter was there. She's five months old and of course adorable. I never in a million years expected her to be there (why, I don't know) and I felt kinda blindsided. Of course I went and said hi (I hadn't her since she was born, before we knew about T18) but I cried when I did because it just struck me as so not fair that Toot doesn't get a fair shot at life ... then I felt bad for crying. And then I wondered if it would ever get easier? And I don't know that it will ... and then I heard the "you'll have kids someday" and I got pissed. Because I want this kid. I know and love Toot for who she is and I want so badly to watch her grow up ... I do hope and pray that someday we are blessed with a healthy family, but I will never for one minute forget about Toot. She is my precious daughter that I love and have bonded with and sometimes, I just don't think people on the outside get that ...

NILMDTS

When I first learned of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization, I spent hours scouring their website. I cried over the pictures they posted, the stories they told and couldn't imagine being able to see photos of myself and Toot. After talking with several people about how invaluable their pictures were, I searched for some photographers in my area and came across Sharon Reiley. I think I might have broken the rules when I contacted her directly, but once I saw her website, I just knew that this who I wanted to take pictures of Toot. I loved her website and loved her pictures. Then I found out that Sharon sadly and suddenly lost her firstborn son Owen two weeks before he was due to be born ... if anyone would understand what we're going through, it was her.

Sharon responded to my email instantly, and said she would be happy to help us. We met Sharon on April 14 when she came to our house for a maternity photo shoot. I was incredibly nervous, not just because I generally hate pictures of myself, but because I just wasn't sure what to expect ... I didn't think our house would photograph well, couldn't imagine where we would take pictures, how they would come out, etc. I needn't have worried because Sharon was awesome. She had sent us an email with some sample pictures to browse through, and also brought a book for us to look at ... we told her what we liked and didn't like and she got to work.

It was an incredibly emotional day ... one of those that I got through okay (or so I thought) but was really draining and caught up with me later in the afternoon. Sharon had said it would take several weeks to get the pictures, so I was surprised to get an email from her on Tuesday saying that she had mailed a disc with the photos. In her email, she cautioned me about looking at the pictures, "I feel I should warn you, these images are extremely powerful. I want to make sure you are prepared before you view them. It will be very difficult for you to look at them. They are filled with so much emotion, love, joy, and sadness... My heart aches to look at them. Please, make sure you look at them with Patrick together."

Needless to say, I was very anxious to see these pictures! But I am so glad that P and I made sure we were ready, because Sharon was right. They were incredibly powerful and emotional. I had no idea how sad we looked and just how much emotion you can really capture on film ... I usually hate pictures of myself, but these I love. I feel like Toot makes me see myself a little differently, if that makes any sense at all. Instead of critiquing every picture looking for flaws, I just looked at them and saw them for what they were. It's our little family and now I'll forever have us captured on film ... I am so grateful to Sharon for this gift.

We're so hoping that Sharon is able to be at Toot's birth. I feel so comfortable with her, and am keeping my fingers crossed that the timing works out okay! Sharon now has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, so can't just drop everything at a moment's notice but said she would do everything in her power to be there for us. I am confident it will work out, because sometimes, these things just do.

NICU Tour and Birth Plan

It feels like it's been a pretty eventful few weeks ... last Friday, we met with a neonatologist (we loved her) toured the labor and delivery suites, postpartum floors and the NICU at the hospital where Miss Toot will make her entrance into the world! I had never set foot in this hospital, and was happy that our MFM group suggested doing this. I am such a visual person, and I kept visualizing the only place I've ever seen a baby born - where I did my OB clinical in nursing school. Seeing where we will actually deliver makes me feel better ... it makes me feel like I have some sense of control - even though I know I really don't - and just gives me a small sense of comfort that I won't be in a totally unfamiliar place.

Talking with the neonatologist was incredibly helpful. We had a pretty good idea of what we thought things would be like when Toot was born, and she helped reaffirm that our thoughts were correct. She also helped us make some decisions about oxygen, etc. should Toot be born alive. I had been totally in favor of blow by O2 for Toot should she need it, but found out that if she were on oxygen, she would need to go to the NICU after delivery. Unless she is truly thriving, we've decided that we really don't want that. We want Toot with us, whether we're still in the labor and delivery room or if we're up in our postpartum room. Toot can get oxygen in the delivery room to help pink her up if she needs it, but the main goal for us is to be with her. I am so glad I know that now. The neonatologist said that even if we have no plans for Toot to go to the NICU, she can still be at the birth as a support for us. That just meant so much to me ... they are the ones who can best tell us if Toot is thriving or not, and just knowing that they'll be there if we want them to be is comforting.

We had another appointment with our MFM doctor on Tuesday (we'll see her weekly from now on) and she is growing on me! We went over our birth plan with her, and she seemed to think that everything we wanted was very reasonable and she was totally on board. I loved that. I also asked her about having another ultrasound and when I explained why, she told me that seemed "fair" and would work on setting one up for us. It's Saturday now and I haven't heard anything, but at least I know I'll see her again on Tuesday and can bug her about it then! We also talked with a social worker about our birth plan, and I just felt like they were really taking it seriously and would do everything we asked. I of course will still have nine copies with me when the time comes, but it's nice that at least it is familiar to staff that we'll be dealing with! We had some concerns about being moved immediately to a postpartum floor, and I asked if there was anywhere else in the hospital we could go. Our MD told us that we can go to a GYN surgical floor, rather than a typical postpartum floor and that made me so happy. I was nervous to be surrounded by other happy moms/babies and now don't need to worry about that. I also was concerned about our parents and sisters waiting in a waiting room with other happy, expectant families and I found out that there is another waiting area, as well as a separate meditation room where they can wait. This is going to be hard enough as it is, let alone being surrounded by happy families ...

We also talked with the social worker about funeral homes in the area ... it's so not a conversation I enjoy having, but one that is unfortunately necessary ... a few posts ago, I mentioned that the Catholic Church does not agree with cremation. I am happy to report that that information is not accurate! We still aren't sure which option we'll choose, but know that whatever we choose, Toot can have the funeral that she deserves. And that gives me a sense of peace. The cremation/burial debate is however still raging in my head. I just don't know what is right for us ... my parents offered to buy a plot in MA for us for Toot (which is where we would bury her if we choose that option) and it's just so generous of them and made me cry because they would do anything and everything they could for us ... I still think I might want Toot with us, but don't know how to choose. I talk to a social worker that I've known for almost 10 years, and she said I need to stop thinking of everything as right/wrong and black/white and just do what feels right for us now. And not to worry about months or years from now. And she is right, I just am so afraid of choosing the wrong thing ...

A Family Affair

P and I spent Easter weekend at my parents house, and I have to say, it was a great weekend. My brother and his family were in town for the first time since October 2007. (They lived in Oregon up until a few weeks ago, when they moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my sister-in-law's family). They were in Oregon about 5 years and while I loved it there, it was not easy to get to! It involved at least one layover and took no less than 8 hours ... it made for some long travel days! But, now that they're in WI, it's a two-hour direct flight to Boston, which hopefully means that I'll get to see a lot more of my nephews! Anyway, they were here, my sister was home and we all camped out at my parents house for the weekend. It was a full house: noisy, messy and just lots of fun. I so enjoyed being with my family, and I loved playing with those little boys! Quinn is just about three and Reece just turned one, so they are at great ages. I hadn't seen them since I went out to visit in September (pregnant with Toot, but not yet aware!) and they have changed so much!

I did well all weekend, until Sunday afternoon when we were getting ready to decorate Easter eggs with Quinn and all of a sudden I was hit with a wave of sadness that I'll never get to decorate Easter eggs with Toot. The thought just came out of the blue and made me so sad :( Then, my dad was bouncing Reece on his knee and I got sad all over again ... they were so excited to have a local grandchild and I couldn't wait to have Toot at their house all the time. It broke my heart to think of their pain ... I've been kinda selfish in only dealing with my pain, but I forget how much my parents are hurting too. Not just for Toot, but for me too. It must suck for them and I feel bad that I kinda forgot that for awhile ... they are so great though and when I talked to them about it a little, they just hugged me and said they understood. I am lucky to have such a great family and such a great example of what good parents are!

I'll leave you with a picture of our "fur baby", none too pleased to be wearing an Easter hat, haha!