Author Unknown
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her child.
To say I hate my shoes is an understatement. At times, it is almost unbearable to wear them. Other times, I feel numb to them. Today marks three months since Brienna was born. I miss her and ache for her. I am sad today. I worry that people think I should be moving on, shouldn't be as sad anymore. But I can't help it ... I am sad and wish my baby was here with me. All day today, I've been getting texts from my family and friends, telling me that they are thinking about me. They make me feel better, and I am lucky to have them in my life. Knowing that other people love and hurt for Brienna comforts me ... it helps validates my feelings in a way. Nothing can take the pain away, but it helps take the loneliness away, and I am thankful for that. Tomorrow is a new day, one that will hopefully be brighter. But today, I am sad.
I love you and miss you Brienna Marie ...
I know about the shoes.
ReplyDeleteI, too, worry about whether or not people think I should be 'over it' by now. I wish I could tell everyone that I will never be 'over' losing my daughter. Better? Yes. Happy (hopefully one day)? Yes. But forget her? Live as if she never lived? Nope. No way.
We will live forever with holes in our hearts for the place where our daughters lives should've filled. I think that's the most difficult part.
You are not alone and neither is Brienna.
Praying for your heart today.
I'm so sorry you are sad. Anything I write must sound so silly because nothing can take your pain away. Just know that your sweet little Angel made such an impact on my life. I am a stranger but I love her little soul, and I pray that her family will heal.
ReplyDeleteLove from California,
Nichole
I know I will never fully understand your pain, but I'm here always and hope that I can help with the sense of lonliness. I miss Brienna every day. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, wear these shoes. It has been 3, 4, and 5 years since we have lost our babies. As time goes on you will not forget about this wee one who left such a large footprint on your heart; rather, something may happen and you will think of her and wonder what she might have looked like on her 3rd birthday or if she would have wanted to do ballet or gymnastics or horse riding....but you will not forget her. When my two living children are old enough to understand, they will learn about their sisters and brother who came before them.
ReplyDeleteThe pain subsides. It does not ever fully go away. It turns into a kind of scar that only hurts certain times and the pain becomes a different kind of pain...one very hard to explain. It isn't the kind of pain you are feeling now...the kind that makes you want to just curl up into a ball and lay in bed for all eternity. It is more like an ache that makes you remember. Sometimes it comes and it makes you smile, sometimes it makes you cry, sometimes it causes you to help someone else. Yes, it is a much different feeling that you have now.
Don't worry what others think. You will heal only in your own time, not on the time line that someone else thinks is appropriate. Laugh when you feel the need, cry when you need to. Receive hugs and let yourself melt into the one given by your closest friends and family. While friends and family don't always know what to say or do, they are always there.....constant.
Most of all, continue to lean on HIM. He is that Rock in the middle of the raging sea. The strongest thing you could ever imagine. He is always there...holding, hugging, nurturing, wiping away tears.
Many, many hugs to you
The writing is so beautiful. It is so true about the looks we get, the pain the shoes cause us at times. Your little Brienna is beautiful and I so pray for this ache in your arms and your heart.
ReplyDeleteI know you are continuing to have a 'blog silence', but I wanted to come here & say that I have been thinking of you & Brienna and am praying for you during these days. You both have not been forgotten and I pray that your broken heart is beginning to heal.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Rebecca