I hope you're comfortable, this might take awhile!
I'm an early-thirties girl with an adorable son, stinky dog and amazing husband. I feel incredibly lucky to be where I am in my life, although it's taken me several years to actually be able to say that. Since the blog is called i run for BMM, I'll start my story there.
My husband P and I were overjoyed to find out we were pregnant on September 15, 2008. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying either. Either way, we were thrilled, but cautious. We waited until I was 14 weeks to tell people and I naively thought that if I made it out of the first trimester, we were in the clear. At 17 weeks, I found out that my AFP was abnormal. They did an amnio and on Christmas Eve we found out that our baby had Trisomy 18 - a diagnosis considered "incompatible with life". We were devastated. We were asked to make a decision about termination and instantly knew that was not an option for us. So we settled in for an otherwise great pregnancy. We had planned on waiting to find out our babe's gender, but after getting the T18 diagnosis, decided that we wanted to know. We were having a girl!! We called her Toot and loved her so much. She danced around in my belly every day and I loved every minute of it. She was safe and sound and I cherised those moments with her, because we knew that there was a 50% chance she wouldn't survive labor and delivery.
June 2, 2009 - Brienna Marie is born still. I was shocked. I knew in my heart of hearts that we weren't leaving the hospital with our baby girl, but I believed that she would be born alive. I couldn't imagine it any other way. I was induced in the morning, had a relatively easy labor, but will never forget the moment she was born. I could have sworn she moved her arm, but when they NP told me she had no heartbeat I just couldn't believe it. P said I made the saddest sound he's ever heard in his life. We spent 5 hours with our baby girl. We had family photos taken and kissed her and loved her and cuddled her. Saying goodbye was the single hardest moment of my life. We gave her to the nurse and I thought I was literally going to crumble into a million pieces. We had a funeral for Brienna and buried her near my parent's house. I was 29 years old, owned my own cemetery plot and was a new mom with no baby. Not exactly the life I had envisioned. When your spouse dies, you're a widow. When your parents die, you're an orphan. But there's no word for when your baby dies. You just are. And it sucks.
I started running as a way to ease the mental pain of being a mom with no baby to take care of. I'd always been a casual runner; I ran track in high school (like the 100 yard dash) and would occasionally start running only to inevitably stop. This time was different. I needed to run. It was the only thing that kept me sane. My sister asked me if I wanted to train for a half marathon, and it seemed like a reasonable idea. So I did. And then I decided that if I could run a half, I could run a full. So I did. And every grueling run on the treadmill (I ran a winter marathon ... in New England) I reminded myself that I was running for less time than I spent with Brienna. And that I'd do anything to have that time back. I found that while running, I felt close to Brienna. I'd see little butterflies and think of her. Running gave me a way to honor her memory. My ultimate dream is run the Boston Marathon in her memory.
P and I started trying to conceive again as soon as we were given the ok. I didn't tell a soul, and we just kept trying and trying. And nothing happened. I ended up on Clomid, had an HSG and still nothing. Then in March of 2010, our house flooded and we lost almost everything. People were standing on our street saying they couldn't imagine anything worse and all I could think was that this was nothing. We lost stuff. Losing a baby is way worse.
In May 2010, at my first appointment with the RE, I find out I'm pregnant. Ironic, right? But the little bean wasn't growing right and at 8 weeks 2 days, there was no more heartbeat. I was devastated, but numb. I think I completely dissociated myself from the whole experience. Again, not nearly as bad as losing Brienna.
P and I decided we'd lay off the whole trying thing for awhile, it was just too much ... too hard. So imagine my surprise when I never get a period after the miscarriage and I find out I'm pregnant! I was thrilled, but skeptical. At that point, it seemed like everything I loved, I lost. I was battling some serious anxiety issues, but somehow managed not to totally lose my mind.
On April 26, 2011, our little munchkin was born. Peter Joseph arrived and it was incredible. He was huge - 9 lbs. 14 oz. - and the cutest little boy I'd ever seen. He gets cuter every day and I am totally head over heels in love.
I credit Brienna with so much. She gave me more perspective than I ever thought I'd have at this age. She made P and I a stronger couple. If someone had told me that less than two years into our marriage we'd deal with such heartbreak, I would have said we couldn't survive something that awful. And yet we did. We are. And we're better for it. She made me a better, stronger person and every day I am thankful for the gift of being her mom.
So this blog is about my life ... it's probably not that exciting, but it's therapeutic for me. And my single biggest fear is that Brienna will be forgotten. This way, I can ensure she isn't. And if my story helps just one other person, than her legacy will continue to live on. It's also a blog about running, my infatuation with Pete and everything in between.
Thanks for reading!
UPDATE: The awesome Dimity and SBS asked me to share my story at AMR. I was touched and honored, and so happy to share Brienna's story with their fantastic readers!
