So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I fully anticipated being pregnant by now. And we're not. Still. I am starting to get very frustrated. I know, it's not technically trouble until you've been trying for a year. But 50% of couples having unprotected sex get pregnant within 6 months. Hasn't happened with us. We started trying almost immediately. We joked that we'd have Irish twins. It seemed perfect. The first few months, I was actually relieved to get my period. There is no way in hell we would have been ready to have another baby. I needed that time to focus solely on Bri.enna. And that I did. So it was good. Fast forward a few months, we're still not pregnant. I tried to time it using those ovulation kits from CVS, no such luck. They said I didn't ovulate. My period was late. Several times. I would get my hopes up (all the while trying not to get my hopes up) and that whore AF* would show up anyway. It's hard not to be frustrated. Especially when I know 13 people that are pregnant right now. And of course it feels like they're all having girls. I am happy for them, but it makes me sick to my stomach with jealousy too. Hearing about their baby showers and what the nursery is going to look like makes me want to punch a wall. Am I a bad person? Maybe. But I can't help it. Our baby was taken away from us and I want another one. NOW.
I finally broke down and called my doctor this month. He completely understood my frustration and because of my irregular periods, suggested we try Clomid. So I did. And I chart my temperature every freaking morning and we have sex when we're supposed to. And guess what, I don't think I'm pregnant. I can feel that I'm getting my period. And that makes me mad, sad and frustrated. I admire the people that have struggled with infertility for years. I don't know how they do it. It's been 7 months for us and I'm freaking out. I am one more period away from screaming. I want to bring a baby home from the hospital. P and I are so ready ... and it breaks my heart because I think he might be even more disappointed than I am every month. He stays positive, but he's sad too. We just assumed it would work as quickly as it did with Bri.enna. And it hasn't. And it's a lesson in patience that I am having a really hard time with!
*So not clever enough to think of calling AF a whore. Stole it from another blog.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Nervous Nelly
I am so freaking nervous about this marathon! It's supposed to be rain/snow and 39 on Sunday. I mean, really?! When I left work this morning that was the exact weather outside and it was COLD. I am so afraid of letting Bri.enna down ... I doubt myself and my ability to finish the race and am so totally in my own head that it's bad.
UPDATE: I went shopping today and bought myself some rain gear. I'm feeling a bit better. I so want to finish this marathon. Gone (almost) are my lofty time goals. Crossing that finish line is enough for me. I just want to run a good race and do it for Bri.enna. I cannot let her down. There is so little I can do for her ... any chance I get to do something, anything for her makes me happy. I miss her :( So much it hurts. I sobbed and sobbed last night. P held me and then I felt better. This just never gets easy. My baby is gone. Did this really happen to me?! It couldn't have, I can't survive something like this! It's horrible, the worst thing that could ever happen. Something like that would ruin my marriage. Yet here I am. Stronger. With a better marriage than I could have hoped. About to run my first marathon ever, (hopefully) fulfilling a life long dream. Thank you Bri.enna. Because of you, this is all possible. I love you and miss you so much ...
UPDATE: I went shopping today and bought myself some rain gear. I'm feeling a bit better. I so want to finish this marathon. Gone (almost) are my lofty time goals. Crossing that finish line is enough for me. I just want to run a good race and do it for Bri.enna. I cannot let her down. There is so little I can do for her ... any chance I get to do something, anything for her makes me happy. I miss her :( So much it hurts. I sobbed and sobbed last night. P held me and then I felt better. This just never gets easy. My baby is gone. Did this really happen to me?! It couldn't have, I can't survive something like this! It's horrible, the worst thing that could ever happen. Something like that would ruin my marriage. Yet here I am. Stronger. With a better marriage than I could have hoped. About to run my first marathon ever, (hopefully) fulfilling a life long dream. Thank you Bri.enna. Because of you, this is all possible. I love you and miss you so much ...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Marathon Mama
I am set to run my first ever marathon next weekend. I can't wait and yet I'm petrified at the same time! Here's how it came to be:
One of the things I missed most while pregnant was running. I had a love/hate relationship with it prior to that point though ... it was something I enjoyed, but I always ended up injuring myself. I ran track in high school (the 100, not long distances!) and ran in college to stay in shape but ended up with ITBS. Despite having surgery to try and correct it, I constantly had problems with it and was sidelined any time I ran over 4 miles. Regardless, I missed it when I was pregnant and started up shortly after Bri.enna was born and my lady bits could tolerate it - they throbbed for about 3 months and to this day, throb when I have my period and after a long run ... the things they don't tell you about having a baby!
My sister and I decided to train for the Seacoast Half Marathon in Novemeber. I started increasing my mileage sloooowly and found that I was okay. I ordered a Patt Strap for my ITB and whether it was mental or not, it worked! I ran the race injury free and loved every minute of it. We ran in memory of Bri.enna - had t-shirts made, fans to cheer us on and everything. It was awesome. I knew the minute I finished that I wanted to run another one and maybe even a marathon.
I started pseudo-training for the Hyannis Marathon. I didn't fully commit, because I 100% anticipated being pregnant. (I thought I'd be pregnant by the half marathon, but more on that later). When I got my period yet again in December, I decided to just go for it, thinking that even if we got pregnant that month, I'd only be 7-8 weeks along. I'm still not pregnant, so it was a good decision to commit to this marathon.
Back to training ... I totally slacked off on the weekly runs, but faithfully did my long runs every week and surprised myself by being able to do them with relative ease. It's strangely addicting, despite the fact that most of them were on the freaking treadmill. Never again will I run 20 miles on one machine - ugh. But, I did it, even when it felt hard. And I found that I can run faster than I ever thought. I ran the half at a 9:46 pace, beating my goal of a 10:00 min/mile pace. I thought that was as fast as I could get, but started doing my short runs even faster ... just on Wednesday, I did 7 miles in 62:10 - an 8:53 pace!!
I'm hoping to run the marathon at about a 10:00 pace. My true goal is just to finish, but I'm wicked competitive with myself and really want to break 4:30 (about a 10:15 pace) ... my next marathon though, I want to train much smarter and run much faster. I truly owe it all to Bri.enna. I never thought I could run a marathon. It had always been a goal of mine, but never did I think I could actually do it. (And I haven't yet, but I'm hopeful!) Every time it felt hard, I reminded myself that I held Bri.enna for more time than I'll be running for. And I would give anything to have that time back, so I can certainly run for less time ... it motivates me every time :)
So, that's why I decided to run a marathon. And now I'm toying with the idea of running 1000 miles. I read the blog of another girl who set out to run 400 miles in 2009, and I decided I wanted to up it. And I couldn't stop thinking of that song, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more ..." and decided that I would RUN 500 miles and then RUN 500 more. To do it all in one year is going to be about 2o miles/week which is a stretch. So I'm thinking maybe 500 miles in 2010 and 500 miles in 2011. We'll see. But I really want to try. And I hope I don't let Bri.enna down!!
One of the things I missed most while pregnant was running. I had a love/hate relationship with it prior to that point though ... it was something I enjoyed, but I always ended up injuring myself. I ran track in high school (the 100, not long distances!) and ran in college to stay in shape but ended up with ITBS. Despite having surgery to try and correct it, I constantly had problems with it and was sidelined any time I ran over 4 miles. Regardless, I missed it when I was pregnant and started up shortly after Bri.enna was born and my lady bits could tolerate it - they throbbed for about 3 months and to this day, throb when I have my period and after a long run ... the things they don't tell you about having a baby!
My sister and I decided to train for the Seacoast Half Marathon in Novemeber. I started increasing my mileage sloooowly and found that I was okay. I ordered a Patt Strap for my ITB and whether it was mental or not, it worked! I ran the race injury free and loved every minute of it. We ran in memory of Bri.enna - had t-shirts made, fans to cheer us on and everything. It was awesome. I knew the minute I finished that I wanted to run another one and maybe even a marathon.
I started pseudo-training for the Hyannis Marathon. I didn't fully commit, because I 100% anticipated being pregnant. (I thought I'd be pregnant by the half marathon, but more on that later). When I got my period yet again in December, I decided to just go for it, thinking that even if we got pregnant that month, I'd only be 7-8 weeks along. I'm still not pregnant, so it was a good decision to commit to this marathon.
Back to training ... I totally slacked off on the weekly runs, but faithfully did my long runs every week and surprised myself by being able to do them with relative ease. It's strangely addicting, despite the fact that most of them were on the freaking treadmill. Never again will I run 20 miles on one machine - ugh. But, I did it, even when it felt hard. And I found that I can run faster than I ever thought. I ran the half at a 9:46 pace, beating my goal of a 10:00 min/mile pace. I thought that was as fast as I could get, but started doing my short runs even faster ... just on Wednesday, I did 7 miles in 62:10 - an 8:53 pace!!
I'm hoping to run the marathon at about a 10:00 pace. My true goal is just to finish, but I'm wicked competitive with myself and really want to break 4:30 (about a 10:15 pace) ... my next marathon though, I want to train much smarter and run much faster. I truly owe it all to Bri.enna. I never thought I could run a marathon. It had always been a goal of mine, but never did I think I could actually do it. (And I haven't yet, but I'm hopeful!) Every time it felt hard, I reminded myself that I held Bri.enna for more time than I'll be running for. And I would give anything to have that time back, so I can certainly run for less time ... it motivates me every time :)
So, that's why I decided to run a marathon. And now I'm toying with the idea of running 1000 miles. I read the blog of another girl who set out to run 400 miles in 2009, and I decided I wanted to up it. And I couldn't stop thinking of that song, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more ..." and decided that I would RUN 500 miles and then RUN 500 more. To do it all in one year is going to be about 2o miles/week which is a stretch. So I'm thinking maybe 500 miles in 2010 and 500 miles in 2011. We'll see. But I really want to try. And I hope I don't let Bri.enna down!!
Hiatus
If you asked me why I haven’t posted anything in the last 5+ months, I’m not even sure I’d have an answer. Yet for some reason, I haven't. I didn’t stop writing altogether; I have several drafts that I wrote and just never got around to posting. Again, not entirely sure why. I think part of it had to do with people from my “real” life reading my innermost thoughts and feelings. I started to feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable and then started getting paranoid that other people would be reading and I wouldn’t know it. It's certainly a risk you take in the blog world and it started to bother me … but lately, I’ve been itching to post. I especially wanted to write about my marathon training in honor of Bri.enna. So, I opted to create a new blog title and imported all my old posts. It seemed like the best of both worlds. Hopefully I'm happy with the decision :)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Intro
I've been blogging on/off for the last two years or so. I loved my last blog - it even had some followers! - but kinda just stopped writing. A few people from my real life knew about it, and I was feeling too exposed, and therefore too vulnerable to keep writing. So I just stopped. And wrote things when I wanted to, but never posted them. I'm thinking maybe I'll start posting them here. I want an outlet. I want to remember all my crazy thoughts about this time in my life. So apparently, this is it ... here is my story:
My husband and I got married in October 2007 and found out we were pregnant in September 2008. We were overjoyed. So excited to be parents, already in love with our little baby to be. December 2008 we find out our baby is possibly sick. We have an amnio, and find out she is. With Trisomy 18 - a diagnosis considered to be incompatible with life. We're devastated, heartbroken and at a loss. We make the only decision we could, and carry on, hopeful that we'll have some time with her when she's born. At 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I'm induced with good ol' Pitocin. Bri.enna is born at 8:50 PM. They tell me she has no heartbeat and my world collapses.
P and I spend the most heartwarming and heartbroken five hours of our life holding her, loving her and trying to fit in a lifetime's worth of everything into no time at all. We were blessed to have a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep capture those precious moments with her.
Fast forward eight and a half months, and here I am. Struggling to be normal when I feel anything but. Living in a world that my precious daughter will never know. Wishing I was a time traveler so I could go back to June 2 and hold my baby. Trying desperately to conceive again and getting increasingly frustrated that it's not working!!
Here's to my next adventure in blogging ...
My husband and I got married in October 2007 and found out we were pregnant in September 2008. We were overjoyed. So excited to be parents, already in love with our little baby to be. December 2008 we find out our baby is possibly sick. We have an amnio, and find out she is. With Trisomy 18 - a diagnosis considered to be incompatible with life. We're devastated, heartbroken and at a loss. We make the only decision we could, and carry on, hopeful that we'll have some time with her when she's born. At 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I'm induced with good ol' Pitocin. Bri.enna is born at 8:50 PM. They tell me she has no heartbeat and my world collapses.
P and I spend the most heartwarming and heartbroken five hours of our life holding her, loving her and trying to fit in a lifetime's worth of everything into no time at all. We were blessed to have a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep capture those precious moments with her.
Fast forward eight and a half months, and here I am. Struggling to be normal when I feel anything but. Living in a world that my precious daughter will never know. Wishing I was a time traveler so I could go back to June 2 and hold my baby. Trying desperately to conceive again and getting increasingly frustrated that it's not working!!
Here's to my next adventure in blogging ...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Let the Taper Begin!
I ran my longest training run this weekend. 20 miles. On the treadmill. And it was miserable. I wanted to quit so many times, but talked to Brienna a lot and convinced myself to stick it out. I was so proud of myself! I know it sounds stupid, but it was not a fun run and yet I did it. Before Brienna, I wouldn't have done that. I would have justified quitting and then been mad at myself. But I want Brienna to be proud of me. There are so few things that I can do for her, and if running a marathon is one of them, then I am determined to do it.
Now begins the taper portion of training. And I can't wait!
Now begins the taper portion of training. And I can't wait!
Hope
Brienna taught me about the power of hope. I constantly look back to June 2 and am amazed at how hopeful we remained. I was smiling all day, hopeful that we would have time. That Brienna would be born alive. I look back and cannot believe how calm I appeared on the outside. The pictures of me that day are almost happy-looking. In a way, it makes sense. I was about to give birth! In and of itself, that is an amazing accomplishment. Despite the fear and uncertainty, we were hopeful. All day. We remained hopeful up until that fateful minute when they told us Brienna didn't have a heartbeat.
It would be easy to feel betrayed by that hope, yet we clung to it. And still do. I cling to the hope that Brienna didn't suffer. I hope that some day, we will be reunited again. That I will get to hold her, kiss her, hug her and love on her in ways I didn't get to here on Earth.
Brienna taught me about the power of hope ... it's a lesson I am glad I learned.
It would be easy to feel betrayed by that hope, yet we clung to it. And still do. I cling to the hope that Brienna didn't suffer. I hope that some day, we will be reunited again. That I will get to hold her, kiss her, hug her and love on her in ways I didn't get to here on Earth.
Brienna taught me about the power of hope ... it's a lesson I am glad I learned.
Resilience
Brienna has taught me that we as a human species are so resilient. Despite the fact that my spirit feels crushed and my heart aches, every day I get out of bed. Every day, I put one foot in front of the other and attempt to live life. Every day is a reminder that she is not here, yet every day I live. We are resilient. I am resilient. And it boggles my mind.
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