Whiny Bitch

I am a whiny little bitch right now. You were warned.

I feel like I have regressed so much this week. I am miserable. I have zero energy to do anything and would like nothing more than to curl up in my bed and wake up six months from now. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to shower, I don't want to work, I don't want to run, I don't want to smile and I barely want to breathe. I just want to hide. I haven't felt like this in a while and I forgot how debilitating it is.

We found out friends of ours are pregnant with their second baby. Their daughter is 16 months old. Poor P had to tell me and I just started bawling. For the better part of an hour, he just held me and I sobbed. Why does everyone else get what I want so badly? Our girls were supposed to grow up together, but our daughter died. How is that fair? And now here they are, 13 weeks pregnant. It's been slowly killing me every time one of our friends giddily announces they're PREGNANT! With their first BABY! And are so EXCITED! I put on my game face and I'm happy for them. I am. I learned that it's okay to have more than emotion at the same time. But it sucks. I steeled myself for the round of first-timers, but I wasn't ready for the round of second-timers (despite a sneaking suspicion that they were in fact pregnant). I feel like we are so late to the party - which is fitting, because we are late for everything. Except work. I fear the day I am taken by surprise in public and someone will witness me cry that hideous cry you never want anyone to see.

My game face is cracking. I don't know how many more times I can take my heart being be ripped out of my body and stomped on. I am so tired of picking up the pieces and putting it back together. It sucks. And yes, I realize we still have a ways to go before we're even technically considered to be having "trouble". But everything just exacerbates that Bri.enna isn't here. And it sucks. More than I can possibly describe ...

I also got my period. Joy.

So that is why I am a whiny bitch. And I have to work tonight. And Sunday night. And we're supposed to go to a fundraiser for a friend and I just bailed. P is skiing with friends and going afterwards. I am going to wallow on the couch with the stack of Pringles I just bought. At least it's going to be 50 degrees out and I can take B to the beach. Sigh.

Not so Fertile-Myrtle

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I fully anticipated being pregnant by now. And we're not. Still. I am starting to get very frustrated. I know, it's not technically trouble until you've been trying for a year. But 50% of couples having unprotected sex get pregnant within 6 months. Hasn't happened with us. We started trying almost immediately. We joked that we'd have Irish twins. It seemed perfect. The first few months, I was actually relieved to get my period. There is no way in hell we would have been ready to have another baby. I needed that time to focus solely on Bri.enna. And that I did. So it was good. Fast forward a few months, we're still not pregnant. I tried to time it using those ovulation kits from CVS, no such luck. They said I didn't ovulate. My period was late. Several times. I would get my hopes up (all the while trying not to get my hopes up) and that whore AF* would show up anyway. It's hard not to be frustrated. Especially when I know 13 people that are pregnant right now. And of course it feels like they're all having girls. I am happy for them, but it makes me sick to my stomach with jealousy too. Hearing about their baby showers and what the nursery is going to look like makes me want to punch a wall. Am I a bad person? Maybe. But I can't help it. Our baby was taken away from us and I want another one. NOW.

I finally broke down and called my doctor this month. He completely understood my frustration and because of my irregular periods, suggested we try Clomid. So I did. And I chart my temperature every freaking morning and we have sex when we're supposed to. And guess what, I don't think I'm pregnant. I can feel that I'm getting my period. And that makes me mad, sad and frustrated. I admire the people that have struggled with infertility for years. I don't know how they do it. It's been 7 months for us and I'm freaking out. I am one more period away from screaming. I want to bring a baby home from the hospital. P and I are so ready ... and it breaks my heart because I think he might be even more disappointed than I am every month. He stays positive, but he's sad too. We just assumed it would work as quickly as it did with Bri.enna. And it hasn't. And it's a lesson in patience that I am having a really hard time with!

*So not clever enough to think of calling AF a whore. Stole it from another blog.