I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say I am terrified. I was so hoping that Toot would arrive on her own, but it appears that is not going to happen! She has a couple more hours, but it doesn't look likely. I feel like I am kicking her out of her safe, cozy home and I hate it. My brain knows that I don't have a choice, but my heart feels heavy. I want to let her stay forever ... she is safe, warm, cozy and alive and is now about to be forced to leave. I'm terrified. Terrified to be in the hospital. Terrified to be outside of my comfort zone. Terrified to give birth. Terrified of the uncertainty. Terrified that she might be born still. Terrified that I won't get to meet her alive. Terrified of saying goodbye ... Yet at the same time that I am scared out of my mind, I'm so excited to meet her. I dream about her every night and I just can't wait to hold her. I can't believe we're at this point ... I really can't. I've tried every trick in the book to try and induce labor, but nothing has worked ...
I am so not looking forward to not being pregnant. I can't imagine how empty I'm going to feel. Every time I get scared or sad, Toot gives me a little kick, like "it's okay Mom, I'm here and safe and sound" ... and in a few days or less, that won't be the case anymore. She has given me the strength to get through this, and I have no idea how to do it on my own ... she's given me purpose each and every day for the last forty plus weeks.
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