- I am petrified I am going to forget.
- It is exhausting and incredibly draining to pretend to be "okay" for other people.
- I love the little reminders on my body that I did indeed have a baby.
- Brienna's name is Celtic and means "strong, she ascends" ... I love her name.
- I have a bruise on my right hand from a blown IV. As it fades, I get sadder and sadder because when I see it now, I think of Brienna.
- I secretly like the pain associated with my tear because it reminds of my sweet baby girl.
- I wore a normal, pre-pregnancy bra on Thursday and it made me ridiculously sad.
- I despise looking in the mirror because it's a reminder that I no longer have Brienna in my belly.
- I hate my jelly belly.
- The shirt I was wearing when I held Brienna is in my room, folded up with the camisole I wore during delivery. I doubt I will ever wash either of them.
- I saw my one pair of maternity jeans today when I was cleaning my room and almost cried.
- When I showered the day after Brienna was born, I felt like I was washing her away and I cried the entire time.
- Every time I visit her at the cemetery, I want to throw myself on the ground and stay with her. P has prevented me from doing this.
- Sometimes, breathing hurts.
- Time seems to stand still. The only time it moves is when I'm sleeping.
- Everything seems so surreal that at times I wonder if I did indeed have a baby ...
- I found a poem online yesterday that brings me to tears every time I read it. I changed the his to a her ... the author is unknown:
Tiny Angel rest your wings
Sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear ...
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long ...
Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know ...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".
Sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear ...
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long ...
Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know ...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".
- I constantly wonder if Brienna knew she was dying when she was inside me and if she was scared.
- I feel like a failure because I couldn't protect my daughter. The counselor I see says that maybe she died to protect us from seeing her have to suffer. A little baby shouldn't have to protect her parents ...
- I know she is in God's hands and with our loved ones that have already died, but I hate that she is alone in Heaven. I wish I could be with her ...
- I have less fear of dying someday because I know it will mean that I get to see my daughter again.
- I hope beyond hope that Brienna knew we loved her.
- I fear we didn't make enough memories with her while I was pregnant.
- My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I am dreading him not being home.
- I cannot believe it has been 12 days since my baby was born ... and died.
- Natalie Cole's "I Miss You Like Crazy" is constantly stuck in my head.
- I hate the word stillborn.
- Because Brienna died at birth, I fear people will think she didn't exist. She so existed.
- I have no idea how to do this ...
Your sweet little baby was born. She was here and even a stranger like me, far away, has been touched by her life. Even though you cannot hold your precious girl in your arms, this does not diminish the fact that you are her mommy and forever will be.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your confusion and pain.
Your sweet little girl is absolutely beautiful and her life has touched me so deeply.
Praying for you in California,
Nichole
She is so beautiful, just absolutely beautiful. Praying for you and P.
ReplyDeleteNormal. You are normal and your emotions are normal. I remember having a very similar list. So for my list has not gone away...but it has changed. I find myself confused and frustrated about many of my emotions.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you to have moments of peace and joy in the mist of this storm. Be gentle with yourself and your husband (especially when his grief changes and takes a different path then yours...email me if you ever want to discuss this!)
Brienna is beautiful! I hope that you will share more pictures as time goes by.
Jen
Brienna is absolutely beautiful. I have no doubt that she knows you love her. I have been thinking about you so much, praying that you find a peace beyond understanding in the midst of your pain. Thank you for sharing your list. It is so open and honest. My heart breaks with yours. Please share more pictures of Brienna when you are able. She's gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteI too have this list & like a previous commenter said, it *does* change over time. For me it's only been a month. I, too, hate the word 'stillborn', wish I didn't have the words 'Trisomy 18' in my vocabulary, and also have 'no idea how to do this'.
ReplyDeleteOur lives are standing still because our pain is so BIG & what we've lost is so....irreplaceable.
I'm so sorry for your hard, hard days. I am having them too.
I am so sorry that your beautiful little girl died. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much heartache. Brienna was so beautiful. I lost my daughter at birth 3 years ago on May 31st. I thought I was going to die from sorrow. I remember throwing myself on the floor of her nursery after we came home from the hospital.
ReplyDeleteBut I want to give you hope. Hope that it will get easier. Please give yourself time to grieve, to miss her, to long for her, to dream of her. Don't let anyone try to take that right away from you. There is no magic time line when you lose your child. But I promise you that your grief will change (not go away). I used to go to the cemetary every single Wednesday for months (she died on a Wednesday) and eventually I found myself missing a week or two here and there. I can look back now and smile when I think of carrying her within me for those 9 months. I can smile when I remember her soft skin and beautiful lips and red hair.
I pray that God will comfort you tonight. A dear friend who had lost a child 30 years before my sweet Madeline passed away gave me some very insightful words, "God and Time." These 3 words are so true and I hope that they will bring comfort to you.