Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours ...

best. present. ever

And Then Everything Changed

It was just three short years ago that my world was altered.  I was naively happily pregnant when I listened to a voicemail from my OB's office on 12/16/2008.  I called back and was told that the doctor would call me.  In the back of my head, I thought that probably wasn't good.  The office closes at 4; he called at 6PM - from his cellphone.  Then I knew it was bad.  He told me that my AFP was abnormal, but not to panic.  He told me the possible things that could be wrong with my baby.  I went online, found the Trisomy 18 website and the first words I saw were "incompatible with life".  I panicked.  P was at an event for work.  I called him and asked him to come home.  I never do that and he was home in a flash.  We read everything we could, cried and made the decision to have an amniocentesis, the only way to positively know if our baby would be ok. Three years ago today (can you tell I'm a bit date obsessed) we had our amnio.  Our doctor was one of the nicest I've ever met.  Everything looked okay, he didn't see any outward signs of T18, but the amnio would confirm.  This is what I wrote then:

"Friday was maybe the longest day of my life. Our appt was at 9:45, so we got up early and were there in plenty of time. They did a level II ultrasound prior to the amnio to look for characteristics of Trisomy 18. During the ultrasound, we learned that Toot is measuring very small ... Based on a May 28 due date, Toot should have been measuring 17 weeks, 1 day, but was only measuring 16 weeks, 2 days. Small gestational age is a sign of Trisomy 18. According to the doctor, everything else looked okay, but it was hard to get a good enough look because of how small Toot is.


I am trying so hard to stay positive, but at the same time, am so afraid of what we will find out ... I can't imagine seeing your own child struggle with developmental disabilities, not being able to ever be independent. It just is almost too hard to fathom. You spend your whole life dreaming of a happy, healthy baby. Then you actually conceive, a miracle in it's own right and you just can't stop thinking about the future. Everything immediately becomes about the baby. You imagine the endless possibilities that await your precious child and to find out that may not happen is just heartbreaking. I feel like my heart is literally aching. It hurts to just exist right now.

I think the hardest part is waiting. They did a FISH test with the amnio, so we might know something as soon as Tuesday. But, our doctor told us that it's not 100% reliable and not to "bet the ranch" on the results. P and I know that no matter what, we're not going to change anything. Terminating the pregnancy is just not an option for us. I think God has a plan, and in these last few days, I've prayed more than I have in a long time. In one sense, I have this weird calm that everything will be okay. And I know, no matter what happens, P and I will be okay. If anything, these last few days have showed me that our love and our marriage is stronger than I could have imagined. We have each other, and will get through this.

While part of me has that sense of calm, the other is right on the edge of panicking. It's like I can't let myself believe that something could be wrong, but at the same time, I'm afraid to think that everything could be okay. It has to be okay. Our baby has to be healthy. How can it not? My emotions are all over the place, and it's hard to just function. P has been a pillar of strength; I wish I could be more like him. He said that he just needs things to be as normal as possible. While I on the other hand, don't know how to act normal. I haven't gone to work, I'm not sleeping and to top it all off, I think I have strep throat. And it's Christmas this week. I don't know how I'm going to see our families and pretend everything is fine. We might just skip Christmas. I love seeing our families on Christmas. But I just don't know if I can ..."

I have no idea how I survived.  I am so glad I wrote things down so I can look back and see how far I've come. This time of year is always hard for me.  Depression rears its ugly head and I have to fight back extra hard.  I have trouble motivating myself to run even though it makes me feel so much better.  I've decided that I need to hold myself accountable.  I'm going to start using either The Daily Mile or RunKeeper to track my workouts.  And I'm going to run another half marathon in March.  So that will get my butt in gear - I hope anyway.  I'm excited to run another race for BMM.  It's been over a year since my last one and high time for another one!

Saying Yes

Five years ago today, P asked me if I would marry him.  Saying yes was a very good decision.  We've been through so much together, and are stronger because of it.  It's fun to think back to that night five years ago.  We weren't living together at the time, and when I got to his house, he told me I had to wear a dress to his work Christmas party.  I was pissed because not only was it frigid outside, but I'd already showered and dried my hair - and I hadn't shaved my legs.  So as I stood in the shower shaving, I was fuming. Little did I know that I'd be engaged in just a few hours!  P was so nervous, and hummed all throughout dinner, which was pretty strange.  The waiters were all over us, because they were in on it and not sure it was going to happen because P kept putting it off.  Finally, after our dinners had been cleared away, the waiter came over with a dessert and two glasses of champagne and said he thought it would be nice for a celebration.  Confused, I turned to P as he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.  I was ecstatic and immediately said yes.  He claims I said "Holy $@!%", but I beg to differ :)  Either way, I'd say it worked out pretty well!

Solo Run

P gave me the best gift this weekend: a solo run.  He took Pete out to run errands and I went running sans jogging stroller for the first time in a long time.  It was glorious.  And I needed it.  It's kinda sad that an average 9:24 pace felt fast, but I really didn't care.   I was just happy to be running.  And Bailey was too! I remembered how fun it is to run with just her.  She's a pretty good running buddy and I think know she much prefers running with just me, rather than with me and the stroller.  But she's always a good sport about it either way!  And it is insane that it's this warm in December - I still think we need a treadmill, but I'll take this mild weather while I can.

So thanks P - you made my day!  And when this running mama is happy, it benefits everyone :)

THANKSGIVING

Today, I am thankful for many things.  I am happier than I have been in years.  Maybe ever.  I feel content and while it scares the crap out of me, I'm trying to just go with it:

I am thankful for Brienna.  I used to be a very insecure and self-conscious person.  I compared myself to everyone and always found fault ... with myself.  It was something I struggled with and worked on for years.  When we found out that our baby was sick, so many people told us how brave and how strong we were.  And all I could think was, "we don't have an effing choice!!!" How does that make us strong?"  And I didn't feel strong.  I felt like I could lose it at any moment and sometimes, I did.  But you know what, I am strong.  I read a quote on another blog: you never know how STRONG you are until STRONG is your only option.  I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  Brienna made me strong.  That's not to say that I don't occasionally struggle with insecurities, but not like I used to.  I know what I'm made of now.  And I like me.  I am comfortable in my own skin.  And if I feel insecure, I remind myself that I've walked some pretty rough terrain and am better for it.  I will forever be grateful to her for that gift.

I am thankful for my sister.  Despite the fact that for the better part of two years, I was locked in my own little world of hurt and took very little interest in anyone (or anything) else, she didn't give up on me.  I love her for that.  We're closer than ever now and it feels really good.

I am thankful for P.  We celebrated our four year anniversary last month.  We have dealt with a lot in our four years and yet we're a stronger couple because of it.  He is the love of my life.

I am thankful for running.  It really does help keep me sane.  It also is a confidence booster.  P, Pete, Bailey and I ran our own Turkey Trot this morning (I couldn't find one in our area that was jogger and pet friendly!) and it was the perfect way to start my day.

Lastly, I am thankful for Pete.  He is the light of my life and I love everything about him.  I am sure every new parent feels this way, but I stare at him with wonder and amazement and am beyond proud of him.  He has made me happier than I ever thought I could be and I can't thank him enough for it.  He is such a lovable, fun little boy and I truly cannot believe he's mine :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Best Laid Plans ...

I have been having trouble motivating myself to exercise.  I'm not sure why.  I know how much better it makes me feel, and yet there are days I just can't get out the door.  Then there are days when I do get out the door and things don't go as planned.  Today, I was all geared up and ready to go but as I strapped Pete into the stroller, he started screaming.  And wouldn't settle down.  So we went back inside so he could take a nap.  I'm not sure who was more disappointed - me, or Bailey.  Poor thing had her collar and leash on and was all excited.  Once I settled the man in for a nap, I lost all my motivation to run.  And then had fast food for lunch.  Talk about going in opposite directions.  BOO.

I guess I should have planned things a little better ... and days like today really make me wish our treadmill wasn't lost in the flood.   And that perhaps, we should ask Santa for a new one!  Sometimes it seems like the littlest things derail me.  I should have done something while Pete napped, and now I can't even remember what I did do.  I know that everyone has bad days, but sometimes when the bad days run together, I have a hard time remembering that this too shall pass.

Sorry for the whiny post.  I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Where Did My Baby Go?

Pete seems to have changed overnight.  I picked him up this morning and he felt huge.  Like he literally gained weight between the time he went to sleep last night and woke up today.  How does time move so quickly??  I am already nostalgic for the days when he would just curl up and fall asleep on me.  Now, he's so interested in everything around him that he hates to be still.  He was exhausted tonight and fell asleep in my arms while nursing.  He sighed his contented baby sighs and laid in my arms and I just held him and rocked him and tried to savor the moment.  It was the best part of my day.