Marathon Mama

I am set to run my first ever marathon next weekend. I can't wait and yet I'm petrified at the same time! Here's how it came to be:

One of the things I missed most while pregnant was running. I had a love/hate relationship with it prior to that point though ... it was something I enjoyed, but I always ended up injuring myself. I ran track in high school (the 100, not long distances!) and ran in college to stay in shape but ended up with ITBS. Despite having surgery to try and correct it, I constantly had problems with it and was sidelined any time I ran over 4 miles. Regardless, I missed it when I was pregnant and started up shortly after Bri.enna was born and my lady bits could tolerate it - they throbbed for about 3 months and to this day, throb when I have my period and after a long run ... the things they don't tell you about having a baby!

My sister and I decided to train for the Seacoast Half Marathon in Novemeber. I started increasing my mileage sloooowly and found that I was okay. I ordered a Patt Strap for my ITB and whether it was mental or not, it worked! I ran the race injury free and loved every minute of it. We ran in memory of Bri.enna - had t-shirts made, fans to cheer us on and everything. It was awesome. I knew the minute I finished that I wanted to run another one and maybe even a marathon.


I started pseudo-training for the Hyannis Marathon. I didn't fully commit, because I 100% anticipated being pregnant. (I thought I'd be pregnant by the half marathon, but more on that later). When I got my period yet again in December, I decided to just go for it, thinking that even if we got pregnant that month, I'd only be 7-8 weeks along. I'm still not pregnant, so it was a good decision to commit to this marathon.

Back to training ... I totally slacked off on the weekly runs, but faithfully did my long runs every week and surprised myself by being able to do them with relative ease. It's strangely addicting, despite the fact that most of them were on the freaking treadmill. Never again will I run 20 miles on one machine - ugh. But, I did it, even when it felt hard. And I found that I can run faster than I ever thought. I ran the half at a 9:46 pace, beating my goal of a 10:00 min/mile pace. I thought that was as fast as I could get, but started doing my short runs even faster ... just on Wednesday, I did 7 miles in 62:10 - an 8:53 pace!!

I'm hoping to run the marathon at about a 10:00 pace. My true goal is just to finish, but I'm wicked competitive with myself and really want to break 4:30 (about a 10:15 pace) ... my next marathon though, I want to train much smarter and run much faster. I truly owe it all to Bri.enna. I never thought I could run a marathon. It had always been a goal of mine, but never did I think I could actually do it. (And I haven't yet, but I'm hopeful!) Every time it felt hard, I reminded myself that I held Bri.enna for more time than I'll be running for. And I would give anything to have that time back, so I can certainly run for less time ... it motivates me every time :)

So, that's why I decided to run a marathon. And now I'm toying with the idea of running 1000 miles. I read the blog of another girl who set out to run 400 miles in 2009, and I decided I wanted to up it. And I couldn't stop thinking of that song, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more ..." and decided that I would RUN 500 miles and then RUN 500 more. To do it all in one year is going to be about 2o miles/week which is a stretch. So I'm thinking maybe 500 miles in 2010 and 500 miles in 2011. We'll see. But I really want to try. And I hope I don't let Bri.enna down!!

Hiatus

If you asked me why I haven’t posted anything in the last 5+ months, I’m not even sure I’d have an answer. Yet for some reason, I haven't. I didn’t stop writing altogether; I have several drafts that I wrote and just never got around to posting. Again, not entirely sure why. I think part of it had to do with people from my “real” life reading my innermost thoughts and feelings. I started to feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable and then started getting paranoid that other people would be reading and I wouldn’t know it. It's certainly a risk you take in the blog world and it started to bother me … but lately, I’ve been itching to post. I especially wanted to write about my marathon training in honor of Bri.enna. So, I opted to create a new blog title and imported all my old posts. It seemed like the best of both worlds. Hopefully I'm happy with the decision :)

Intro

I've been blogging on/off for the last two years or so. I loved my last blog - it even had some followers! - but kinda just stopped writing. A few people from my real life knew about it, and I was feeling too exposed, and therefore too vulnerable to keep writing. So I just stopped. And wrote things when I wanted to, but never posted them. I'm thinking maybe I'll start posting them here. I want an outlet. I want to remember all my crazy thoughts about this time in my life. So apparently, this is it ... here is my story:

My husband and I got married in October 2007 and found out we were pregnant in September 2008. We were overjoyed. So excited to be parents, already in love with our little baby to be. December 2008 we find out our baby is possibly sick. We have an amnio, and find out she is. With Trisomy 18 - a diagnosis considered to be incompatible with life. We're devastated, heartbroken and at a loss. We make the only decision we could, and carry on, hopeful that we'll have some time with her when she's born. At 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I'm induced with good ol' Pitocin. Bri.enna is born at 8:50 PM. They tell me she has no heartbeat and my world collapses.

P and I spend the most heartwarming and heartbroken five hours of our life holding her, loving her and trying to fit in a lifetime's worth of everything into no time at all. We were blessed to have a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep capture those precious moments with her. 

Fast forward eight and a half months, and here I am. Struggling to be normal when I feel anything but. Living in a world that my precious daughter will never know. Wishing I was a time traveler so I could go back to June 2 and hold my baby. Trying desperately to conceive again and getting increasingly frustrated that it's not working!! 

Here's to my next adventure in blogging ...

Let the Taper Begin!

I ran my longest training run this weekend. 20 miles. On the treadmill. And it was miserable. I wanted to quit so many times, but talked to Brienna a lot and convinced myself to stick it out. I was so proud of myself! I know it sounds stupid, but it was not a fun run and yet I did it. Before Brienna, I wouldn't have done that. I would have justified quitting and then been mad at myself. But I want Brienna to be proud of me. There are so few things that I can do for her, and if running a marathon is one of them, then I am determined to do it.

Now begins the taper portion of training.  And I can't wait!

Hope

Brienna taught me about the power of hope. I constantly look back to June 2 and am amazed at how hopeful we remained. I was smiling all day, hopeful that we would have time. That Brienna would be born alive. I look back and cannot believe how calm I appeared on the outside. The pictures of me that day are almost happy-looking. In a way, it makes sense. I was about to give birth! In and of itself, that is an amazing accomplishment. Despite the fear and uncertainty, we were hopeful. All day. We remained hopeful up until that fateful minute when they told us Brienna didn't have a heartbeat.

It would be easy to feel betrayed by that hope, yet we clung to it. And still do. I cling to the hope that Brienna didn't suffer. I hope that some day, we will be reunited again. That I will get to hold her, kiss her, hug her and love on her in ways I didn't get to here on Earth.

Brienna taught me about the power of hope ... it's a lesson I am glad I learned.

Resilience

Brienna has taught me that we as a human species are so resilient. Despite the fact that my spirit feels crushed and my heart aches, every day I get out of bed. Every day, I put one foot in front of the other and attempt to live life. Every day is a reminder that she is not here, yet every day I live. We are resilient. I am resilient.  And it boggles my mind.

Loving the Taper

After a delicious martini, late bedtime and sluggish morning, I opted to make this week a taper week. Instead of my tentative 18 miles, I ran 12. And it was glorious! I ran on the treadmill and felt good running. I (think) I could easily have done more, but decided that sticking with 12 was probably wise. I ran faster than my normal long runs, and enjoyed myself more than I have been. I had told myself last week that I would run outside no matter what, but it was frigid this morning and I've been pretty anxious lately, so opted to not run alone.

I heard the birth of a stillborn baby referred to as a song of silence ... I thought it so fitting. I am constantly replaying the moment Brienna was born. For whatever reason, I didn't expect her to cry. I think I knew that if she was born alive, she would be so sick and not have it in her to cry. I longed to hear it, believe me, but I didn't expect it. I still never believed that she would be stillborn - and I hate that term, but really, it's the only one that fits - and sometimes cannot believe that they told me she didn't have a heartbeat. I wonder, should we have tried to revive her despite the fact that we knew she had a 50% chance of being stillborn? I think I know in my heart we did the right thing for her, but I can't help but wonder if we somehow could have changed it ...