Wondering

I am jealous. Pat told me today that his cousin is pregnant. Great for them, but breaks my heart. She is 24 and has been married less than a year. I want it to be me. When he told me, my first reaction was to cry. Then I thought, "will it ever be us?". But the thing is, it was us. Those first 17 weeks were awesome. We were happily pregnant, loving the fact that we could share this amazing news with everyone. We were so innocent, maybe even naive. I loved being pregnant. Those stupid "25 things you didn't know about me" on Facebook from a year ago? One of mine was I love being pregnant. Despite what I knew, despite the fact that I didn't know if Toot would live, I truly loved it. I had never felt more beautiful and I just loved having this little life inside me. I understood the miracle of it and knew how fortunate I was to be pregnant.

I want that experience again. Granted, it will never be the same. Ever. Even with this latest pregnancy, I didn't get attached or get excited. Despite the fact that I cautiously looked forward to Feb 4, 2011 (the due date), I knew too much about what could go wrong. And sure enough, it did. I hope beyond hope that we are able to get pregnant again. But I also know, I'll never be truly comfortable. I will always wonder about what might be going wrong, or if we'll actually end up with a baby that comes home with us.

The first time, I thought if we made it out of the first trimester, everything would be fine. We waited until we were 14 weeks along before we told anyone. Three weeks later, devastation (or so we thought at the time). The second time, I just held my breath and hoped and then was let down. If it happens again, I wonder if there will be a magic time when I feel okay about things. Somehow I doubt it. I will wonder if there is a lurking chromosomal abnormality that won't get picked up on ultrasound right away. I will wonder about placenta abruption and every other nightmare scenario. I'll wonder about premature birth and the after effects. Nothing will make me feel safe. And in truth, we're never safe. Even if we have a healthy baby, it means nothing. You can't take anything for granted, because you just never know ...

But I want the chance. I'll live with the fear and anxiety because I want to believe that we'll end up with a healthy baby. I want it to be me again. And I'm nervous that it never will ...