I had been spotting/bleeding since about Monday. I called to check in with the MD like they told me to and was basically just waiting. Friday morning, bleeding seemed to really increase. I was trying to be "normal" and was preparing to go out and run some errands when I figured I'd call the doctor's office. Typically, I call in, ask for the nurse's line and leave a message. Everyone there has been nothing but nice to both Pat and I. This time, however, was different. When I reached the nurse's line to leave a message, I said who I was and that I was calling in as asked to provide an update on the progress of my miscarriage. The woman on the phone paused and then said "um yeah ... this is an INFERTILITY clinic." I paused in disbelief as tears welled up in my eyes and said, "yes, I realize that. I've been there for months and calling to check in for the past two weeks". Without saying a word, she transferred me to someone else so I could leave a message for the nurse to call me back. I was stunned and pissed and amazed that anyone could so easily disregard the fact that a person was having a miscarriage.
After I left a message, I was so sad and teary that I decided to not go out. Which ended up being a very good thing. I laid on the couch and decided to watch a movie. I wasn't feeling very good, and started having some serious cramping. The nurse called back at that point, and I told her how I was feeling, etc. Things were fine. About an hour later, the pain was so bad, I threw up (only other time that's ever happened was in labor). I was doubled over in pain and so nervous, because I had no idea what was supposed to be happening. I was crying at that point and called the nurse back and she assured me this was normal and called in an Rx for Vicodin and Zofran for me. I called Pat at work and he left early to pick them up for me.
The pain had majorly decreased at this point and I went to the bathroom again, because it seemed like the only thing to do. As I peed, I passed these huge blood clots. I was scared, so picked them out of the toilet to examine them. I didn't know what to do, but was crying and just so sad. By the time Pat got home, the pain wasn't enough to need medicine. I felt physically okay. Mentally, I felt so defeated. I knew that wasn't the end of it, but at least knew what had caused the pain. The nurse had told me, if the Vicodin doesn't control the pain, go to the ER and if the pain lasts more than 24 hours, go to the ER. Luckily, that wasn't necessary.
Later that night, as I was wiping from going to the bathroom, I felt more clot that wouldn't come off on the tissue. This is so gross, but it was this huge hunk of tissue that I basically had to pull out of myself because it was stuck there. I have no idea if that was the right thing to do or not ... but I couldn't just leave it there. That seemed like the worst of it, but now I feel some pretty serious cramping again. I'm still passing clots and just passed more tissue. I have no idea if this is normal or not. I'm not doubled over in pain by any means (I'm blogging, so it clearly isn't bad), but this is how things started on Friday and I'm worried about what that means. Should I take some pain meds to stay on top of it? Or will doing that mask the symptoms?
With everything that's happened, I feel like there is a black cloud following me. I'm petrified I'm going to hemorrhage or something. Like if something can go wrong, it will. Because it's me. I'm petrified something is going to happen to Pat or Bailey. I'm just a wreck in general. Part of me says "it's just a miscarriage". The other part of me is devastated. I feel so empty and defeated. Not like when Brienna died, but empty nonetheless. And inadequate. And just sad. I see the doctor again on Wednesday and kinda wish it was tomorrow. I just wish I knew what was normal ... that I knew if this was supposed to be happening.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I thought it would be relatively pain-free. How wrong I was ... on so many levels.
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