Complete Devastation

Well, the Christmas miracle that we prayed for has sadly not come true. Our baby does indeed have Trisomy 18 :( I cannot even begin to explain how sad I am. We found out on Christmas Eve at 12:02 PM. My doctor himself called and gave me the bad news. I was alone, watching P.S. I Love You - I know, how dumb can one be, right? As soon as I hung up the phone, I just lost it. I called my mom because poor P was at work and I just didn't know how I could tell him at work. She and my dad immediately got in the car to come see me and I made the hardest phone call in the world to my husband. He came home immediately and we just cried. I kept trying to repeat to myself that falling apart is not an option, but it wasn't really working all that well. I think I was just in total disbelief. Toot looked okay on the ultrasound. None of the definining characteristics: strawberry head, clenched fists, rocker-bottom feet, esophageal atresia, omphalacele, etc. were there. Toot's little heart is hooked up correctly, with 4 chambers and the pulmonary artery in the right place. It was too early to tell if there were any septal defects, but everything looked okay. How on earth could this actually be happening?

P and I just cuddled on the couch with Miss B. She could totally tell that something was wrong and just sat there with us, quiet as a mouse (very unlike her). We eventually decided that we needed to leave the house, so went to the grocery store and spent the rest of the night baking anything we could think of to keep our minds occupied. Then we watched about 9 episodes of 24. I don't think either one of us slept much at all. My brother and his family had sent Christmas presents, and when we opened the box, there was a card that said "open before Christmas". We did, and it was a card congratulating us on being pregnant :( It almost broke my heart. It feels like we're not pregnant anymore because we're losing the child we thought we were going to have. But we are, and I am so struggling with how I feel ... I'm not sure I can even put into words what I do feel, but am hoping to write more about it later ...

I was dreading Christmas so much. Our families both changed plans, so we went to P's parents house in the morning and it was surprisingly nice. It was just the 5 of us and B, and we just kinda sat around and talked and then opened presents. P's mom had screened all the gifts from other people, but one slipped through the cracks and was a little ornament with a baby. I lost it and had to run in the bathroom and hide. P came with me and we both just held each other and cried. I told him that I didn't even want to be pregnant anymore because it just hurts too much. We eventually got through it, but it was hard. I get these panic attacks too every time we need to leave somewhere or go somewhere. My heart starts racing and I freak out and can barely breathe. The crying that goes along with it doesn't really help. Not to mention the fact that I'm still sick and stuffed up to begin with. We headed to my parents house, cried some more but then ended up having a really nice afternoon. I was literally dreading the whole day, and despite the sadness, it ended up being just fine. It was nice just being with the people that we love, and the distraction of being with other people is really helpful too. I think I made it 4 hours without crying, which totally amazed me.

P had to go into work for a little bit today, so I headed to my parents house for the morning, because I am absolutely petrified of being alone. I called my OB (it is so strange to have all these doctor's cell phone numbers) and asked him a few questions. With the diagnosis, he recommended termination of the pregnancy, but P and I just don't think we can do that. It feels like it would be the easiest thing right now, but I don't think five years from now I would agree. I don't want any regrets ... and nothing is going to make this easy. I also called Dr. C, who did our amnio. I swear, he is a gift from God. When I called, he said that he was in his office, that they were closed, but that he would be happy to meet with us that afternoon to talk further about things. It was just what I needed, and P and I practically raced over there. He's been amazing throughout this whole thing, and we only met him for the first time the day of our amnio. I've known Dr. P for 10 years, but hearing all the info from Dr. C has just been more comforting. He offered more options for us (not just termination) and that was comforting too. According to him, carrying to term should have no more effect on my body than a "normal" pregnancy would.

We asked about the possibility of our baby having mosaic Trisomy 18 versus full Trisomy 18, and he said he was curious about that as well given that the ultrasound looked okay. There's about a 2% chance of that happening, so we're not counting on it, and even if it were true, there would then be even more uncertainty ... I guess other than the FISH test being wrong (I know, that's not possible), the best we can hope for is that the baby doesn't have translocational Trisomy 18, because that would mean any future children would have T18 as well ... beyond that, I don't even know what to hope for ...