Double Digits

12: The number days in between runs.  Pathetic.  There was no real reason, either.  I could blame the heat, Crossfit, my IT band or a number of other things, but really, I just wasn't motivated enough.  The heat stresses me out because running with Pete in that weather can be dangerous for him, but there are other times of day to run. And we have a treadmill (no air conditioning, but still).

Today, I started my day with a 3.5 mile run.  Nothing crazy and I did it half-naked.  I needed music, but went Garmin/watch-less.  I just wanted to run; not to get mad at myself for being slow.  So I did.  And it felt a lot better than I thought it would. Maybe I ran 11-minute miles?  I have no idea, but the first run getting back into it is usually the hardest.  So I'm glad it's under my belt.

10: Pounds to lose.  Also pathetic.  I'd be okay with less, but I was 10+ pounds lighter after Brienna/before Pete (I was admittedly a bit too skinny, but it was all grief related). I've gained a few pounds since I stopped breastfeeding and I am pretty unhappy with my body right now.  I hate that feeling.  It goes hand-in-hand with lack of running and my diet over the last month or so has been terri.i.ble.  So I need to make some changes.


I really, really want to get motivated again. My sister's wedding is in 6 weeks.  I don't want to be the fat maid of honor.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable all night because I'm unhappy with the way I look. I don't have a ton of work to do; I'm lucky. With the right food choices, and regular running, I'll be back on track in no time.  Dorothy wrote about Jackie Warner's This is Why You're Fat (And How to Get Thin Forever) so I borrowed that from the library and am starting to put her ideas/suggestions into practice.  If I could lose 6 pounds in the next 6 weeks, I'd be ecstatic!  Having two kids has changed my weight distribution.  It goes straight to my stomach now and is soo obvious.  I legit look pregnant all the time.  I hate it.  But it's not going to go away on it's own, and again I know I don't look bad to other people.  It's more for myself than anything. I want my clothes to fit again. Maybe my body's just too different to fit into my favorite size 25 jeans.  But if I won't ever fit into them, at least I'll know that I tried everything I could.  

10: Miles I want to run by the end of the month.  I've never run the Blessing of the Fleet, and I feel like it's a Rhode Island tradition. So hopefully I'll regain my ability to run long distances and be able to run it July 27.

Infected

I hadn't been feeling so great the last few days.  I had a sore throat and just felt like I was run down.  When I woke up yesterday morning though, I really felt like crap.  So I dragged myself to the doctor's and apparently have a massive ear infection.  Go figure.  So I started on antibiotics and am slowly feeling better.  I hate being sick.  I hate that my planned runs didn't happen because I could barely lift my head off the pillow.  It makes me mad!  And I swear, the minute you take away my ability to run, it's all I want to do.

After my 8 miles on Sunday, I took it easy on Monday:

Bicep curls: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Tricep extensions: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Plank: 1:30

Bicycle situps: 50

My last run was on Tuesday morning before work.  I don't usually run before work, but I'm pretty sure that I ate no fewer than a dozen chocolate chip cookies (so much for my vacation diet) on Monday, so I figured I better.  I snuck out before P left for work, so it was just B and I and it was a great run.  My throat was hurting and occasionally felt like it was closing (allergies? ear infection?) so I walked for a bit at one point, but still finished strong and maintained a fast (for me) pace.  I love seeing that!  

I like seeing 8:36 :)

When I got home, I stretched and foam rolled then did 25 pushups, 25 tricep dips, planked for 1:00 and did 50 bicycle sit ups.  A good way to start the day.

Now I'm in rest and recovery mode.  I have to work all weekend - BOO - and doubt I'll get in any runs since I have to be there at 7AM, but we'll see.  

I'm hoping next week is a better week!

Mother's Day

I had a great day yesterday.  I woke up to Pete in a great mood.  He was standing in his crib, handed me a toy and said thank you ("gak goo") with a huge smile on his face.  I nursed him, he fell back asleep and I went for an 8 mile run with Bailey.  When I got home, I noticed that one single bud on Brienna's rose bush had bloomed.  Like she was wishing me Happy Mother's Day.  It was probably the most perfect way to start my day.  

so pretty.

After a visit with P's parents and grandmother, we headed to my parents house.  We stopped at the cemetery to visit with Brienna.  It was such a gorgeous afternoon.  The sun was shining, there was a soft breeze and the cemetery felt especially peaceful.  P took some pictures of me with my kids, and I love them.  I worried that it was a bit creepy, but decided that even if it was, I didn't care.  

love them.  both.

All I wanted for yesterday was to be with both my kids.  I got to do just that, so it was a happy day indeed!

Thoughtful Thursday

NILMDTS has recently started sending a monthly newsletter.  I like reading it because the organization was founded by a mom who lost her son.  So she gets it.  This month's newsletter was about Mother's Day and the floodgates opened when I started ... thinking.  Sometimes I think I carry this tension and weight that I don't even realize is there until I start sobbing and then it goes away.  The newsletter included this poem that I've seen before, but still makes me so sad.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him Say...

I just had a baby, this I know is true, but God can you be a mother when 

your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, with confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. 

And some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. 

He took a deep breath, cleared His throat and then I saw His tears...

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and hear him say...

"I went to earth to learn a lesson of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mommy who has so much love for me. 

I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy so very much, and I visit her every day. 

When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and I whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad, I'm your baby and I am here."

So, you see my dear sweet one, your baby is not sad nor blue. 

Your baby is here in My Home, and at Heaven's Gate he will wait for you.

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother 

until their time is done, 

they'll be up here with Me one day 

and know you were the best one!

I ache for Brienna.  As I sit here sobbing, my heart literally hurts.  I will forever have a baby missing.  Sometimes I don't think people realize that.  I carried Brienna just as long as I carried Pete. I fell in love with her despite knowing that she wouldn't be here very long.  And it hurts to know that she is gone.  Most days, I walk very steadily in my shoes.  But some days, I'm prone to tripping and others, I fall flat on my face.  The difference between then and now is that now, I can get back up and continue walking.  When Brienna first died, I was down and out for the count.  Now, I stumble and may fall, but I continue on.  I miss Brienna.  Mother's Day is a happy day, but for me, it's also sad.  The one thing I want to do is visit the cemetery and spend some time with my daughter.  I want to sit on her bench and bask in the sunshine and talk to her.  I don't want to feel rushed, I just want to be with her.  She is always with me in my heart, but the cemetery is her special place.

This time of year is always hard.  Her birthday is approaching and I can still vividly recall almost every detail of that day.  I hope I always can.  It's the one day each year that is devoted to her, and I want to celebrate her.  She made a difference.  Not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people.  And I miss her so much.

Brienna Marie,
I love you sweet girl.
Always.  Forever.
Love,
Mom

Providence Half Marathon

A new PR for me!!  I wasn't sure what this race was going to look like for me.  I felt like crap all week and didn't run.  I went to bed late last night, and Pete was up at 4AM, so I tried to tell myself that it was just a fun run, and that finishing would make me happy.  However, I am soo competitive with myself.  I knew I'd ultimately be disappointed with anything other than a PR.  At the start of the race, I compromised and said that breaking two hours again would be enough.

The race started at 8AM.  The weather was pretty good and I just started running.  I forgot how much I hate the beginning of races - it's so congested!  I felt like I was running at a decent pace, but was nervous that I was going out too fast.  I tried not to get caught up in other runners' races.  I kept reminding myself that I was running for me.

I didn't look at my Garmin until mile 4, when I saw I was running an average 9:02 pace.  I knew then that I really wanted to try and PR.  I saw Pat and Pete at a little over 4 miles and was so excited!  I didn't expect to see them until the finish line so it was a huge mental boost.  I felt good running.  I really felt like I was pushing myself though I was petrified of hitting the wall.  I kept glancing at my Garmin and kept seeing sub 9:00/miles.  I was pretty excited and became more and more determined to PR.  I saw Pat and Pete again at 8ish miles and was all smiles.

I was expecting to feel tired at mile 10, and was thrilled when I felt pretty good.  I had some water at mile 11.5ish, drank some Gatorade and tried to push it. At mile 12, it was all or nothing so I tried to make those legs move just a bit faster.  I was exhausted by the end.  I crossed the finish line, smiled and told Pat I'd need a nap!  

SO ridiculously happy!!!!

My legs were sore almost immediately post race.  They feel much better now after stretching and foam rolling (and a nap) and I am still flying high.  Every time I started to doubt myself, I reminded myself that I trained for this.  That I'd run 10 miles just last week and that I could run this race strong.  I was so proud of my body and legs for carrying me, but I was pretty proud of my brain too for not giving in to either fatigue or doubts.

Seeing this guy at the end will remain the best part ever though!!

My little cheerleader.  Love him.

UPDATE: the official results are a 1:57:15 - an 8:57 pace.  I definitely felt like I was running an 8:47, haha.  Either way, I am very happy and now I want to run a sub 1:55 half :)

A Baby No More

My little buddy turned one yesterday.  I cannot believe it.  It seems like he was just born.  I was surprised (not really) by how emotional I was.  It's crazy to think of all that a baby goes through in one year's time.  And all that a mama goes through too!

I truly didn't think I could ever feel this happy again. I thought that genuine happiness was a thing of the past, that it just wasn't in the cards for me.  My heart was so heavy and broken, I couldn't fathom that it would ever not be that way.  But then my little boy was born and I fell head over heels in love with him.  Despite all my anxiety and fear about losing him too, love won.  He makes me feel like I am alive again.  That life is good.  He makes me smile and laugh and I cannot imagine my life without him.  He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Pete hugs are my favorite thing.

Monday Motivation

I somehow managed to run my fastest post-Pete stroller run today! In the wind. I was a little pissed off frustrated to start the run and I'm not sure if maybe that's why?  I wanted to run on a bike path near my house, since the same old stroller route gets boring.  The parking area was so sketchy and I drove past it debating whether or not to park and run.  I called P and told him where my car was in case I got murdered.  While we were on the phone, he found me an alternative parking area, which was much less sketchy!  I was so irritated though because sometimes it seems like my efforts to run get sabotaged.  So anyway, I parked (safely) got the three of us ready, and headed out.  I think I looked like a complete rookie.  B's leash was getting caught, Pete was fussy and it just seemed like perhaps my running attempt was going to be a big fail.

It was windy out, but I felt like I was moving.  Like I was actually running, rather than just jogging.  I forgot my Garmin (another reason for the frustration) so I was using the RunKeeper app on my phone, which was not as readily accessible.  Anyway, I felt like I was moving, but that the wind was at my back and I figured I'd be screwed on the way back to my car.  The first two miles kinda flew by and again, I felt like I was going along at a pretty good clip.  When I turned around at the halfway point, I spotted this guy in front of me.  I guess I was being competitive because I decided I should pass him.  And I did.  And then I tried to maintain my pace, so he didn't then pass me!  Whatever it was, the running gods aligned and I had a great run.  I was sweaty, felt it the entire time, but also enjoyed the challenge.  Most of my runs are slow, steady and "easy" and today just felt different.  When I looked at my splits, I saw that it was!

5.0 miles in 44:25.  8:52 pace.   YAY!
My first thought was that the app must have lost
satellite connection at some point.  But based on
how I felt, I'm going to assume it was accurate.
Also, I've never questioned it before.  So why start now?

I was so happy.  I needed a good, motivating run.  I've been feeling very frustrated with how my body looks these days.  Pete is almost one; I no longer have the "I just had a baby" excuse.  I know I don't look bad.  Most days, I'm fine with how I look.  But I'm still a good 5-7 pounds away from where I want to be. And my favorite skinny jeans don't fit.  I donated them to my sister this weekend because I'm not sure they ever will (though as she knows, it's temporary ownership for now!)  My hips are just wider than used to be.  Could it be the almost 10 pound baby?  And I'm okay with all that.  But I'd like the muffin top to be smaller and I'd like to be more tone.  We're going away in less than two months, so I'm really hoping that I can drop a few pounds by then.  And if not, that's okay too.

While I was running, I passed a man walking.  I passed him again on my way back to the car, and he said, your dog's getting tired!  He was right, she was.  And then when I finished running, a older guy said to me, "Good job!"  And he's right.  I did it.  And that feels good.  Running makes me feel strong and proud, and at the end of the day, that is worth way more than a number on the scale.

Love my running buddies!