Hi Toot,

My little June bug! I never thought I'd end up with a June baby, yet here it is, June 1! Where did the time go?!

So my sweet Toot ... today is the day the doctors are going to start the process of inducing labor. I had so hoped you'd decide on your own that you were ready to come out, but that's okay ... it just proves you're our baby - stubborn like your mom and late like your dad :) Just know that if I could, I would keep you with me forever. I feel like I am kicking you out of your cozy, safe home, and I'm sorry for that. I would love to keep you with me, but the doctors aren't giving me much of a choice ... my brain knows that they are probably right, but my heart feels heavy ...

I feel like there is so much to say to you today, yet I don't know where to begin. You've been kicking like crazy all weekend and it never fails to make me smile! You've been such a joy to me and your dad these last forty weeks Toot. We love you so much. You are truly an inspiration and not just to me. To everyone that knows about you. Your dad and I feel so lucky to have been chosen as your parents. You have been such a gift and I can only hope that we get a little more time with you ... we are so excited to finally meet you!!

I have to thank you Toot. You have truly given me the strength to muddle through this journey. You give me purpose in life, you make me get out of bed every day and you have truly made me a different (and I hope better) person. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done. You've changed me and I love you for it.

If I'm being truly honest, I fear myself without you. I fear the emptiness of knowing you're not in my belly anymore. I fear that without you, I won't know who I am or what my purpose is. I fear that if we have to say goodbye, it will break me. I fear that you won't know how much I love you, or that I would have done anything to take this away for you ... and I'm sorry for all the tears today sweet girl. Please don't think I'm sad to meet you, trust me, I have been waiting for this day my whole life. You're my daughter! And I long to hear your sweet little cry and I long to hold you and rock you and show you just how much you are loved ... so the tears are tears of love, tears of fear and tears of uncertainty. And I cannot seem to stop them!

I love you Toot. It doesn't seem adequate enough, but I do. And if I have to fit an entire lifetime's worth of love into just a few moments, so be it. But know that I truly love you with all my heart. That carrying you has been the most wonderful gift and that a piece of you will forever be with me. Always.

I love you.

Love always,
Mom

P.S. Rabbits Rabbits! Binkie says that on the first of every month, and it's supposed to bring good luck, so it's tradition in our family to say it to everyone on the first of the month, every month ... so Rabbits Rabbits my sweet girl!!

Terrified

I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say I am terrified. I was so hoping that Toot would arrive on her own, but it appears that is not going to happen! She has a couple more hours, but it doesn't look likely. I feel like I am kicking her out of her safe, cozy home and I hate it. My brain knows that I don't have a choice, but my heart feels heavy. I want to let her stay forever ... she is safe, warm, cozy and alive and is now about to be forced to leave. I'm terrified. Terrified to be in the hospital. Terrified to be outside of my comfort zone. Terrified to give birth. Terrified of the uncertainty. Terrified that she might be born still. Terrified that I won't get to meet her alive. Terrified of saying goodbye ... Yet at the same time that I am scared out of my mind, I'm so excited to meet her. I dream about her every night and I just can't wait to hold her. I can't believe we're at this point ... I really can't. I've tried every trick in the book to try and induce labor, but nothing has worked ...

I am so not looking forward to not being pregnant. I can't imagine how empty I'm going to feel. Every time I get scared or sad, Toot gives me a little kick, like "it's okay Mom, I'm here and safe and sound" ... and in a few days or less, that won't be the case anymore. She has given me the strength to get through this, and I have no idea how to do it on my own ... she's given me purpose each and every day for the last forty plus weeks.

Due Date #2

May 28 ... our second due date. I am somewhat baffled that we are here. I thought ten days was an eternity but it flew by. Time is both moving much too quickly and standing still. It is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I want Toot to come on her own terms, which would mean this weekend. Yet at the same time, I wish I could stop the clock and just keep her inside me forever. It is comforting to me that she is cozy enough to want to stay. It makes me tear up just thinking about her having to leave her little cocoon ... she is alive and safe now! Leaving puts her in too much jeopardy and I just want to keep her safe. Isn't that all any mother wants? I want her with me forever and I know that is not possible, but it's breaking my heart to think of what may come to be in a few days ... I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and am actually having an okay day, but I am just not ready for this. I love my little girl so much, it physically hurts. I wish I could put into words how much I love her and how much I don't want to ever say goodbye. But I can't. So rather than dwell on what I cannot control, I have to think positive. I have to hope with every fiber of my being that she comes out alive. I have to pray that we get a little extra time with her. And I have to remember that no matter what, I've had the most amazing forty weeks of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but this little girl is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given ...

Time ...

It is getting harder and harder for me to wrap my head around the fact that in one week (or less), I will be giving birth. We had our last prenatal appointment today and if Toot doesn't arrive this week, we'll be induced Tuesday, June 2. We go in Monday night at 7PM, where they'll try and ripen my cervix with Cervidil ... if it works enough, we'll go to labor and delivery at some point Tuesday. WHOA. I still so want Toot to come on her own, but I am only 1 cm dialted and not really having any contractions. I thought maybe this weekend I was, but nothing consistent and nothing painful enough to stop me in my tracks, which everyone tells me will happen. The doctor tried to strip my membranes (gross, I know) but I wasn't dilated enough so she didn't get very far ... I'm hoping that maybe it will still be enough to get things going ...

While on the one hand I want Toot to come before June 2, it is so strange to think that our time with this precious little being is so limited ... I feel selfish because I've already been given so much more than I deserve ... but the problem with time is that the more I have with her, the more I want. I want to hear her cry, I want to hear her heartbeat on the outside of my belly, I want to see her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. I want to look into her eyes, I want to feed her, change her poopy diaper and dress her in the adorable clothes she has waiting upstairs for her ... I want to love her and cuddle her and touch her chubby little cheeks and bare bottom ... I want to be utterly exhausted and sleep deprived from 2AM feedings ... I want to be a harried, disheveled first time mom trying to get it together and it doesn't feel like that is much to ask, but with T18, it very well might be ...

How to Help a Grieving Friend

I came across two more blogs today of moms with T18 babies. One family has a three-week old who wasn't diagnosed until birth; the other lost their baby at 28 weeks ... both blogs are enlightening, and in one of them, I came across a list for how to help your grieving friend.

Molly Piper

he post is all about how to help your grieving friend and was great. There are certain things that I personally wouldn't like (people making me dinner or cleaning my house) but it really gives insight into

Induction Day

We had an appointment this week and my doctor brought up the dreaded topic of induction. I've always maintained that I want Toot to come on her terms, and my doctor has said I wouldn't be able to go past forty weeks (they use May 28 as my due date, when I'm 99.9% positive it's really May 18). Anyway, she brought it up and I politely asked if we could just talk about it next week. She didn't think that was such a good idea but said that even though I'm forty weeks on May 28, she'll let me go the weekend and if Toot doesn't arrive on her own, June 1 will be the day. I actually felt such a sense of relief because P and I didn't have to make the decision ... we're not left with any choice, and I can feel comfortable knowing that we gave Toot the best chance we could to come on her terms. I had thought the conversation would leave me feeling horrible and sad, but getting to wait until June 1 was our best case scenario ... I can't believe that in less than two weeks we'll meet our little girl!! I still hope she comes on her terms, but if not, that's okay too. At this point, we're keeping the June 1 date to ourselves (Kris and Sarah - please don't say anything to anyone!!) because I'm feeling more and more private about Toot with each passing day and just want to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy as much as I can ... and for whatever reason, I'm best able to do that when I'm not talking about it (with anyone other than P) ... we're using this time as a family for us and as selfish as that might be, I'm actually totally okay with it. There are times when I'm totally open to talking about it and others when I just don't. It's just strange, but I'm fine with it (which might be even stranger!)

In NTR (not Toot related) news, I'm feeling badly about how I treated my best friend in the world the other day. She called me with some pretty good news about her love life and rather than be happy and supportive and excited for/with her, I rained on her parade by being an overly cautious older sister. I could feel myself doing it, but didn't know how to stop. I gave her all sorts of advice that she doesn't need and rather than just let her glow in the good news, I pointed out all the negatives. Not because I'm not happy for her, but because I so worry about her getting hurt ... I am happy for her and hope that I can be more supportive in the future. And next time I'm preachy and annoying, I apologize in advance :)

Due Date

May 18, 2009.

The day that I've been thinking about since September 15, when we first found out we were pregnant. That this day is actually here baffles me. It amazes me that Toot has made it this far, yet terrifies me that our time with her is coming to a possible end. She has defied the odds, yet has so still has so much more to overcome. Today was such a weird day. I worked, which was a good thing, but all day people kept asking me when I was due and I would say, today. (Which FYI is not a good idea when you're taking care of someone's loved one. They instantly think you're going into labor immediately and get a panicked look on their face. Tomorrow, I'm going to change my answer to something a little more vague). All along, I've known that Toot could come at any time. Yet knowing that today is her day makes it that much more real. And reinforces the fact that I am so not prepared ... I'm not prepared to be in labor, I'm not prepared to give birth, and I'm certainly not prepared to say goodbye to the sweet little girl that has lived under my heart for the last nine months ...

Work kicked my ass today, not to mention that I'm a bit emotionally drained and I don't have the energy to write much more ... but wanted to acknowledge Toot's day. It will forever be her day in my heart. And I can't believe it's almost over ...