Scattered thoughts ...

It has again been too long since I've posted anything! I need to get better at this :) It's been kind of a whirlwind the last few weeks and it doesn't seem like things are slowing down anytime soon. I can't tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing ...

We met with our new MFM doctor last week, which was fine. I miss the familiarity of my old office, but know that it's much better to deliver at W&I, because if Toot is doing okay, this is the place she needs to be. Our MD is nice enough, but basically said that if we don't deliver by 39 weeks, I'd need to be induced. She'd be willing to let me get to 40 weeks, but anything beyond that is just a waiting game for preeclampsia ... I am not thrilled about that, because I really and truly do not want to have to make a decision about induction. That being said, if we do have to be induced, part of me wonders if I want to be induced on the 18th since that is the due date in my heart and that way it would always and forever be Toot's ... mostly, I'm just praying that Toot has her own agenda. I feel like it's a lot to ask a little girl, but I really hope she comes when she is ready and that we're not forced to choose the date ... how do you choose the day your baby might die? It's just not something I think I can do ... She also said that we wouldn't have any more ultrasounds, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either. I love looking at Toot and want to know how she is progressing ... I understand we're not going to have weekly looks, but I think one more before she is born isn't too much to ask, is it?

The biggest thing on my mind lately has been saying goodbye ... I feel so morbid talking about it, but it's just our reality and one of the things that I lay awake at night thinking about ... It hurts when I do think about it, but I just can't seem to stop ... we have some big decisions to make in the coming weeks. I think I've mentioned this before, but my husband and I don't live in a place where we are planning on staying. Within the next three years, we plan on moving out of state back to MA (most likely closer to my parents). Because of that, I don't want to bury Toot here. But, I don't want to bury her in MA either, because I have no idea where we'll end up ... and I don't want her that far away during the next few years. Pat and I have been talking a lot about cremation (something I never thought we'd even consider), but I just found out that the Catholic church doesn't believe in cremation and therefore we wouldn't be able to have a true funeral for Toot. I want to have a funeral for Toot and I think she deserves to have that ... but I also can't bear the thought of having her far away ... yet at the same time, I envisioned her being laid to rest with a blanket and rosary beads and surrounded by all the things she's been given along this journey, which wouldn't happen if we chose cremation. Yet again, how do I choose the outfit to bury my daughter in? I feel so conflicted so much of the time, I just don't know how to make the right decision. If we choose cremation, Toot could be with us until we settle into a place we're going to be for the foreseeable future and we can eventually bury her with us, wherever we choose to be buried. That feels like the best option for us right now, but I feel like I change my mind every day ... I want to have things in place now though, because I know I don't want to do this when the time comes for us to be rushing to the hospital!

It is so strange to think of where we are now, compared to where we were a few months ago. I never thought I could have this conversation, yet here we are, discussing it like it's almost normal ... ugh.

Speaking of normal, we have so much going on the next few weeks. Easter weekend was crazy because my brother and his family were in town (more on that in another post hopefully) and this weekend we start demolition on our kitchen. Probably not the best timing in the world, but we're redoing our kitchen next week and I can't wait. It will certainly be stressful, but our current kitchen is hideous and it will be so nice to have a new one!! The following weekend I am working and hosting a bridal shower, then we have a weekend off and then it's Mother's Day (I'm working) and then I have a bachelorette party for my best friend. Then it's May 18. We have SO much going on, which in one sense is good because I still love distractions. But on our weekend "off", (May 1-3), I think we might try and go away. I feel like we just need a quiet weekend for a little family vacation ... I have this vision of Pat, Toot, B and I walking on the beach and just savoring our time together ... it makes me sad to think it might be one of our last weekends with Toot, but I think it would be nice to get away just the three of us ...

2 lb 10z Toot!

I am so bad at posting sometimes! I truly have the best intentions and then sometimes just can't bring myself to write because I feel sad, or I'm exhausted after work ... regardless, I feel badly that it's been so long! We had another ultrasound on Friday, and this is going to sound horrible, but it was somewhat of a letdown after the 4D scan! It was the first time I didn't cry, which took me by surprise, and it just wasn't the same in 2D as it was in 4D ... my aunt said she would do another scan for us and I am definitely going to take her up on that because it's so awesome to see Toot in such detail! I think I got spoiled :)

Despite the slight letdown of not seeing her in such detail, it was of course, great to see her. She's measuring about 3 weeks behind still, which is where she was at our last ultrasound at 24 weeks. So, in my mind, that is kind of a good thing. They calculated her weight at 2 lbs 10 oz, which only puts her in the 5th percentile for weight, but seems so big to me! Our due date is May 18 by my LMP, but after looking back at our ultrasounds, they're estimating that she's due closer to May 28. That 10 extra days seems like an eternity!! We're still going with a May 18 due date (that will forever be the due date in our hearts), but I'm preparing myself for Miss Toot to hang around a little while longer (which I am totally okay with. I think I'd be pregnant forever if it meant that she could be with me safe, warm and cozy in my belly). It's weird because on one hand, eight weeks feels like nothing, but the other, it feels like forever! Only time will tell, I suppose - it seems like that's the story of my life right now!

Lift

I don't really have all that much to say, but have had a great week and felt like blogging! Seeing Toot last weekend really gave me a lift; I had no idea how much I needed it ... I feel such a renewed sense of energy to get through the next nine weeks. I know we have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm starting to feel more excited than anything. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, because it feels like false hope, but regardless, I'm excited to meet my daughter.  And that feels really good.

Beautiful Baby

Yesterday, we were treated to a 4D ultrasound of our precious little Toot and it made my weekend! My aunt works for GE (she used to be an ultrasound tech but now does sales) so she borrowed a portable ultrasound machine, came to our house and set up shop. It was awesome. We were able to stare at our little girl for hours. I loved every minute of it. It's amazing the detail that 4D provides. I feel like we know her so much better getting to see her just hanging out, dancing, stretching and sleeping. We got tons of pictures, and were able to record her heartbeat, a sound that I just can't get enough of. It was such a different experience from being at the doctor's where they're measuring her growth and looking for things that are wrong. We just got to look at her: her little feet tucked up in my ribs, her cute little bottom, her muscular little arms, her button nose and chubby little cheeks.


It was an amazing day, for both P and I. It's always a little sad at first to see her and know that things won't turn out as we hoped they would; she looks perfect to us. And poor P. I looked over at him at one point (he didn't know I was watching him) and a really cute image of Toot popped up on the screen. He looked at her, made this "oh" sound and just kinda stuck his bottom lip out to pout for a minute and then blew her the littlest kiss. It was adorable, but broke my heart. He is such a good dad to her, and such a good husband to me. We talked about it later and he said that he just wishes he could fix things, in his words "it's what I do; I fix everything". And he does, it is so him to take control, fix what needs to be fixed and save the day ... he's been doing it for me for years. I wish he didn't feel so helpless ... And neither one of us wishes we could fix Toot, because she isn't broken. This is just who she is, and I love her all that much more because of it. I just that we wish we could give her more of a chance at life. We're doing everything we know how, and I hope that she gets a chance to show everyone just how strong she is ... she's defied the odds and how can I not be ridiculously proud of her for that?

Seeing her totally reenergized me and I have a reneweed sense of hope and strength for the next 10 weeks. I fell asleep last night feeling so calm and at peace. I am beyond grateful to my aunt for giving us that gift ...

Academy Award

I think I must be a good actress. Everyone keeps telling me how strong, brave and tough I am. That I seem to be holding up remarkably well. One of the girls at work even commented that I always seem so happy. I just laughed and kept moving. I think if people could see behind closed doors, they'd feel a little differently. If they could see into my heart, they'd know that it feels like it's literally breaking, one piece at a time. I try and put on a good front, I really do. But today is just one of those days where I am not strong. I cannot seem to stop crying and feeling sad and thinking about a future without Toot. I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. I have zero motivation. I don't have the motivation to cook dinner, put away the dishes in the dishwasher or take Bailey for a walk. I just don't have it in me today. I feel like the tears should dry up at some point, but they just won't stop flowing. And it scares me because I tend to think that now is the easy part. Toot is safe and warm in belly and I can touch her and talk to her and tell her I love her and feel her kick and know she is okay. What happens when she's gone? When everyone else moves on, yet you're feeling empty and alone? What then? This is so not fair and as much as I try not to wish things were different, today I do. I love Toot just the way she is, but I just wish I was 30 weeks pregnant and none the wiser to the pain and agony of dealing with this. Because sometimes it just feels like it hurts too much ...

Uncertainty yields Hope

Throughout this entire journey, one of the things I've had a hard time wrapping my head around is the uncertainty of what's to come. How long will Toot be safe in my belly? Will she make it 40 weeks? And even if she does, will she be stillborn? Or will she be alive? If she's alive, how long will we have with her? Will she get to come home with us? Or will we leave the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted? It's tough to plan (and I am a such a planner) and it's tough to think of the future when there is just no guarantee ...

Over the last few days, I was having a really hard time with the uncertainty when I realized that without the uncertainty, there wouldn't be hope. If I knew for sure that Toot was going to die at 36 weeks, or that she would be stillborn or that we'd have just 8 minutes with her, I'd dread it. I'd dread knowing that I know the exact moment we'd lose her. Don't get me wrong, I am surely dreading the unknown, not to mention the fact that we most surely will lose her (at some point), but at the same time, because of the unknown, we have hope. Hope that things might turn out better than we expect. Hope that we will get to meet our little girl and stare into her eyes and tell her we love her. And hope that she'll get to come home with us.

Hope is so powerful and it's fluid. We got pregnant and hoped our baby would be healthy. We found out she wasn't, and we hoped that God would do what's best for her. We hope that she doesn't suffer and we hope that she just knows only our love and no pain. Without hope, I truly have no idea where I'd be right now ... so today, I am beyond thankful for the power of hope.

Bright Spots on a Dark Day

Thursday was one of my worst days in awhile. I felt despondent, overwhelmed and so sad that I couldn't stop crying all day. I had the day off, which is never good! Work keeps me focused and busy, and is the best distraction I could ask for right now. Anyway, even though the day sucked, there were two bright spots and I figured, rather than dwell on the sadness, I might as well talk about the good things!

I found Shannon's blog via the T18 site and have been addicted ever since! She is an amazing person, with a beautiful family. Her little Owen passed away in October, and her strength and dignity at how she's dealing with this are truly inspirational to me. I can only hope that I am mucking my way through this with half her grace ...

I received a care package from Shannon which touched me so much. In it was an outfit for Toot, a beautiful CD and the most adorable bracelets I've ever seen. Since we don't have an official name for Miss Toot yet, Shannon made me two bracelets, one for each of the names on our short list! (Kris, don't tell anyone!) Here's a picture of the bracelets:

It's the first outfit Toot has received, and of course the entire package made me cry. The kindness of a relative stranger just totally overwhelmed me and as my husband said when I showed him everything, there really are good people in this world. This is not a fun journey, let me tell you. But the fact that there are other people out there going through it and surviving and willing to help you survive just amazes and I cannot thank Shannon enough! I had been so afraid to buy anything for Toot, but now that she has her first adorably cute item of clothing, I think I might have the courage to add a few things to her wardrobe!

The other bright spot came when we met with an MFM specialist/geneticist at Women and Infant's. She was amazing and easily one of the most compassionate doctors I've ever met. She answered all our questions, told us more about delivering at W&I, and at the end of the appointment, said she would love to be our doctor. I've been so nervous about where to deliver, but Dr. O said she'll set us up with a tour of the NICU, a meeting with a neonatologist and would basically do anything else we needed. She gave us her cell phone number and said to call her anytime with any question we can think of. She was awesome and I think our decision is made.

I truly believe that every kindness we encounter is a small gift from God. Without them, this journey would be unbearable ...