Not So Good

So last week's goals were not accomplished.  Like not even a little bit.  I shouldn't make excuses, but I'm going to anyway.  I ran on Tuesday 2.71 miles in 26:59 - my first sub-10:00 min/mile post Pete run!!!  But then I ended up working Tuesday night 11P-3A, which threw my whole Wednesday off.  I worked on 16+ hours on Thursday from 11A-3A, which threw my Friday off.  And then I worked 7A-7P both Saturday and Sunday.  So my weekend was shot.  I'm trying to figure out how I can get up before the 7AM shifts and run, but with feeding Pete and/or pumping, I'd have to get up at 4:45 and working 12 hours on my feet is long.  But I need to figure something out.

I ran 3 miles today, my fastest yet!  I was pretty happy.  I did it in 28:54, a 9:38 pace.  Pete is out of his car seat carrier in the stroller, so I think that has helped my pace considerably.  Though the last .2 miles I was struggling.  I might have gone a bit too fast for me right now, but it felt good for the most part.

I've decided that paying for Weight Watchers is stupid.  It's $17/month, which isn't a lot, but it's an unnecessary expense.  And I didn't really care for their new PointsPlus system.  So, I'll use myfitnesspal instead.  It's free and so easy.  I had used it when I was pregnant because they have a gain weight option, but it didn't last, haha.  So hopefully this time will be better.  I basically know what I need to do and it involves more exercise!  And not eating my body weight in peanut M&Ms :)

MOVEmber

It is time to start getting serious about losing this baby weight. The last few weeks months, I've pretty much given myself a free pass to eat whatever I want. Not good. I weighed myself today, and I weigh the exact same as a week after Pete was born. It's not even that bad of a number, but it's a significant amount higher than where I want to be! And I want my skinny jeans to look good. I can wear them, but they don't look very good.

Pete is six months old now, which means he is no longer exclusively breastfed. He started on solids last week, so it seems like a good time to start my Weight Watchers journey. I used WW before I got married in 2007 and it worked amazingly well. I lost about 20 pounds and was so proud of myself. After Brienna was born, Pat had to force me remind me to eat every day, so the pounds kind of melted off. I was also running more than I ever had before, and all that combined to get me to the skinniest I think I'd ever been. If I'm being totally honest, I was probably a bit too skinny. So for now, I'd like to lose 6-8 pounds. And more importantly, I want to exercise - regularly.

So my goal for this week is to stick to the WW plan and exercise at least three times. I also need to drink more water. Wish me luck!

Halloween

Last year, I wrote this poem for Brienna:

In my head I wonder about what you would be.

A tiger? A princess? The world's cutest monkey?

Your dad and I discuss it, he's the only one who knows.

What it's like to imagine but never get to know.

I ooh and I ahh at all the other kids,

but inside my heart is breaking for what shouldn't be, is.

It will never be the same for us, it really isn't fair.

You are up in Heaven, while I am stuck down here.

I miss you sweet Brienna,

I see you only in my dreams.

I love you baby girl.

And so tonight I whisper, Happy Halloween.

And this year, though I miss her more than words can ever describe, I'm smiling because of my little man:

How can I not? He's so darn adorable!

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

L.O.V.E.

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

Update

The last time I posted, I was awaiting a miscarriage. It happened. The physical pain was way worse than I thought it would be, mostly because I didn't know if it was normal. I was curled up on the bathroom floor, puking and just miserable. I called the doctor's office crying and they called in pain medications for me. Pat left work early and brought them home for me, but the worst of it was over by that point. So I used them to dull the mental pain.

We decided to take a break from the whole trying to get pregnant thing. We were just plain worn out. About six weeks after the miscarriage, I still hadn't gotten my period. I had been spotting and spotting and just waiting for it to come, but it never did. So on Friday August 20, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. So I went out and bought 5 more. All positive.

I called the MD office on Monday and they scheduled me for blood work. My beta was really high, so they scheduled an ultrasound. I was seven weeks pregnant. Go figure. We had about 6 ultrasounds and everything was normal. So at 12 weeks, I graduated from the RE to my OB.

My AFP was abnormal (which is apparently normal after having a T18 baby) so I had a level II ultrasound and everything looked great. I tried my best to relax and enjoy, but it was hard. I was so afraid to get attached. But it was too late, I was already in love. We opted to keep gender a surprise and settled in for a hopefully normal pregnancy.

Fast forward to April 26, 2011. I'm 6 days overdue and scheduled to be induced the next day. But our munchkin had other plans. I wake up and just feel different. Lots of Braxton-Hicks, and figure I shouldn't make plans. Pat asks before leaving for work if he should pack a bag. I say yes, just in case.

11:30 - call the doctor, tell them contractions are 11 minutes apart.

12:30 - no progress. Decide to get a manicure, pedicure and have eyebrows threaded.

2:45 - talk to Pat. He says he's going to leave work early, I tell him not to bother, since contractions are only 8 minutes apart.

3:15 - contractions 5 minutes apart. Text Pat, might be a good idea to leave early.

3:30 - call MD, they say head to hospital.  Call Pat. COME HOME NOW.

4:00 - leave for hospital in rush hour traffic. Contractions are 3 minutes apart. Arrive at hospital by 5. They take one look at me and say, oh dear. Go right upstairs and find out in full blown labor.  Admitted.

6:30 - glorious, glorious epidural.

7:00 - MD says I'll have a baby tonight.

8:30 - MD says let's do some practice pushes.

8:37 - MD says he's going to get gloves on and that whatever I do, don't push!

8:38 - One final push and the munchkin arrives!!!!

Pat says "It's a boy!" and I think to myself, oh my god. He's huge. Turns out he's 9 lbs. 14 oz!! I just laugh. And then cry my eyes out.

I am totally in love with him. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him for about 6 months and I loved every minute of it.

He is such a fun, cute little man and makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

Blast from the Past

It's been 19 months and 1 day since Brienna died. Really? How is that possible? I have no idea. I've been so sad and emotional lately. Everything with this pregnancy reminds me of Brienna and I love it, but get sad at the same time. On Saturday, I wore maternity jeans for the first time since June 2, 2009. It felt so weird. I am carrying so differently with this baby and just can't get away with what I did with Brienna. She was so good to me. I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable, nothing looks good and I just am blah. I don't think it was like that with Brienna ... I remember being uncomfortable right around this time, but it went away. I feel like now, if I eat more than the tiniest bit, I have heartburn and feel like crap. Yet I'm starving and eating everything in sight. I've gained more weight already, and feel like I look huge. And yet none of it matters. I just want to bring this baby home ... I want to hear he/she cry and I worry about it at the same time. SIGH.