Due Date

May 18, 2009.

The day that I've been thinking about since September 15, when we first found out we were pregnant. That this day is actually here baffles me. It amazes me that Toot has made it this far, yet terrifies me that our time with her is coming to a possible end. She has defied the odds, yet has so still has so much more to overcome. Today was such a weird day. I worked, which was a good thing, but all day people kept asking me when I was due and I would say, today. (Which FYI is not a good idea when you're taking care of someone's loved one. They instantly think you're going into labor immediately and get a panicked look on their face. Tomorrow, I'm going to change my answer to something a little more vague). All along, I've known that Toot could come at any time. Yet knowing that today is her day makes it that much more real. And reinforces the fact that I am so not prepared ... I'm not prepared to be in labor, I'm not prepared to give birth, and I'm certainly not prepared to say goodbye to the sweet little girl that has lived under my heart for the last nine months ...

Work kicked my ass today, not to mention that I'm a bit emotionally drained and I don't have the energy to write much more ... but wanted to acknowledge Toot's day. It will forever be her day in my heart. And I can't believe it's almost over ...

Not so blah!

Sorry for the depressing post on Monday ... I am feeling much better today, thank goodness. I think working nights really takes a toll on me that I don't quite appreciate until I'm down in the dumps and supremely emotional. I just don't sleep well and that has to be a huge contributing factor to the sadness ... but, nights are done for now ... poor P asked that I try not to work anymore for awhile because he hates seeing me like that. I'm back to days next week and definitely looking forward to it!

Today was supposed to be our 4D ultrasound with Miss Toot, but unfortunately, the portable machine wasn't shipped, so we're going to have to wait just a bit longer! Hopefully it will happen this weekend or early next week ... I am bummed it won't happen today, but know how lucky we are that it will happen at all ... and I am so looking forward to seeing sweet Toot's face!! I am still baffled that she has hair and I can't wait to look at it and look at her and see her dance ... it makes me smile just thinking about it!!

One of the things on Monday that I was so upset about was the fact that I needed to call a funeral home and figure out some stuff. I finally called, and I have to say, I feel such a sense of peace after calling, which I totally didn't expect. (By the way, every time I write/think about her funeral, she kicks me like crazy. I hope beyond on hope it's her way of saying, I'm not going anywhere just yet!) Anyway, a family friend had recommended a funeral home in my hometown because she has had good experiences with them. My hometown is very small, and I actually knew of Brian because he belonged to the pool I lifeguarded at 10 years ago. I am sure he doesn't remember me, but it was one more small coincidence that encouraged me to call. I called and he actually answered the phone (not the receptionist that usually does) and was amazing. He answered all my questions with such patience and kindness and also gave me some advice that I hadn't considered. He also told me that he and his wife lost a baby a long time ago and that they fully understand the emotional burden we're dealing with and therefore don't charge anything. Nothing. All of their services are provided free of charge. I was blown away. Funerals are so expensive. We will still have to pay cemetary or cremation fees, but they cover the cost of the caskett and everything else on their end. He told me to just call him when the time comes, and they will take care of everything and make it as easy on us as possible, no matter which option we choose. I hung up the phone feeling so much better than I anticipated. Of course I cried the entire time I was on the phone with him, but the fact that I know with all my heart that Toot's going to be in good hands the entire time she is on this earth is such a comfort. Letting her go when the time comes is going to be nearly impossible, but at least we know that she is going to be with someone who truly cares ... and understands. I know that she is going to be cared for with love, kindness and compassion and it makes me feel just a little less apprehensive about the whole thing ...

Blah

I'm not even sure what to write about today ... I just have not been feeling like myself and it's unnerving. I have this near constant headache that forces me to close my eyes and my stomach is in complete disarray ... It feels like I could sleep for two days straight and it just wouldn't be enough. I am not a big fan of feeling this way, because I don't know what is causing it. If I knew it was x, y or z, I'd be fine. But because it's this mystery, it makes me uncomfortable. Is it just being 9 months pregnant? Is it depression sinking in? Is it just that I have a little bug? All weekend I haven't felt like talking to anyone, or doing anything. I had little moments of spunk and pep, but mostly just laid around feeling miserable ... my father-in-law was here all weekend helping us with the kitchen, and it took everything I had to smile and be pleasant because I just didn't feel like being around anyone ...

In happier news, my doctor granted our request for another ultrasound, which I was thrilled about. When we met with the neonatologist a few weeks ago, she mentioned that one of our previous ultrasounds showed a question of duodenal atresia and that I wouldn't be able to feed Toot without an xray to rule out the atresia. I asked our MD if we could have another ultrasound to rule out the atresia and avoid and an xray and she totally agreed. So that was good. We saw Toot on Thursday and it was great :) She is getting so big! She weighs 4 lbs 5 oz, which is so tiny (less than the third percentile) but she's grown a lot in four weeks and it made me very happy!! She even had some hair on the back of her head, which is just so cute to me. My polyhydramnios has gotten much worse, and is definitely uncomfortable, but not too bad yet. I wonder if it is partially contributing to the way I'm feeling, but can't see how it would make me this blah ...

We're being treated to another 4D ultrasound this week (courtesy of my aunt) and I truly cannot wait. It is so nice to look at Toot just to look and not to look for things that are wrong. I feel so lucky that we're able to do this. I can't believe that it's going to be the last time we see her though before she is born ... I'm just so happy that we'll have another look at her in her cozy home, safe and sound :)

Reality Check

I am feeling so strange these days. I'm back working nights, which makes me tired and therefore emotional, so I'm sure that's contributing to how I feel, but I just cannot believe that I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks ... and saying goodbye to my precious daughter that I love more than I knew possible.

Every once in a while I'll just be going about my day and then get hit with this gut wrenching feeling that Toot's not going to around much longer ... I'm so trying to treasure these last few weeks: every kick, every movement makes my heart sing; I've been reading books to her, and just trying to tell her everything that I won't get to when she's gone. It is so hard. And I am so not ready to do this. And I just cannot imagine not being pregnant. I feel like it just defines who I am now ... and once I'm not pregnant, who am I? I feel like I'm going to just be lost ... I love being pregnant. I love knowing that my sweet Toot is safe and cozy and warm in my belly. It's like the one thing that I somewhat have control over ... so what happens after she's born??

I had a bridal shower this weekend for one of my best friends. All the bridesmaids got there early to set up and when I got there, my friend's daughter was there. She's five months old and of course adorable. I never in a million years expected her to be there (why, I don't know) and I felt kinda blindsided. Of course I went and said hi (I hadn't her since she was born, before we knew about T18) but I cried when I did because it just struck me as so not fair that Toot doesn't get a fair shot at life ... then I felt bad for crying. And then I wondered if it would ever get easier? And I don't know that it will ... and then I heard the "you'll have kids someday" and I got pissed. Because I want this kid. I know and love Toot for who she is and I want so badly to watch her grow up ... I do hope and pray that someday we are blessed with a healthy family, but I will never for one minute forget about Toot. She is my precious daughter that I love and have bonded with and sometimes, I just don't think people on the outside get that ...

NILMDTS

When I first learned of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization, I spent hours scouring their website. I cried over the pictures they posted, the stories they told and couldn't imagine being able to see photos of myself and Toot. After talking with several people about how invaluable their pictures were, I searched for some photographers in my area and came across Sharon Reiley. I think I might have broken the rules when I contacted her directly, but once I saw her website, I just knew that this who I wanted to take pictures of Toot. I loved her website and loved her pictures. Then I found out that Sharon sadly and suddenly lost her firstborn son Owen two weeks before he was due to be born ... if anyone would understand what we're going through, it was her.

Sharon responded to my email instantly, and said she would be happy to help us. We met Sharon on April 14 when she came to our house for a maternity photo shoot. I was incredibly nervous, not just because I generally hate pictures of myself, but because I just wasn't sure what to expect ... I didn't think our house would photograph well, couldn't imagine where we would take pictures, how they would come out, etc. I needn't have worried because Sharon was awesome. She had sent us an email with some sample pictures to browse through, and also brought a book for us to look at ... we told her what we liked and didn't like and she got to work.

It was an incredibly emotional day ... one of those that I got through okay (or so I thought) but was really draining and caught up with me later in the afternoon. Sharon had said it would take several weeks to get the pictures, so I was surprised to get an email from her on Tuesday saying that she had mailed a disc with the photos. In her email, she cautioned me about looking at the pictures, "I feel I should warn you, these images are extremely powerful. I want to make sure you are prepared before you view them. It will be very difficult for you to look at them. They are filled with so much emotion, love, joy, and sadness... My heart aches to look at them. Please, make sure you look at them with Patrick together."

Needless to say, I was very anxious to see these pictures! But I am so glad that P and I made sure we were ready, because Sharon was right. They were incredibly powerful and emotional. I had no idea how sad we looked and just how much emotion you can really capture on film ... I usually hate pictures of myself, but these I love. I feel like Toot makes me see myself a little differently, if that makes any sense at all. Instead of critiquing every picture looking for flaws, I just looked at them and saw them for what they were. It's our little family and now I'll forever have us captured on film ... I am so grateful to Sharon for this gift.

We're so hoping that Sharon is able to be at Toot's birth. I feel so comfortable with her, and am keeping my fingers crossed that the timing works out okay! Sharon now has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, so can't just drop everything at a moment's notice but said she would do everything in her power to be there for us. I am confident it will work out, because sometimes, these things just do.

NICU Tour and Birth Plan

It feels like it's been a pretty eventful few weeks ... last Friday, we met with a neonatologist (we loved her) toured the labor and delivery suites, postpartum floors and the NICU at the hospital where Miss Toot will make her entrance into the world! I had never set foot in this hospital, and was happy that our MFM group suggested doing this. I am such a visual person, and I kept visualizing the only place I've ever seen a baby born - where I did my OB clinical in nursing school. Seeing where we will actually deliver makes me feel better ... it makes me feel like I have some sense of control - even though I know I really don't - and just gives me a small sense of comfort that I won't be in a totally unfamiliar place.

Talking with the neonatologist was incredibly helpful. We had a pretty good idea of what we thought things would be like when Toot was born, and she helped reaffirm that our thoughts were correct. She also helped us make some decisions about oxygen, etc. should Toot be born alive. I had been totally in favor of blow by O2 for Toot should she need it, but found out that if she were on oxygen, she would need to go to the NICU after delivery. Unless she is truly thriving, we've decided that we really don't want that. We want Toot with us, whether we're still in the labor and delivery room or if we're up in our postpartum room. Toot can get oxygen in the delivery room to help pink her up if she needs it, but the main goal for us is to be with her. I am so glad I know that now. The neonatologist said that even if we have no plans for Toot to go to the NICU, she can still be at the birth as a support for us. That just meant so much to me ... they are the ones who can best tell us if Toot is thriving or not, and just knowing that they'll be there if we want them to be is comforting.

We had another appointment with our MFM doctor on Tuesday (we'll see her weekly from now on) and she is growing on me! We went over our birth plan with her, and she seemed to think that everything we wanted was very reasonable and she was totally on board. I loved that. I also asked her about having another ultrasound and when I explained why, she told me that seemed "fair" and would work on setting one up for us. It's Saturday now and I haven't heard anything, but at least I know I'll see her again on Tuesday and can bug her about it then! We also talked with a social worker about our birth plan, and I just felt like they were really taking it seriously and would do everything we asked. I of course will still have nine copies with me when the time comes, but it's nice that at least it is familiar to staff that we'll be dealing with! We had some concerns about being moved immediately to a postpartum floor, and I asked if there was anywhere else in the hospital we could go. Our MD told us that we can go to a GYN surgical floor, rather than a typical postpartum floor and that made me so happy. I was nervous to be surrounded by other happy moms/babies and now don't need to worry about that. I also was concerned about our parents and sisters waiting in a waiting room with other happy, expectant families and I found out that there is another waiting area, as well as a separate meditation room where they can wait. This is going to be hard enough as it is, let alone being surrounded by happy families ...

We also talked with the social worker about funeral homes in the area ... it's so not a conversation I enjoy having, but one that is unfortunately necessary ... a few posts ago, I mentioned that the Catholic Church does not agree with cremation. I am happy to report that that information is not accurate! We still aren't sure which option we'll choose, but know that whatever we choose, Toot can have the funeral that she deserves. And that gives me a sense of peace. The cremation/burial debate is however still raging in my head. I just don't know what is right for us ... my parents offered to buy a plot in MA for us for Toot (which is where we would bury her if we choose that option) and it's just so generous of them and made me cry because they would do anything and everything they could for us ... I still think I might want Toot with us, but don't know how to choose. I talk to a social worker that I've known for almost 10 years, and she said I need to stop thinking of everything as right/wrong and black/white and just do what feels right for us now. And not to worry about months or years from now. And she is right, I just am so afraid of choosing the wrong thing ...

A Family Affair

P and I spent Easter weekend at my parents house, and I have to say, it was a great weekend. My brother and his family were in town for the first time since October 2007. (They lived in Oregon up until a few weeks ago, when they moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my sister-in-law's family). They were in Oregon about 5 years and while I loved it there, it was not easy to get to! It involved at least one layover and took no less than 8 hours ... it made for some long travel days! But, now that they're in WI, it's a two-hour direct flight to Boston, which hopefully means that I'll get to see a lot more of my nephews! Anyway, they were here, my sister was home and we all camped out at my parents house for the weekend. It was a full house: noisy, messy and just lots of fun. I so enjoyed being with my family, and I loved playing with those little boys! Quinn is just about three and Reece just turned one, so they are at great ages. I hadn't seen them since I went out to visit in September (pregnant with Toot, but not yet aware!) and they have changed so much!

I did well all weekend, until Sunday afternoon when we were getting ready to decorate Easter eggs with Quinn and all of a sudden I was hit with a wave of sadness that I'll never get to decorate Easter eggs with Toot. The thought just came out of the blue and made me so sad :( Then, my dad was bouncing Reece on his knee and I got sad all over again ... they were so excited to have a local grandchild and I couldn't wait to have Toot at their house all the time. It broke my heart to think of their pain ... I've been kinda selfish in only dealing with my pain, but I forget how much my parents are hurting too. Not just for Toot, but for me too. It must suck for them and I feel bad that I kinda forgot that for awhile ... they are so great though and when I talked to them about it a little, they just hugged me and said they understood. I am lucky to have such a great family and such a great example of what good parents are!

I'll leave you with a picture of our "fur baby", none too pleased to be wearing an Easter hat, haha!