New Year

It's hard to think of it as a happy new year ... about two weeks ago, 2009 held so much promise and excitement and I was counting down the days until we would meet our sweet child ... now, I just want 2009 to be over so I can know that I somehow managed to survive this. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning too, which I really hope isn't a bad omen for the rest of the year. I tried to fall back asleep and wake up again, but couldn't. My fingers are crossed that it isn't a sign of more bad things to come ...

In high school, one of my teachers had a sign posted that read "You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war." I keep thinking of that quote because we are simultaneously preparing for the birth and death of our child and the two just don't go together. I asked P last night where he thought we'd bury our baby. Where we live now is not the place we'll be forever, so I wouldn't want to do it here, but where else would we do it? I am thinking either near my parents or my grandmother, because we want to head that way in a few years anyway, and at least I know it's a place people will always visit. My mom said no matter where it is, she'll be there to look after our baby :(

I've been extremely paranoid lately that everyone around me is going to die. It sucks. I am petrified for my sister, petrified for P and petrified for my parents. I actually had my parents call me when they got home the other night so I could stop worrying. I am just so afraid that something else is going to go wrong ... I am meeting with a counselor on Monday and am looking forward to it because I know I need to talk to someone. I don't think there is another way to get through this ... I saw this lady about 10 years ago, and she helped me in more ways than I ever thought possible. I continued to see her on and off for several years, most recently about 4 years ago I would say. At one point, she wasn't covered by my insurance, so I paid out of pocket to see her - she is that good. I called her when I found all this out, because she was the only person I could think of to talk to, and she is now covered by my insurance, which felt like a gift from God. It's one less thing to think about ... and at this time, every little bit helps ...