Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

L.O.V.E.

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

Update

The last time I posted, I was awaiting a miscarriage. It happened. The physical pain was way worse than I thought it would be, mostly because I didn't know if it was normal. I was curled up on the bathroom floor, puking and just miserable. I called the doctor's office crying and they called in pain medications for me. Pat left work early and brought them home for me, but the worst of it was over by that point. So I used them to dull the mental pain.

We decided to take a break from the whole trying to get pregnant thing. We were just plain worn out. About six weeks after the miscarriage, I still hadn't gotten my period. I had been spotting and spotting and just waiting for it to come, but it never did. So on Friday August 20, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. So I went out and bought 5 more. All positive.

I called the MD office on Monday and they scheduled me for blood work. My beta was really high, so they scheduled an ultrasound. I was seven weeks pregnant. Go figure. We had about 6 ultrasounds and everything was normal. So at 12 weeks, I graduated from the RE to my OB.

My AFP was abnormal (which is apparently normal after having a T18 baby) so I had a level II ultrasound and everything looked great. I tried my best to relax and enjoy, but it was hard. I was so afraid to get attached. But it was too late, I was already in love. We opted to keep gender a surprise and settled in for a hopefully normal pregnancy.

Fast forward to April 26, 2011. I'm 6 days overdue and scheduled to be induced the next day. But our munchkin had other plans. I wake up and just feel different. Lots of Braxton-Hicks, and figure I shouldn't make plans. Pat asks before leaving for work if he should pack a bag. I say yes, just in case.

11:30 - call the doctor, tell them contractions are 11 minutes apart.

12:30 - no progress. Decide to get a manicure, pedicure and have eyebrows threaded.

2:45 - talk to Pat. He says he's going to leave work early, I tell him not to bother, since contractions are only 8 minutes apart.

3:15 - contractions 5 minutes apart. Text Pat, might be a good idea to leave early.

3:30 - call MD, they say head to hospital.  Call Pat. COME HOME NOW.

4:00 - leave for hospital in rush hour traffic. Contractions are 3 minutes apart. Arrive at hospital by 5. They take one look at me and say, oh dear. Go right upstairs and find out in full blown labor.  Admitted.

6:30 - glorious, glorious epidural.

7:00 - MD says I'll have a baby tonight.

8:30 - MD says let's do some practice pushes.

8:37 - MD says he's going to get gloves on and that whatever I do, don't push!

8:38 - One final push and the munchkin arrives!!!!

Pat says "It's a boy!" and I think to myself, oh my god. He's huge. Turns out he's 9 lbs. 14 oz!! I just laugh. And then cry my eyes out.

I am totally in love with him. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him for about 6 months and I loved every minute of it.

He is such a fun, cute little man and makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

Blast from the Past

It's been 19 months and 1 day since Brienna died. Really? How is that possible? I have no idea. I've been so sad and emotional lately. Everything with this pregnancy reminds me of Brienna and I love it, but get sad at the same time. On Saturday, I wore maternity jeans for the first time since June 2, 2009. It felt so weird. I am carrying so differently with this baby and just can't get away with what I did with Brienna. She was so good to me. I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable, nothing looks good and I just am blah. I don't think it was like that with Brienna ... I remember being uncomfortable right around this time, but it went away. I feel like now, if I eat more than the tiniest bit, I have heartburn and feel like crap. Yet I'm starving and eating everything in sight. I've gained more weight already, and feel like I look huge. And yet none of it matters. I just want to bring this baby home ... I want to hear he/she cry and I worry about it at the same time. SIGH.

Ghosts of Christmas (Eve) Past

Two years ago today, I was sitting on the couch watching PS I Love You (not the wisest choice, given my emotional state) ... the phone rang and it was my OB, telling me that our little Toot did in fact have Trisomy 18. I was alone at the time and started crying. I called Pat for him to come home from work, called my parents and then cried some more. Poor Bailey didn't know what to do. She brought me all her toys, then eventually climbed on the couch with me and just snuggled. I distinctly remember getting up and starting to clean the house, repeating to myself over and over "falling apart is not an option" ... Pat came home, my parents came over to give us a hug and the beginning of my new life started to set in. Denial, disbelief and waves of pure grief washed over me again and again and again. It is hard to believe that that day was two years ago. Looking back, I never imagined that I would survive; let alone come to love being pregnant and that I would fall in love with my baby girl despite a terminal diagnosis. I also never imagined that the grief could get worse. That the thought of losing my daughter was far less traumatic than actually holding her precious little self in my arms and then having to let her go ...

As I sit here now, with Brienna's little brother or sister growing inside me, I am sad, yet hopeful. I miss my daughter so much. I wish she were here to celebrate Christmas, to anticipate being a big sister. I wish with all my heart that she didn't have to be in Heaven. Yet at the same time, without having lost her, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have learned what I'm made of. I wouldn't know that Pat and I have a marriage strong enough to handle the toughest of times. I wouldn't know that the love of your child is one of the most amazing loves in the entire world.

So Brienna, I have to thank you. For giving me the best gift of all time. For helping me realize what's truly important in life and for shaping me into the person I am today. I wish you were here, more than anything, but I know that you're with me all the time. That love truly is stronger than death and that someday, we'll be together again. Merry Christmas, baby girl ... I love you and I miss you so much.

Halloween

In my head I wonder about what you would be.

A tiger? A princess? The world's cutest monkey?

Your dad and I discuss it, he's the only one who knows.

What it's like to imagine but never get to know.

I ooh and I ahh at all the other kids,

but inside my heart is breaking for what shouldn't be, is.

It will never be the same for us, it really isn't fair.

You are up in Heaven, while I am stuck down here.

I miss you sweet Brienna,

I see you only in my dreams.

I love you baby girl.

And so tonight I whisper, Happy Halloween.

Hopeful

I am feeling hopeful. I worry that means the other shoe is going to drop, but I'm trying to stay positive. Things with this little munchkin are looking good. I had two ultrasounds this week: my last one with the RE (which I'm very sad about) and then one with my regular OB. It was the NT scan, and the nuchal fold measured 1.5 mm ... normal is less than 2.5mm. So I was relieved. We did the AFP 1 and won't know anything until after the AFP 2, but there is nothing to suggest anything bad. And it's kind of amazing. I'm starting to physically feel better and I cannot believe that I'm 12 weeks 3 days pregnant. I've only told a very few people and would love to keep things under wraps until 16ish weeks, but I'm not sure that's possible. We have a few family events coming up and me not drinking would lead to suspicion ... but we'll see. There is a part of me that feels like everything is going to be okay and then another part of me that is unsure how anything can ever be okay. Like something bad can always happen. And we're the people that it will happen to. But I'm trying not to think that way. It isn't good for me and it certainly isn't good for the munchkin :)