Terrified

I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say I am terrified. I was so hoping that Toot would arrive on her own, but it appears that is not going to happen! She has a couple more hours, but it doesn't look likely. I feel like I am kicking her out of her safe, cozy home and I hate it. My brain knows that I don't have a choice, but my heart feels heavy. I want to let her stay forever ... she is safe, warm, cozy and alive and is now about to be forced to leave. I'm terrified. Terrified to be in the hospital. Terrified to be outside of my comfort zone. Terrified to give birth. Terrified of the uncertainty. Terrified that she might be born still. Terrified that I won't get to meet her alive. Terrified of saying goodbye ... Yet at the same time that I am scared out of my mind, I'm so excited to meet her. I dream about her every night and I just can't wait to hold her. I can't believe we're at this point ... I really can't. I've tried every trick in the book to try and induce labor, but nothing has worked ...

I am so not looking forward to not being pregnant. I can't imagine how empty I'm going to feel. Every time I get scared or sad, Toot gives me a little kick, like "it's okay Mom, I'm here and safe and sound" ... and in a few days or less, that won't be the case anymore. She has given me the strength to get through this, and I have no idea how to do it on my own ... she's given me purpose each and every day for the last forty plus weeks.

Due Date #2

May 28 ... our second due date. I am somewhat baffled that we are here. I thought ten days was an eternity but it flew by. Time is both moving much too quickly and standing still. It is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I want Toot to come on her own terms, which would mean this weekend. Yet at the same time, I wish I could stop the clock and just keep her inside me forever. It is comforting to me that she is cozy enough to want to stay. It makes me tear up just thinking about her having to leave her little cocoon ... she is alive and safe now! Leaving puts her in too much jeopardy and I just want to keep her safe. Isn't that all any mother wants? I want her with me forever and I know that is not possible, but it's breaking my heart to think of what may come to be in a few days ... I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and am actually having an okay day, but I am just not ready for this. I love my little girl so much, it physically hurts. I wish I could put into words how much I love her and how much I don't want to ever say goodbye. But I can't. So rather than dwell on what I cannot control, I have to think positive. I have to hope with every fiber of my being that she comes out alive. I have to pray that we get a little extra time with her. And I have to remember that no matter what, I've had the most amazing forty weeks of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but this little girl is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given ...

Time ...

It is getting harder and harder for me to wrap my head around the fact that in one week (or less), I will be giving birth. We had our last prenatal appointment today and if Toot doesn't arrive this week, we'll be induced Tuesday, June 2. We go in Monday night at 7PM, where they'll try and ripen my cervix with Cervidil ... if it works enough, we'll go to labor and delivery at some point Tuesday. WHOA. I still so want Toot to come on her own, but I am only 1 cm dialted and not really having any contractions. I thought maybe this weekend I was, but nothing consistent and nothing painful enough to stop me in my tracks, which everyone tells me will happen. The doctor tried to strip my membranes (gross, I know) but I wasn't dilated enough so she didn't get very far ... I'm hoping that maybe it will still be enough to get things going ...

While on the one hand I want Toot to come before June 2, it is so strange to think that our time with this precious little being is so limited ... I feel selfish because I've already been given so much more than I deserve ... but the problem with time is that the more I have with her, the more I want. I want to hear her cry, I want to hear her heartbeat on the outside of my belly, I want to see her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. I want to look into her eyes, I want to feed her, change her poopy diaper and dress her in the adorable clothes she has waiting upstairs for her ... I want to love her and cuddle her and touch her chubby little cheeks and bare bottom ... I want to be utterly exhausted and sleep deprived from 2AM feedings ... I want to be a harried, disheveled first time mom trying to get it together and it doesn't feel like that is much to ask, but with T18, it very well might be ...

How to Help a Grieving Friend

I came across two more blogs today of moms with T18 babies. One family has a three-week old who wasn't diagnosed until birth; the other lost their baby at 28 weeks ... both blogs are enlightening, and in one of them, I came across a list for how to help your grieving friend.

Molly Piper

he post is all about how to help your grieving friend and was great. There are certain things that I personally wouldn't like (people making me dinner or cleaning my house) but it really gives insight into

Induction Day

We had an appointment this week and my doctor brought up the dreaded topic of induction. I've always maintained that I want Toot to come on her terms, and my doctor has said I wouldn't be able to go past forty weeks (they use May 28 as my due date, when I'm 99.9% positive it's really May 18). Anyway, she brought it up and I politely asked if we could just talk about it next week. She didn't think that was such a good idea but said that even though I'm forty weeks on May 28, she'll let me go the weekend and if Toot doesn't arrive on her own, June 1 will be the day. I actually felt such a sense of relief because P and I didn't have to make the decision ... we're not left with any choice, and I can feel comfortable knowing that we gave Toot the best chance we could to come on her terms. I had thought the conversation would leave me feeling horrible and sad, but getting to wait until June 1 was our best case scenario ... I can't believe that in less than two weeks we'll meet our little girl!! I still hope she comes on her terms, but if not, that's okay too. At this point, we're keeping the June 1 date to ourselves (Kris and Sarah - please don't say anything to anyone!!) because I'm feeling more and more private about Toot with each passing day and just want to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy as much as I can ... and for whatever reason, I'm best able to do that when I'm not talking about it (with anyone other than P) ... we're using this time as a family for us and as selfish as that might be, I'm actually totally okay with it. There are times when I'm totally open to talking about it and others when I just don't. It's just strange, but I'm fine with it (which might be even stranger!)

In NTR (not Toot related) news, I'm feeling badly about how I treated my best friend in the world the other day. She called me with some pretty good news about her love life and rather than be happy and supportive and excited for/with her, I rained on her parade by being an overly cautious older sister. I could feel myself doing it, but didn't know how to stop. I gave her all sorts of advice that she doesn't need and rather than just let her glow in the good news, I pointed out all the negatives. Not because I'm not happy for her, but because I so worry about her getting hurt ... I am happy for her and hope that I can be more supportive in the future. And next time I'm preachy and annoying, I apologize in advance :)

Due Date

May 18, 2009.

The day that I've been thinking about since September 15, when we first found out we were pregnant. That this day is actually here baffles me. It amazes me that Toot has made it this far, yet terrifies me that our time with her is coming to a possible end. She has defied the odds, yet has so still has so much more to overcome. Today was such a weird day. I worked, which was a good thing, but all day people kept asking me when I was due and I would say, today. (Which FYI is not a good idea when you're taking care of someone's loved one. They instantly think you're going into labor immediately and get a panicked look on their face. Tomorrow, I'm going to change my answer to something a little more vague). All along, I've known that Toot could come at any time. Yet knowing that today is her day makes it that much more real. And reinforces the fact that I am so not prepared ... I'm not prepared to be in labor, I'm not prepared to give birth, and I'm certainly not prepared to say goodbye to the sweet little girl that has lived under my heart for the last nine months ...

Work kicked my ass today, not to mention that I'm a bit emotionally drained and I don't have the energy to write much more ... but wanted to acknowledge Toot's day. It will forever be her day in my heart. And I can't believe it's almost over ...

Not so blah!

Sorry for the depressing post on Monday ... I am feeling much better today, thank goodness. I think working nights really takes a toll on me that I don't quite appreciate until I'm down in the dumps and supremely emotional. I just don't sleep well and that has to be a huge contributing factor to the sadness ... but, nights are done for now ... poor P asked that I try not to work anymore for awhile because he hates seeing me like that. I'm back to days next week and definitely looking forward to it!

Today was supposed to be our 4D ultrasound with Miss Toot, but unfortunately, the portable machine wasn't shipped, so we're going to have to wait just a bit longer! Hopefully it will happen this weekend or early next week ... I am bummed it won't happen today, but know how lucky we are that it will happen at all ... and I am so looking forward to seeing sweet Toot's face!! I am still baffled that she has hair and I can't wait to look at it and look at her and see her dance ... it makes me smile just thinking about it!!

One of the things on Monday that I was so upset about was the fact that I needed to call a funeral home and figure out some stuff. I finally called, and I have to say, I feel such a sense of peace after calling, which I totally didn't expect. (By the way, every time I write/think about her funeral, she kicks me like crazy. I hope beyond on hope it's her way of saying, I'm not going anywhere just yet!) Anyway, a family friend had recommended a funeral home in my hometown because she has had good experiences with them. My hometown is very small, and I actually knew of Brian because he belonged to the pool I lifeguarded at 10 years ago. I am sure he doesn't remember me, but it was one more small coincidence that encouraged me to call. I called and he actually answered the phone (not the receptionist that usually does) and was amazing. He answered all my questions with such patience and kindness and also gave me some advice that I hadn't considered. He also told me that he and his wife lost a baby a long time ago and that they fully understand the emotional burden we're dealing with and therefore don't charge anything. Nothing. All of their services are provided free of charge. I was blown away. Funerals are so expensive. We will still have to pay cemetary or cremation fees, but they cover the cost of the caskett and everything else on their end. He told me to just call him when the time comes, and they will take care of everything and make it as easy on us as possible, no matter which option we choose. I hung up the phone feeling so much better than I anticipated. Of course I cried the entire time I was on the phone with him, but the fact that I know with all my heart that Toot's going to be in good hands the entire time she is on this earth is such a comfort. Letting her go when the time comes is going to be nearly impossible, but at least we know that she is going to be with someone who truly cares ... and understands. I know that she is going to be cared for with love, kindness and compassion and it makes me feel just a little less apprehensive about the whole thing ...

Blah

I'm not even sure what to write about today ... I just have not been feeling like myself and it's unnerving. I have this near constant headache that forces me to close my eyes and my stomach is in complete disarray ... It feels like I could sleep for two days straight and it just wouldn't be enough. I am not a big fan of feeling this way, because I don't know what is causing it. If I knew it was x, y or z, I'd be fine. But because it's this mystery, it makes me uncomfortable. Is it just being 9 months pregnant? Is it depression sinking in? Is it just that I have a little bug? All weekend I haven't felt like talking to anyone, or doing anything. I had little moments of spunk and pep, but mostly just laid around feeling miserable ... my father-in-law was here all weekend helping us with the kitchen, and it took everything I had to smile and be pleasant because I just didn't feel like being around anyone ...

In happier news, my doctor granted our request for another ultrasound, which I was thrilled about. When we met with the neonatologist a few weeks ago, she mentioned that one of our previous ultrasounds showed a question of duodenal atresia and that I wouldn't be able to feed Toot without an xray to rule out the atresia. I asked our MD if we could have another ultrasound to rule out the atresia and avoid and an xray and she totally agreed. So that was good. We saw Toot on Thursday and it was great :) She is getting so big! She weighs 4 lbs 5 oz, which is so tiny (less than the third percentile) but she's grown a lot in four weeks and it made me very happy!! She even had some hair on the back of her head, which is just so cute to me. My polyhydramnios has gotten much worse, and is definitely uncomfortable, but not too bad yet. I wonder if it is partially contributing to the way I'm feeling, but can't see how it would make me this blah ...

We're being treated to another 4D ultrasound this week (courtesy of my aunt) and I truly cannot wait. It is so nice to look at Toot just to look and not to look for things that are wrong. I feel so lucky that we're able to do this. I can't believe that it's going to be the last time we see her though before she is born ... I'm just so happy that we'll have another look at her in her cozy home, safe and sound :)