Why No Tears?

I didn't cry yesterday. I have no idea why, but I feel incredibly guilty about it. All day yesterday I realized it, but kept thinking that the day/night was still young and that surely at some point I would break down. It's what I've become very good at ... yet, I didn't. Why didn't I cry? At P's advice, I purposely avoided the T18 website and baby stories, so I suppose that helped, but still, I feel like I should have cried. I walk around feeling empty and numb all day, but at some point always become overwhelmed with grief and lose it. It was strange not to cry. Yet, it didn't feel like a "good" day. We met friends of ours for lunch yesterday afternoon, my first social event since getting this news. It could have been worse, but was somewhat okay. My friend A is due in less than a week, so her apartment was all set up with baby stuff and when we walked into her place, it felt like I got punched in the stomach. But, no one brought up my "situation" and just talked as if things were "normal". P and I didn't stay very long, and I'm glad I did it, but the constant reminder of babies everywhere is really hard. I was at the mall earlier in the week with my sister and every baby stroller just takes my breath away. We won't have that luxury and the knowledge of that is overwhelmingly sad.

It hurts too that most people seem to just ignore the fact that I am pregnant. It's like the huge elephant in the room and is only going to get worse when I start actually looking pregnant. I know that people feel like they don't know what to say, or feel guilty because they have healthy babies, but I wish that didn't prevent them from still acting like my friend ... I am still pregnant. There is still a baby inside me and I am really trying to cherish every moment that I have with this baby ... I need to make all my memories now, because there is a very good chance I won't get many when she is born. But, please, don't ignore me and don't ignore my baby ... I love her so much and I want people to remember her ... because I will never ever forget her.