First Baby

Well, I did it. I saw my first baby (by choice) since finding out that my baby was going to die. My friend A gave birth to her daughter last Saturday, January 17. I met another friend at their house to meet little A and while it was incredibly difficult, it could have been a lot worse ... I just tried to separate my happiness for them from the sadness that I feel. And of course seeing a healthy baby girl reminds me with shocking clarity of what I won't have, but again, I can still be happy for other people ... so, I crossed a "have to but don't really want to" item off the list! And I am glad I did!

Most of my friends are still ignoring the fact that I am pregnant which frustrates me beyond belief, but at the same time, I understand. My husband and I created a blog when we found out we were pregnant so that we could keep our families in the loop, and I wrote about how I could feel Toot move and one of my friends finally asked me if I really could ... it's basically the first time she's even acknowledged that I have a baby inside (other than when we found out Toot was a girl), so I'm hoping that will maybe help things be less awkward ... most of my friends (with the exception of two, thank you Leahys) have yet to even acknowledge that I'm having a girl! It baffles me, but I guess people are just afraid of upsetting me ... I know how negative I sound, and I don't really mean to, but I get sad for my little Toot that people don't want to talk about her!! I came across a quote that I really liked and while we don't have a name picked out just yet, you get the jist:

The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

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I talked to a girl today who lost her son to T18 and it was so comforting ... I had been nervous to call her (she works with a family friend) but she emailed me last night and I am so glad that we finally talked. She told me about some great resources and really made me rethink where I deliver my daughter. It is nice to talk to someone who truly understands ... her son died of T18 almost two years ago and she just knew exactly how I'm feeling, what I'm going through etc. I finally went back on the T18 website too (which of course made me cry) but did a little more exploring and know what a great resource it really is.

This journey is far from over, but today I feel a sense of peace. It's hard not to when I feel Toot kicking away like crazy ... I love knowing she is safe inside me and every flutter makes me smile. It's like I have this secret that no one knows about it and I love it. So thanks Toot!