It's been awhile since I've posted, but sometimes I feel too drained to even write anything. I can barely wrap my head around how I feel most of the time, let alone express the words in writing ...
Work has actually been a great distraction. I had been hoping it would be, but wasn't sure how I'd feel. The unit I am on is pretty good, and the manager there has been great in accommodating my crazy schedule, so I am very lucky. No one there knows my "situation" either, so that has been kinda nice too. I feel so guilty though (it seems to be my main emotion lately). The first day I was there, one of the girls asked if I had any kids and I said " no". Then she asked if I wanted kids and I said "yes, someday". But I didn't mention my sweet little Toot. It's just so painful sometimes to have to explain things. Yes, I'm pregnant ... BUT. And maybe I don't even need to explain myself, but then it's hard not to because I don't act as excited as I was a month ago ... every time someone says "congratulations" it's like a kick in the gut ...
We went to a wedding this weekend and the dress I wore hid my little belly. I feel so guilty for hiding Toot, but it's just so hard to tell people what's going on. Everyone keeps commenting on strong P and I are, how great of a mom I already am and I want to shout I AM NOT A GOOD MOM! I didn't choose this, I didn't ask to be in this situation. How does that make me strong and brave? I've spent the last few days either ignoring the fact that I am pregnant or trying to hide it. How does that make me a good mom? I don't even feel like a mom yet. Mothers are supposed to protect their children, and I cannot protect Toot from what is going to happen to her ... I feel like a failure. I want to save her and I can't :( When I think about the fact that my child is going to die, it literally feels like my heart is breaking. So sometimes I just don't think about it because otherwise I can't cope. How am I going to do this?? I potentially have 19 more weeks of this. There should be a prize at the end of a long pregnancy. I took for granted that there would be and how wrong I was ... and of course my Toot is a prize and I love her so much, but every time I think about her I hurt. I just want to take my baby home and watch her grow up. And I can't. It's so easy to pretend to myself sometimes that everything is okay because she is safe inside me, but things are anything but okay ... I lay awake at night wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this. There are some moments of the day that I just don't think I can ...
I failed too Laurie, but it was out of our control...there was not a thing we could have done to prevent this. You are a mom and so am I, and we are good mothers...no one loves our children more than we do, we would do anything to make this go away, and that is why we are good mothers! Remember that. I've had and continue to have many moments when I don't feel like I can go on, but I do, and so will you...it's all you can do. And it's okay to let yourself forget for a little while. I did the same thing and it's the only way to maintain your sanity, trust me, it's a good thing to do sometimes. Hang in there...one minute at a time.
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