Double Digits

12: The number days in between runs.  Pathetic.  There was no real reason, either.  I could blame the heat, Crossfit, my IT band or a number of other things, but really, I just wasn't motivated enough.  The heat stresses me out because running with Pete in that weather can be dangerous for him, but there are other times of day to run. And we have a treadmill (no air conditioning, but still).

Today, I started my day with a 3.5 mile run.  Nothing crazy and I did it half-naked.  I needed music, but went Garmin/watch-less.  I just wanted to run; not to get mad at myself for being slow.  So I did.  And it felt a lot better than I thought it would. Maybe I ran 11-minute miles?  I have no idea, but the first run getting back into it is usually the hardest.  So I'm glad it's under my belt.

10: Pounds to lose.  Also pathetic.  I'd be okay with less, but I was 10+ pounds lighter after Brienna/before Pete (I was admittedly a bit too skinny, but it was all grief related). I've gained a few pounds since I stopped breastfeeding and I am pretty unhappy with my body right now.  I hate that feeling.  It goes hand-in-hand with lack of running and my diet over the last month or so has been terri.i.ble.  So I need to make some changes.


I really, really want to get motivated again. My sister's wedding is in 6 weeks.  I don't want to be the fat maid of honor.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable all night because I'm unhappy with the way I look. I don't have a ton of work to do; I'm lucky. With the right food choices, and regular running, I'll be back on track in no time.  Dorothy wrote about Jackie Warner's This is Why You're Fat (And How to Get Thin Forever) so I borrowed that from the library and am starting to put her ideas/suggestions into practice.  If I could lose 6 pounds in the next 6 weeks, I'd be ecstatic!  Having two kids has changed my weight distribution.  It goes straight to my stomach now and is soo obvious.  I legit look pregnant all the time.  I hate it.  But it's not going to go away on it's own, and again I know I don't look bad to other people.  It's more for myself than anything. I want my clothes to fit again. Maybe my body's just too different to fit into my favorite size 25 jeans.  But if I won't ever fit into them, at least I'll know that I tried everything I could.  

10: Miles I want to run by the end of the month.  I've never run the Blessing of the Fleet, and I feel like it's a Rhode Island tradition. So hopefully I'll regain my ability to run long distances and be able to run it July 27.

Infected

I hadn't been feeling so great the last few days.  I had a sore throat and just felt like I was run down.  When I woke up yesterday morning though, I really felt like crap.  So I dragged myself to the doctor's and apparently have a massive ear infection.  Go figure.  So I started on antibiotics and am slowly feeling better.  I hate being sick.  I hate that my planned runs didn't happen because I could barely lift my head off the pillow.  It makes me mad!  And I swear, the minute you take away my ability to run, it's all I want to do.

After my 8 miles on Sunday, I took it easy on Monday:

Bicep curls: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Tricep extensions: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Plank: 1:30

Bicycle situps: 50

My last run was on Tuesday morning before work.  I don't usually run before work, but I'm pretty sure that I ate no fewer than a dozen chocolate chip cookies (so much for my vacation diet) on Monday, so I figured I better.  I snuck out before P left for work, so it was just B and I and it was a great run.  My throat was hurting and occasionally felt like it was closing (allergies? ear infection?) so I walked for a bit at one point, but still finished strong and maintained a fast (for me) pace.  I love seeing that!  

I like seeing 8:36 :)

When I got home, I stretched and foam rolled then did 25 pushups, 25 tricep dips, planked for 1:00 and did 50 bicycle sit ups.  A good way to start the day.

Now I'm in rest and recovery mode.  I have to work all weekend - BOO - and doubt I'll get in any runs since I have to be there at 7AM, but we'll see.  

I'm hoping next week is a better week!

Mother's Day

I had a great day yesterday.  I woke up to Pete in a great mood.  He was standing in his crib, handed me a toy and said thank you ("gak goo") with a huge smile on his face.  I nursed him, he fell back asleep and I went for an 8 mile run with Bailey.  When I got home, I noticed that one single bud on Brienna's rose bush had bloomed.  Like she was wishing me Happy Mother's Day.  It was probably the most perfect way to start my day.  

so pretty.

After a visit with P's parents and grandmother, we headed to my parents house.  We stopped at the cemetery to visit with Brienna.  It was such a gorgeous afternoon.  The sun was shining, there was a soft breeze and the cemetery felt especially peaceful.  P took some pictures of me with my kids, and I love them.  I worried that it was a bit creepy, but decided that even if it was, I didn't care.  

love them.  both.

All I wanted for yesterday was to be with both my kids.  I got to do just that, so it was a happy day indeed!

Thoughtful Thursday

NILMDTS has recently started sending a monthly newsletter.  I like reading it because the organization was founded by a mom who lost her son.  So she gets it.  This month's newsletter was about Mother's Day and the floodgates opened when I started ... thinking.  Sometimes I think I carry this tension and weight that I don't even realize is there until I start sobbing and then it goes away.  The newsletter included this poem that I've seen before, but still makes me so sad.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him Say...

I just had a baby, this I know is true, but God can you be a mother when 

your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, with confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. 

And some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. 

He took a deep breath, cleared His throat and then I saw His tears...

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and hear him say...

"I went to earth to learn a lesson of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mommy who has so much love for me. 

I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy so very much, and I visit her every day. 

When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and I whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad, I'm your baby and I am here."

So, you see my dear sweet one, your baby is not sad nor blue. 

Your baby is here in My Home, and at Heaven's Gate he will wait for you.

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother 

until their time is done, 

they'll be up here with Me one day 

and know you were the best one!

I ache for Brienna.  As I sit here sobbing, my heart literally hurts.  I will forever have a baby missing.  Sometimes I don't think people realize that.  I carried Brienna just as long as I carried Pete. I fell in love with her despite knowing that she wouldn't be here very long.  And it hurts to know that she is gone.  Most days, I walk very steadily in my shoes.  But some days, I'm prone to tripping and others, I fall flat on my face.  The difference between then and now is that now, I can get back up and continue walking.  When Brienna first died, I was down and out for the count.  Now, I stumble and may fall, but I continue on.  I miss Brienna.  Mother's Day is a happy day, but for me, it's also sad.  The one thing I want to do is visit the cemetery and spend some time with my daughter.  I want to sit on her bench and bask in the sunshine and talk to her.  I don't want to feel rushed, I just want to be with her.  She is always with me in my heart, but the cemetery is her special place.

This time of year is always hard.  Her birthday is approaching and I can still vividly recall almost every detail of that day.  I hope I always can.  It's the one day each year that is devoted to her, and I want to celebrate her.  She made a difference.  Not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people.  And I miss her so much.

Brienna Marie,
I love you sweet girl.
Always.  Forever.
Love,
Mom

Providence Half Marathon

A new PR for me!!  I wasn't sure what this race was going to look like for me.  I felt like crap all week and didn't run.  I went to bed late last night, and Pete was up at 4AM, so I tried to tell myself that it was just a fun run, and that finishing would make me happy.  However, I am soo competitive with myself.  I knew I'd ultimately be disappointed with anything other than a PR.  At the start of the race, I compromised and said that breaking two hours again would be enough.

The race started at 8AM.  The weather was pretty good and I just started running.  I forgot how much I hate the beginning of races - it's so congested!  I felt like I was running at a decent pace, but was nervous that I was going out too fast.  I tried not to get caught up in other runners' races.  I kept reminding myself that I was running for me.

I didn't look at my Garmin until mile 4, when I saw I was running an average 9:02 pace.  I knew then that I really wanted to try and PR.  I saw Pat and Pete at a little over 4 miles and was so excited!  I didn't expect to see them until the finish line so it was a huge mental boost.  I felt good running.  I really felt like I was pushing myself though I was petrified of hitting the wall.  I kept glancing at my Garmin and kept seeing sub 9:00/miles.  I was pretty excited and became more and more determined to PR.  I saw Pat and Pete again at 8ish miles and was all smiles.

I was expecting to feel tired at mile 10, and was thrilled when I felt pretty good.  I had some water at mile 11.5ish, drank some Gatorade and tried to push it. At mile 12, it was all or nothing so I tried to make those legs move just a bit faster.  I was exhausted by the end.  I crossed the finish line, smiled and told Pat I'd need a nap!  

SO ridiculously happy!!!!

My legs were sore almost immediately post race.  They feel much better now after stretching and foam rolling (and a nap) and I am still flying high.  Every time I started to doubt myself, I reminded myself that I trained for this.  That I'd run 10 miles just last week and that I could run this race strong.  I was so proud of my body and legs for carrying me, but I was pretty proud of my brain too for not giving in to either fatigue or doubts.

Seeing this guy at the end will remain the best part ever though!!

My little cheerleader.  Love him.

UPDATE: the official results are a 1:57:15 - an 8:57 pace.  I definitely felt like I was running an 8:47, haha.  Either way, I am very happy and now I want to run a sub 1:55 half :)

A Baby No More

My little buddy turned one yesterday.  I cannot believe it.  It seems like he was just born.  I was surprised (not really) by how emotional I was.  It's crazy to think of all that a baby goes through in one year's time.  And all that a mama goes through too!

I truly didn't think I could ever feel this happy again. I thought that genuine happiness was a thing of the past, that it just wasn't in the cards for me.  My heart was so heavy and broken, I couldn't fathom that it would ever not be that way.  But then my little boy was born and I fell head over heels in love with him.  Despite all my anxiety and fear about losing him too, love won.  He makes me feel like I am alive again.  That life is good.  He makes me smile and laugh and I cannot imagine my life without him.  He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Pete hugs are my favorite thing.

Monday Motivation

I somehow managed to run my fastest post-Pete stroller run today! In the wind. I was a little pissed off frustrated to start the run and I'm not sure if maybe that's why?  I wanted to run on a bike path near my house, since the same old stroller route gets boring.  The parking area was so sketchy and I drove past it debating whether or not to park and run.  I called P and told him where my car was in case I got murdered.  While we were on the phone, he found me an alternative parking area, which was much less sketchy!  I was so irritated though because sometimes it seems like my efforts to run get sabotaged.  So anyway, I parked (safely) got the three of us ready, and headed out.  I think I looked like a complete rookie.  B's leash was getting caught, Pete was fussy and it just seemed like perhaps my running attempt was going to be a big fail.

It was windy out, but I felt like I was moving.  Like I was actually running, rather than just jogging.  I forgot my Garmin (another reason for the frustration) so I was using the RunKeeper app on my phone, which was not as readily accessible.  Anyway, I felt like I was moving, but that the wind was at my back and I figured I'd be screwed on the way back to my car.  The first two miles kinda flew by and again, I felt like I was going along at a pretty good clip.  When I turned around at the halfway point, I spotted this guy in front of me.  I guess I was being competitive because I decided I should pass him.  And I did.  And then I tried to maintain my pace, so he didn't then pass me!  Whatever it was, the running gods aligned and I had a great run.  I was sweaty, felt it the entire time, but also enjoyed the challenge.  Most of my runs are slow, steady and "easy" and today just felt different.  When I looked at my splits, I saw that it was!

5.0 miles in 44:25.  8:52 pace.   YAY!
My first thought was that the app must have lost
satellite connection at some point.  But based on
how I felt, I'm going to assume it was accurate.
Also, I've never questioned it before.  So why start now?

I was so happy.  I needed a good, motivating run.  I've been feeling very frustrated with how my body looks these days.  Pete is almost one; I no longer have the "I just had a baby" excuse.  I know I don't look bad.  Most days, I'm fine with how I look.  But I'm still a good 5-7 pounds away from where I want to be. And my favorite skinny jeans don't fit.  I donated them to my sister this weekend because I'm not sure they ever will (though as she knows, it's temporary ownership for now!)  My hips are just wider than used to be.  Could it be the almost 10 pound baby?  And I'm okay with all that.  But I'd like the muffin top to be smaller and I'd like to be more tone.  We're going away in less than two months, so I'm really hoping that I can drop a few pounds by then.  And if not, that's okay too.

While I was running, I passed a man walking.  I passed him again on my way back to the car, and he said, your dog's getting tired!  He was right, she was.  And then when I finished running, a older guy said to me, "Good job!"  And he's right.  I did it.  And that feels good.  Running makes me feel strong and proud, and at the end of the day, that is worth way more than a number on the scale.

Love my running buddies!

Jamestown Bridge 10K

I ran the Jamestown Bridge 10K yesterday morning.  It was sort of a last minute decision.  I had read about it a few weeks ago in Runner's World and finally decided to register.  I worked on Friday, but was able to get out at 7, instead of 11, which was perfect.  I had fully planned on getting up, driving myself to the shuttle drop off and running.  But P had fully planned on driving me there so that he and Pete could cheer me on, which was such a nice treat!  P is always at my races, but I figured with Pete, it might be too hard.  Anyway, the race the great.  Once I found it, it was an easy start.  Not too many people (I think 850), and I basically just hopped right in and started.  

The course was beautiful.  It was literally over the Jamestown Bridge, so the views were amazing.  So many people were running with friends and stopping to take pictures at the top of the bridge.  I was worried about the climb of the bridge, since I'm not usually one to do hills, but it wasn't too bad.  Going over was a piece of cake, though it was narrow and the crowds hadn't thinned yet. That was kind of annoying.  The neighborhoods we ran through were pretty and then it was back over the bridge.  Into the wind, which was not fun, but I was still feeling good.  

Once we came off the bridge, it was flat for a bit and then the rest of the race was uphill.  My legs started to feel heavy, but I refused to stop and walk.  Then I heard P cheering for me so I smiled, waved and gave it all I had for the last .2 miles.  Crossing the finish line of a race is such a great feeling!  I am always proud and happy and I had the best runner's high all day.    

My Garmin said the race was .06 miles longer.
Official race time 57:48, 9:19 pace.

I hadn't run a race since October 2010.  It was really great to get out there and run with a group of people and I loved feeling as good as I did.  It was one of those perfect running days that reminded me why I love running.  When I started running to honor Brienna, I used to be so jealous of all the people that had babies and kids to cheer them on.  I'd see them in their strollers and be sad that Brienna wasn't one of them.  I love running in her memory and I hope it's something I always do.  But this race was even sweeter because I had this guy waiting for me at the finish line.  

happy baby.  proud mama.

I thought about them both the whole race and I loved seeing my smiley little guy with his dad at the end!  P said that Pete would clap when all the other people clapped and that he seemed to have a pretty good time. I know I had a great time and I'm so glad that P and Pete were there.  Also, I technically set a new PR by 1:12, but I know I can do better than that.  So while I'm happy with my time, I'm excited to race another 10K this fall and hopefully beat both my times!

{Dis}Organized Thought

I've had a hard time organizing my thoughts lately.  As I mentioned, I've been irritable, unmotivated and generally just blah. I find myself getting caught up in the pettiness at where I work; I'm stressed/annoyed more easily than I'd like to be and it's really been weighing on me.  It seems like I'm easily swept along the path of negativity, which hasn't been the case for a long time.

I had a much needed appointment with my 'crazy lady' yesterday and I think I figured out what's really been going on.  It was one of those moments when I was talking and then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  For me, when the truth comes out, or I figure something out, tears are usually involved.  It's almost like my cue that I've hit the nail on the head.

So yesterday on my ride up to the appointment, I started thinking about why I'm bothered by the way I've been feeling.  In the past, I'd get caught up in the gossip at work or an ongoing family feud.  But for the past three or so years, I didn't let myself get involved in other people's drama.  I did not have the energy, nor the inclination. The negativity went in one ear and out the other.  I barely even thought about it because I was too emotionally spent from my own existence.  Brienna had given me the perspective I needed to essentially not give a shit because it truly just wasn't important.

I figured out that by getting caught up in nonsense, I feel like I'm betraying Brienna.  I feel like I should be above all this negativity because I know it's not important.  And letting myself get swept along makes me feel like I'm losing my perspective and therefore forgetting about Brienna and all she has taught me.  Part of this all stems from the fact that despite being blah and down this week and last, I've generally been happy.  I am content.  I didn't know if I'd ever truly feel that way again.  When you're mourning the loss of someone you love, you almost relish in that acute pain.  You welcome the outbursts of anguish because it's a tangible connection to the person you lost.  For a long time, I didn't want the pain of losing Brienna to go away.  Ever.  I wanted to always feel it, because it would mean she was still a part of me and that I wasn't letting go.  And I think being happy makes me feel like I'm letting go.  And I don't know how to do that; I don't want to let go.  I don't even know what I'm letting go of.  Is it the pain of losing her?  The lessons she taught me?  Is it finally giving myself "permission" to be happy?  I don't know.  I know that she is a part of me in the truest sense.  She made me who I am.  Why is it that sadness makes me feel connected to her?  Why does it feel like I'm dishonoring her by being happy?

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I have no idea how to answer these questions.  I know time heals and that how I incorporate grief into my life is is not a static thing.  It constantly changes shape.  But I think it feels like if the lessons she taught me are harder to live by, it somehow lessens the impact she had on my life.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I was reminded yesterday that I'm still human.  That this is a process.  And that it's okay to feel the way I do ...

Slacker

I've been feeling like such a slacker this week.  I'm cranky, irritable, blah, eating everything in sight and until today, I haven't been able to push myself out the door to run.  I hate weeks like this.  I had been doing so well (for me)! and I feel like I've ruined all my progress in running and trying to lose weight.  I'm pretty sure I have PMS, but that isn't really an excuse.  I wish I could sort why I feel so down.  I've pretty much been a big waste of space.

I finally ran today and had a great run.  I figured I'd be stiff and sore from being a slug all week, but I actually felt really fresh.  My legs felt rested and I felt light.  I ran by feel alone, and set for 4 miles with my two buddies.  I ended up feeling great, and did 5 instead.  Why do I take time off?!  Running makes me feel better.  I felt better than I had all week after this run.  Why can I not remember that when I'm justifying not running?  Sometimes I really hate my brain.  It plays tricks on me, and convinces me that things are real when they're anything but ... UGH.

sunny stroller run

I think I need a tattoo that says RUN on me somewhere.  Just to remind me that life is better when I'm running.  And that even a bad run is way better than no run.  I'm not sure what the weekend will hold because I'm working 7A-7P both days.  So I'm 99.99% positive that I won't get in a run.  I should suck it up and get up at 4:30 and run on the treadmill, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen!  I was supposed to run 19 miles this week.  I ran 5.  Not sure this half marathon is going to happen after all ... here's hoping  next week is a better week.

In life news, my little man is eleven months old! Where does the time go?!  I am baffled that he is growing up so quickly.

love, love, love that smile.

March 19-24 Recap

My runs last week were so different.  I'm not entirely sure why.

Monday - 3 mile walk with Pete and B.  I debated running a mile in there, but my legs felt creaky so I opted not to.

Tuesday - I ran 4 miles in the afternoon and it felt like 40.  I felt like I was fighting for every step. The stroller felt heavy, my legs felt dead and I just couldn't wait for it to be over.  I'm not sure if I felt so tired and old because I'd run long on Sunday and then walked on Monday or if it was the humidity or if it just a yuck run.  But at least I did it:

Somehow managed to negative split too.  Go figure?

Wednesday - P and I took the kids to the beach.  It was just too nice not to:

My two favorite guys!

Thursday - a very not fun 12 hours at work.

Friday - Pete, B and I ran in the afternoon and had a great run.  I have no idea what made it so much better than Tuesday.  Was it rest?  Was it weather?  Was it attitude?  I am not sure.  But it was great and I was so happy about it!

:)

Saturday - work 12 hours

Sunday - was supposed to do a 5K according to the training plan.  I woke up feeling like crap.  Literally, I felt like I'd been drugged.  I was sluggish, my throat hurt, I could barely keep my eyes open.  So I fed Pete and crawled back into bed.  I cuddled with P and fell asleep with my head on his chest - one of my most favorite things.  We woke up, cooked pancakes for Pete and had a lovely, lazy Sunday morning before heading to Pete's great-grandmother's birthday party. It was perfect.  I'm glad that I listened to my body.  Do I feel "guilty" for not running?  A little bit, yes.  But I think the break will do more good than pushing it and feeling miserable.  

My Week in Runs

I had another great week of running.  I love that I'm loving running again.  This is by the far the most consistent I've been since Pete was born.  I love that I'm looking forward to running and not dreading it.  What a difference attitude makes.  It really is so mental!

Tuesday was a late afternoon 4 miler that I can't recall much of other than it felt fast and good.

An 8:50 stroller mile!!!!!

I should have run Thursday, but for some reason didn't.  Pete was up at my parents house and I took full advantage of sleeping in. And then I had to get a new phone and I had dinner with my friends and running took a back seat.  So I ran Friday morning at my parents house with Bailey.  It was chilly!!  I only brought shorts with me, which was fine, but after Tuesday's warm weather, I was a little taken aback.  A good run nonetheless.  I felt fast(er) and I think it was my fastest run to date.

8:25.  Woo hoo!

Sunday was my "long" run.  My training plan called for 6 miles, and I was trying to think of a place that I could run that without doing the same loop in my neighborhood over and over again.  I ended up doing 6.5 along the Charles River and it was great.

Boston is pretty.

It was HOT out.  I brought a tank top to wear, but realized that I forgot sunscreen, so I ended up wearing my long sleeve shirt with my new running skirt(!) ... I'd like to think that the heat made running feel so hard.  The first three miles felt great, but I kinda knew I was going out too fast.  By mile 4, I was thinking uh oh.  But then at mile 5, I was amazed that I was almost done.  I needed two walk breaks though.  I walked from 5.25-5.35 miles and then again from 6.0-6.1.  And I hate that for some reason.  I know it shouldn't matter, and I'd probably be better off walking at the beginning before I get super tired, but I wish I didn't need it at all.

Hate seeing that 10:05.  Oh well.

Overall though, a good week of running!  Hopefully this week is good too!

I Should Not Be Left Home Alone

P is away this week for a bachelor party in Tahoe.  He's having a great time, and I am so happy for him.  He needed a break from work and he deserves to have fun with his friends and not worry about home for a change!  However, I think once he finds out what's been going on, he's never going to leave me again.

I started off the week without P by dropping my phone in the toilet.  So Pete was on his first overnight, P was flying across the country and I was unable to be reached because my phone was sitting in a bag of rice.  I ended up having to get a new phone, which because I'm addicted to my iPhone, was not cheap.

Yesterday I was out running errands when I realized that I left my wallet at home.  I detoured home, pulled halfway up the driveway and ran into the house to grab my wallet.  I ran back to the car, put the key in the ignition and ...... nothing.  The car wouldn't start.  No matter what I did or how many times I tried.  Of course I park in the driveway we share with our neighbor.  And because I only pulled in halfway, she wouldn't be able to fit. So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up the driveway.  P's car was at the office, parked in a gated lot.  I tried to call the people he works with, but couldn't get ahold of anyone.  So I frantically called my friend Amanda, who picked Pete and I up and we went to Pat's office.  We waited for someone to leave the lot, I snuck in and as I'm running across the lot I hear, "hey, aren't you Laurie - P's wife?"  I wanted to say no, but of course said yes and then tried to play it cool that I was sprinting across the gated parking lot ... in the rain.  I get the car, stop at the store for either a bottle of wine or chocolate (I opted for M&M cookies) and head home. Where I discover that Bailey ate part of a plastic bag. I panic, but realize she is fine and google tells me it happens all the time, she'll poop it out.

So then I decide to check the mail and find this:

Really?  As if I'm not paranoid enough ... 

Great.  I hate being home alone as it is.  Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but I'm definitely more on edge at night, which in turn makes Bailey more on edge.  Which means she barks at the littlest thing, which then freaks me out more.  It's a good time in my house, I swear.

So today, I try and start the car again but no luck.  AAA comes to check it out, they assume it's the battery (despite me telling them it's not), they can't start it either so call for a tow truck and there goes my car:

Please come back soon car.  I miss you already.

So, I'm pretty excited for P to come home.  Nothing that happened was a big deal, but it seems magnified when you're the only one dealing with it.  I don't know how single moms do it - I give them so much credit and admire them so much.

And at the end of the day, this is the only thing that matters ... 

love that sweet face.  L.O.V.E.

Hopefully the luck o' the Irish is treating everyone else better!  But please tell me, does anyone else feel like sh!t hits the fan when they're home alone?  Or is it just me?

Weekly Recap

I had a great week of running.  I ran almost 20 miles, which is definitely a high for the last two years!

After my long run Monday, I worked 16 hours on Tuesday and didn't get home until 4AM.  I debated running on Wednesday, but my sister (wisely) talked me out of it.  So I ran on Thursday with Pete and B:

Not bad for a stroller run.  And yay negative splits!

I also ran on Friday.  I never run two days in a row.  When I trained for my marathon, I was convinced it was the only way I'd be able to finish.  So I just told myself I couldn't do it.  Now that I'm a firm believer in stretching and foam rolling, I wanted to try it.  And I needed to get the miles in for training.  So I set out to do an easy 3 miles with the stroller.  I literally didn't even look at my Garmin until after it chirped 3 miles.  I was at 3.2, so figured I'd just do 3.5.  I ran entirely by feel and had a decent run with my two buddies:

Really, what's with the negative splits?

I worked 12 hours on Saturday, and despite the fact that I was super busy, all I could think about was my run on Sunday.  I was equal parts nervous and excited.  I knew it would push my mileage for the week, but I really wanted to get in a good run.  I thought my training plan called for 6, but it really only called for 5.  I woke up not feeling the run.  It was "feels like 28" and windy.  When I stepped outside with B (no stroller!) I thought I was way overdressed, because it didn't feel that cold.  Then the wind kicked in. And I alternated between freezing and sweating.  And for miles 2-4.5, I was cursing the wind, running and everything in between.  I felt like I was literally fighting for every step, let alone every mile.  Again, I chose not to look at my Garmin.  I needed to run by feel alone.  So when it chirped at 5 miles, I was relieved.  I was kinda far from home though (I was too lazy to walk that far), so I figured I'd run to the end of the street.  When I got there, I'd hit 5.4 miles so I figured I'd just make it 5.5:

All things considered?  Not too shabby.

I was happy because the run ended on a positive note.  But I'd like my happiness not to be so pace-dependent.  I kept telling myself that I'd be happy no matter what because I pushed through a tough run and finished.  But I was also relieved to see sub-10:00/miles.  And yet I'm also disappointed that I know I won't PR at the half in May.  I ran a flat 9:00 pace and that was only because I'd ran a marathon 3 weeks before and had some serious mileage (for me) built up.  

Either way, I'm happy about my week of running.  I'm petrified my IT band is going to give out at some point soon.  But I managed the 5.5 on Sunday with only a little discomfort.  And after 3 miles, I barely noticed it. Foam rolling is key, I think.  In fact, I should go do it right now!

Long Run!

I was such a slacker yesterday and skipped my long run.  The training plan called for 5 miles, but I had wanted to do 6, since I did 5 last weekend.  I ended up doing 0.  My legs were a little sore, but I think it was more laziness than anything else.  Anyway, I made up for it today and decided that I'd try and run 6.  I found a 3 mile loop in a nearby park, and figured doing it twice would be perfect.  When I got there, I realized that my Garmin battery was dead.  I wasn't happy.  Luckily, I have the RunKeeper app on my phone and was able to use that instead.  And it's a good thing, because the marked 3 mile loop wasn't quite 3 miles.  When I finished two laps, RunKeeper showed I'd run 5.2 miles (I looked after 1 lap and saw it wasn't 3 miles, so I knew I'd have to extend a bit) ... which is exactly what I did and ended up doing 6.25!

Garmin splits are so much cooler.
But this got the job done, so I really shouldn't complain!

My splits are actually semi consistent (for me) and I'm overall really happy with the run!  I sort of hated it while I was running, but had such a runner's high afterwards.  And it's the longest run I've done post- Pete and certainly the longest stroller run ever.  Pete was so good.  He got a little fussy with about 0.5 miles to go, so I stopped and gave him a cup of Cheerios (he had a sippy cup of milk with him the whole time) and he was pretty content to let me finish.  I am a lucky mama.  Still so happy, but have a feeling I'm going to crash later.  Also, I am gross because I ran in clothes I'd already run in this week.  I used the steam refresh option on the dryer before I ran, but I'm pretty sure the people in the grocery store hated me for smelling so bad!

A Tough Run ...

... is still better than no run at all!  I got an unexpected 12 hours off from work yesterday - woo hoo!  My dad was already here when I got the call, so he stayed and babysat Pete while B and I went for a run.  It was chilly out, but I think I overdressed.  My legs felt tired running and I felt like I was working hard.  I'm still trying to run by feel and didn't look at my watch until about 2.5ish miles in because I was ready to be done.  I didn't stop though, and am very glad for that.  I picked up the pace at the 3 mile mark and ended up finishing in just over 36 minutes.  That explained why it was hard!!  I haven't run that "fast" in a long time and almost never start my first mile at a sub-10:00 pace.  So in the end, I was thrilled. I pushed myself harder than I have been and am happy with the result.  Gotta start somewhere, right?

A sub 9:00 for my last mile - yay!!

Early AM Run

I had a great little early morning run today.  I woke up at 5 excited to run.  It's tricky because I couldn't just hop out of bed and head out the door.  I either had to pump, or wait for the man to wake up so I could feed him at least a little bit.  I decided to just get up and pump, but B ended up waking Pete up, so I got to feed him and then crossed my fingers that he'd fall back asleep so I could run. He did!  So B and I headed out for a windy run.  I love early morning exercise.  It sets the tone for the whole day and makes me happy.  Plus, I had all sub-10:00/miles today.  YAY!!!

I Heart Running

I had a really great running week and it makes me so ridiculously happy!  I started off with a little Monday Motivation and headed out the door early with B.  It was cold, and in the process of putting my phone in my sleeve, I somehow turned off RunKeeper and didn't realize it until the one mile mark. Oh well.  I ran a 3 mile route at about a 10:00 min pace.  Not bad and I loved being done by 7:15!

Thursday was gorgeous out.  I had plans to meet a friend in Boston for a run, but her daughter was sick, so we canceled.  I decided to take advantage of the beautiful day and drove down to Newport for a run with Pete and B on the Cliff Walk.  I wore shorts (in February!!) and had a mentally challenging run.  B was horribly behaved and I wished so badly I didn't bring her.  There were a few stairs to navigate on the cliff walk loop (which I didn't realize) and things got tricky with the stroller and B.  So after about .7 miles, we turned around.  I was so frustrated I debated just throwing in the towel because my plans didn't work out, but then I decided it was too nice to not run.  And that I'd driven 30 minutes, I might as well run for at least that.  So we ran along the streets of Newport and I ended up doing 4 miles.  I actually felt pretty good and despite all the stops in the first mile, had ok splits the rest of the time.  Also, I remembered why I love my Garmin:

I worked a double in Friday and woke up feeling pretty crappy on Saturday morning.  I had to really push myself out the door, but am so glad I did.  B and I braved the 20-30mph winds and I ended up having a great run. I wanted to run by feel, so I didn't look at my Garmin once.  I also didn't take one walk break.  And my IT band didn't hurt.  At all.  WIN!  The wind was pretty brutal, and at some points it felt like I literally wasn't moving.  I had planned on doing 4 miles, but at mile 3 was feeling good so extended my route.  I picked up the pace for the last mile and only looked at my Garmin when I was nearing home, which was at 4.65 miles.  I sped up for the last .35 and am psyched that with all that wind I still ended up sub-10:00.

Barely sub-10:00, but I'll take it.

I read all these blogs where the girls are running 50 mile weeks and I get jealous, but for me, I had a great week.  I felt like a real runner on Saturday (and I haven't since Pete was born) and the run made me feel confident that I can run the 1/2 marathon in May.  I am a happy girl!  I wanted to run today, but it didn't happen.  So my plan is an early AM run with B tomorrow ... fingers crossed it's a good one.

Back on Track?

I managed two decent runs this week, and I'm quite happy about it.  On Wednesday, I ran ... in shorts ... in February.  Just 2.5 miles at a 10:37 pace with the stroller, but that's okay.  I didn't look at my watch once; I just ran what felt comfortable and enjoyed the run with zero ITB pain.  On Friday, I logged 3.0 miles on the treadmill at a 10:13 pace with a 1% incline.  I'm not trying to win any speed awards, and I read on AMR that when coming back from a break, it's better to focus on distance, not speed.  So at this point, just running is a win!  I have 13 weeks until my half marathon, which I think will be perfect.  I can't focus on being fast, and may not break 2:00 again, but that's ok. I'll just be proud of myself to run.

My Patriots lost yesterday.  I was bummed for a little bit, but in the scheme of things, it's so not a big deal.  I remember when they lost 4 years ago, I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the night.  It was a big deal in my life at the time.  Then when your daughter dies, a little football game becomes just that ... little.  And really, who could be sad with this guy around?

Bad, Bad Blogger

OK, my number 1 resolution was an epic failure.  I've come to terms with it.  But I need to at least mention it.  After everything went to shit, I pretty much stopped exercising.  My ITB was sore and the little man refuses to sleep during the day.  Excuses?  Yes.  I am sure that if I was super dedicated, I could have gutted it out.  But after a 12 hour day with a non sleeping baby, the last thing I feel like doing is lacing up the shoes and getting on the treadmill.  I'm disappointed in myself, but it happened and I have to just move on from it.  I way underestimated how difficult it would be to get in a routine with an unpredictable baby.  So that's that.

On a positive note, I have been tracking everything with MyFitnessPal and I love it.  I've lost weight and am very happy with that (thank goodness for breastfeeding, it affords me many extra calories!)  My muffin top hasn't gone anywhere though and I know I need to kick up the cardio to see it go away.  Our vacation to St. Maarten is fast approaching so I'm hoping it's good motivation! I've also done well with meal planning.  I haven't really calculated out what I'm saving, but I know for a fact that I am because only being at the grocery store once cuts out all those frivolous purchases.  Budgeting has been going well too, for the most part.  Yesterday, I took out cash and can only spend that until next pay day (Friday - I get paid weekly).  So far, so good, but I realize that it's only Saturday!

Pete is officially a nine month old.  How it happened that fast is beyond me.  I love my little guy.

And yesterday at his well visit, the NP totally remembered Brienna without my mentioning her and it made me so happy.  I miss her ... really, really hoping for a run tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Days 12-14

Otherwise known as, when everything went to shit.

1.12.12
I stayed late at work, so didn't get home until after 3:30 this morning.  Pete is still not sleeping great and was up before 7.  So less than 3 hours of sleep and a baby that no longer naps ruined me.  So I did nothing. Except 10 pushups.  But I'm not sure that counts.

1.13.12
I wanted to walk before work, but Pete was up at 4:30 and I couldn't get him back down til 5:30 and then he was up at 7.   And of course didn't nap at all in the morning.  So again, I did nothing.

1.14.12
NOTHING.  I am a lazy piece of a$$!  I feel like absolute crap today - my ITB/hip is killing me, I can barely keep my eyes open and I think I might be getting my period for the first time in 20 months.

This is what I feared, and why I wanted to challenge myself with a streak in the first place.  I miss one day, and it just snowballs from there.  It's the same with my eating.  I am one of those people who tries to eat well, but if I mess up during the day, I say "screw it" and don't care the rest of the day.  I've also found that as I pay more attention to myself and my habits, I realize I'm a very emotional eater, which is interesting because when Brienna died, P had to remind me to eat - it just didn't occur to me to do so.  So maybe I'm more of a frustrated eater ... I get snack-y when I'm irritated or exhausted and just let myself go.  I need to learn that it's okay to "mess up" but that when I do, I need to let it go and continue with my original plan.

I'm still going to keep track of everything for the month of January.  I've already surpassed my mileage total for December and it's still early in the month.  I'm planning on a longish run tomorrow (4-5 miles) and I'm actually really looking forward to it.  One thing I have been good with is tracking my food intake on MyFitnessPal; I like the accountability and at a very basic level, it just makes me think about what I'm eating.  I wanted McDonald's breakfast the other day (the less than 3 hours of sleep after a 20 hour day morning) but when I checked, it was close to 1000 calories.  Wisely, I decided against it.  I've also been drinking more water and am generally just paying attention to what goes in my body.

Plus, I have some serious motivation to stay active and eat healthy ... P and I booked our trip to St. Maarten for his best friend's wedding in June - woo hoo!  I want to feel confident and I know that when I'm in running shape and feel strong, I feel confident.  So, that's my spiel.  Stay tuned ...

Days 6-11

Day 6: 1.6.12
3 mile run with the Bailey and Pete.  A sub-10:00 pace with the jogging stroller always makes me happy. Finished in 29:52.

Day 7: 1.7.12
This is the day I was most concerned about, because I had to be at work by 7AM.  But, I did it!  I got up at 4:45, fed Pete, pumped and then walked for 20 minutes (a little over a mile).  I was very pleased.

Day 8: 1.8.12
Apparently, this is the day I should have been concerned about.  After working 12+ hours, Pete decided that he just wouldn't sleep.  At all.  I finally got him to fall asleep from 12-2 (in bed with me, so not a very good sleep for me) but then he was up until 5, when I handed him over to P until 7ish.  I had a baby shower in the morning, Little Christmas in the afternoon and could barely keep my eyes open when I got home.  So the streak ended.

Day 9: 1.9.12
20 minutes walking on the treadmill.

Day 10: 1.10.12
Attempted a 4 mile run on the bike path near my house, only to find it was closed.  So my 4 miler turned into a 2 miler and I wasn't happy about it.  It's amazing how I could do essentially nothing the entire month of December and be okay with it, and now a run gets cut short and I'm pissed ...

Day 11: 1.11.12
25 minutes walking on the treadmill.  Had an MD appointment at 8AM and then work at 11.  So I was pretty happy to get a walk in before the MD appointment!

Day 5

1.5.12

A little rough today.  I tried several times to get in a run, but Pete thwarted my attempts each and every time.  He just didn't want to sleep today.  At all.  All day.  I finally got him down for a nap about noon and was 15 minutes into an interval workout on the 'mill when he started screaming and I had to stop and get him.  Poor kid.  I'm not sure why he didn't want to sleep all day ... it was semi frustrating, because I had so much I wanted to get done. Oh well.  He's too adorable to be frustrated with for long:

And while he was playing this afternoon, I got in 18 push ups.  So at least the streak continues.  I'm hoping for at least a few miles (running) tomorrow.

In terms of other goals, I have been much better about drinking water, which is good.  And I'm trying to cut back on Diet Coke.  It's hard.  But it really would make so much sense.  It's expensive!!  And unnecessary. So we'll see!

Days 2, 3 & 4

So far so good. YAY!

Day 2 - 1.2.12
2.2 mile run in 22:10 with B.  I planned on a slow, easy run and that's exactly what I got.  It was perfect.  My legs are definitely sore though.  I'm not used to running multiple days in a row and taking such a long break was pretty dumb.

Bicep curls: 10 lb weights, 15 reps x 2
Tricep extensions: 10 lb weight, 15 reps x 2
Bicep curls/shoulder presses: 10 lb weights, 10 reps x2
Circles with arms out to the side (no idea what they're called).  A lot.

Day 3 - 1.3.12
30 minute walk on the treadmill, at 2% incline.  Can't remember exactly, but I think it worked out to be about 1.69 miles.  Wanted to give my legs a rest, as they were pretty sore - but in a good way.  I love that feeling.  I worked all day too and didn't sit down much, so I think it was good to keep the juices flowing.

Day 4 - 1.4.12
30 minute walk on the treadmill at varying inclines 2-5%.  Walked a bit faster than yesterday and did about 1.8 miles.  Then Pete woke up and my workout ended!

I'm loving our treadmill.  It's so easy to ensure a workout with it right there.  Both days I walked, I told myself I'd just do a mile.  I'm glad I did more.  And it might not be much, but it's a good start for me. I've also been tracking my food using MyFitnessPal.  It's free and you can scan everything you eat.  Thank goodness for breastfeeding, because it affords me many extra calories.

I'm not sure what my plan for the rest of the week is.  I have to work 7A-7P on Saturday, so my thought is a quick 1 mile run.  I'll have to get up at 4:45 ish just to get that in, so we'll see.  I'd like to get in a run either tomorrow or Friday, and then again on Sunday.  I think the weather might be a bit warmer, so hopefully the man, B and I can all go together!

Day 1

3.5 miles in 33:26 with the ORB for my first run of 2012.  And it was glorious.  The weather was unseasonably warm (and I was overdressed) and it was just a near perfect day for a run.  I took a 0.10 mile walk break a little after 2 miles and was happy I did.  I didn't realize that I haven't really run since 12/4.  Pathetic, you say?  I agree.  So I took it easy this morning.  It was the first day in a long time that I woke up excited to get out there again.  And that makes this mama happy!

Strength:
8 lame pushups. It is so sad that 8 felt hard.  Perhaps it's time for the 100 pushup challenge?