Thoughtful Thursday

NILMDTS has recently started sending a monthly newsletter.  I like reading it because the organization was founded by a mom who lost her son.  So she gets it.  This month's newsletter was about Mother's Day and the floodgates opened when I started ... thinking.  Sometimes I think I carry this tension and weight that I don't even realize is there until I start sobbing and then it goes away.  The newsletter included this poem that I've seen before, but still makes me so sad.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him Say...

I just had a baby, this I know is true, but God can you be a mother when 

your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, with confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. 

And some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. 

He took a deep breath, cleared His throat and then I saw His tears...

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and hear him say...

"I went to earth to learn a lesson of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mommy who has so much love for me. 

I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy so very much, and I visit her every day. 

When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and I whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad, I'm your baby and I am here."

So, you see my dear sweet one, your baby is not sad nor blue. 

Your baby is here in My Home, and at Heaven's Gate he will wait for you.

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother 

until their time is done, 

they'll be up here with Me one day 

and know you were the best one!

I ache for Brienna.  As I sit here sobbing, my heart literally hurts.  I will forever have a baby missing.  Sometimes I don't think people realize that.  I carried Brienna just as long as I carried Pete. I fell in love with her despite knowing that she wouldn't be here very long.  And it hurts to know that she is gone.  Most days, I walk very steadily in my shoes.  But some days, I'm prone to tripping and others, I fall flat on my face.  The difference between then and now is that now, I can get back up and continue walking.  When Brienna first died, I was down and out for the count.  Now, I stumble and may fall, but I continue on.  I miss Brienna.  Mother's Day is a happy day, but for me, it's also sad.  The one thing I want to do is visit the cemetery and spend some time with my daughter.  I want to sit on her bench and bask in the sunshine and talk to her.  I don't want to feel rushed, I just want to be with her.  She is always with me in my heart, but the cemetery is her special place.

This time of year is always hard.  Her birthday is approaching and I can still vividly recall almost every detail of that day.  I hope I always can.  It's the one day each year that is devoted to her, and I want to celebrate her.  She made a difference.  Not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people.  And I miss her so much.

Brienna Marie,
I love you sweet girl.
Always.  Forever.
Love,
Mom