{Dis}Organized Thought

I've had a hard time organizing my thoughts lately.  As I mentioned, I've been irritable, unmotivated and generally just blah. I find myself getting caught up in the pettiness at where I work; I'm stressed/annoyed more easily than I'd like to be and it's really been weighing on me.  It seems like I'm easily swept along the path of negativity, which hasn't been the case for a long time.

I had a much needed appointment with my 'crazy lady' yesterday and I think I figured out what's really been going on.  It was one of those moments when I was talking and then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  For me, when the truth comes out, or I figure something out, tears are usually involved.  It's almost like my cue that I've hit the nail on the head.

So yesterday on my ride up to the appointment, I started thinking about why I'm bothered by the way I've been feeling.  In the past, I'd get caught up in the gossip at work or an ongoing family feud.  But for the past three or so years, I didn't let myself get involved in other people's drama.  I did not have the energy, nor the inclination. The negativity went in one ear and out the other.  I barely even thought about it because I was too emotionally spent from my own existence.  Brienna had given me the perspective I needed to essentially not give a shit because it truly just wasn't important.

I figured out that by getting caught up in nonsense, I feel like I'm betraying Brienna.  I feel like I should be above all this negativity because I know it's not important.  And letting myself get swept along makes me feel like I'm losing my perspective and therefore forgetting about Brienna and all she has taught me.  Part of this all stems from the fact that despite being blah and down this week and last, I've generally been happy.  I am content.  I didn't know if I'd ever truly feel that way again.  When you're mourning the loss of someone you love, you almost relish in that acute pain.  You welcome the outbursts of anguish because it's a tangible connection to the person you lost.  For a long time, I didn't want the pain of losing Brienna to go away.  Ever.  I wanted to always feel it, because it would mean she was still a part of me and that I wasn't letting go.  And I think being happy makes me feel like I'm letting go.  And I don't know how to do that; I don't want to let go.  I don't even know what I'm letting go of.  Is it the pain of losing her?  The lessons she taught me?  Is it finally giving myself "permission" to be happy?  I don't know.  I know that she is a part of me in the truest sense.  She made me who I am.  Why is it that sadness makes me feel connected to her?  Why does it feel like I'm dishonoring her by being happy?

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I have no idea how to answer these questions.  I know time heals and that how I incorporate grief into my life is is not a static thing.  It constantly changes shape.  But I think it feels like if the lessons she taught me are harder to live by, it somehow lessens the impact she had on my life.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I was reminded yesterday that I'm still human.  That this is a process.  And that it's okay to feel the way I do ...