Goals

I am generally not one for New Year's resolutions, but I do think I'd like to set some goals for 2012.  And I think having them out there on the world wide web will be helpful in keeping me accountable :)

Health/Fitness Goals

1. Exercise every day for one month.  Starting tomorrow.  I really need to get back into the swing of things.  So even if I just walk a mile, I'll be better off than doing nothing.  P and I got a new treadmill (yay!!) for Christmas, so that should make things a little easier!  Once I've reestablished the habit, I can evaluate my specific running goals - namely another half and:
2. PR the 10K.  I want to run another half, but I highly doubt I'll be speedy enough to set a new PR.  The 10K might be the perfect distance, and there are many more to choose from over the course of the year.
3. Increase my strength training - I have a vacation planned in June and my sister's wedding in August!! I want my arms to look toned and I need to tighten my core - I bought a Groupon for hot yoga, and am excited to try it.
4. Join a running group.  I've had my eye on one for a couple of years now but then I got pregnant and it didn't seem like the right time to join.  I talked to P, and he's okay with me heading out on Sunday mornings for group runs.  Now I just have to actually work up the courage to go!
5. Drink more water.  I've been so bad lately about getting enough water.  I also need to quit my diet Coke habit, but I'm not quite there yet.  It's my very guilty pleasure.  

Life Goals

1. Mindfulness.  I think by nature of being female (and especially as a mom) I multitask as much as possible.  If I'm making dinner, I'm folding laundry or feeding Pete or emptying the dishwasher or just thinking about a million other things.  I've started trying to practice mindfulness when nursing Pete.  I used to bring my phone with me or try and sneak in a few pages of a book, but now I just sit and relax and savor the moment.  And I swear, he can tell.  It feels good and probably benefits both of us!
2. Establish a budget and stick to it.  Since cutting my hours to part time, things are a little tight. I think we're okay, but I miss my full time paycheck and the sense of security that went with it.  I need to try and pick up some overtime shifts so I can relax a little bit - and take some pressure off P.  I've heard good things about Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and while I might not be into the religion aspect, I think his budgeting is credible?  I've also been looking at mint.com but I'm not sure how I feel about giving up all my financial information.
3. Menu Planning.  I really want to try and do this. I think it would help with budgeting, and it would save me a lot of aggravation during the week!

Sweet Pete

Pete fell asleep nursing today - he rarely does that anymore - and if that wasn't enough to make me melt, he did it while holding Brienna's necklace in his little hand.  It was one of those moments that just made me stop, take a deep breath and appreciate my life.  I sat there rocking him while he slept and just soaked in the tenderness of the moment.  That is why I suffered through the beginning weeks of breastfeeding. It has been the best bonding experience for us and I can't imagine not sharing those precious moments with him ... and his sister.

One of my favorite pictures from the day after he was born ... both my babes, close to my heart:

Splish Splash ...

... there is not much cuter than Pete in the bath!

I am legit obsessed with him.  He's so freakin' cute and just makes me melt.  Every day.  The poor kid is sick and feels miserable, yet he still smiles and is so good natured.  I have no idea how I ended up with him, but I thank God every single day.  He is the best ever.

Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours ...

best. present. ever

And Then Everything Changed

It was just three short years ago that my world was altered.  I was naively happily pregnant when I listened to a voicemail from my OB's office on 12/16/2008.  I called back and was told that the doctor would call me.  In the back of my head, I thought that probably wasn't good.  The office closes at 4; he called at 6PM - from his cellphone.  Then I knew it was bad.  He told me that my AFP was abnormal, but not to panic.  He told me the possible things that could be wrong with my baby.  I went online, found the Trisomy 18 website and the first words I saw were "incompatible with life".  I panicked.  P was at an event for work.  I called him and asked him to come home.  I never do that and he was home in a flash.  We read everything we could, cried and made the decision to have an amniocentesis, the only way to positively know if our baby would be ok. Three years ago today (can you tell I'm a bit date obsessed) we had our amnio.  Our doctor was one of the nicest I've ever met.  Everything looked okay, he didn't see any outward signs of T18, but the amnio would confirm.  This is what I wrote then:

"Friday was maybe the longest day of my life. Our appt was at 9:45, so we got up early and were there in plenty of time. They did a level II ultrasound prior to the amnio to look for characteristics of Trisomy 18. During the ultrasound, we learned that Toot is measuring very small ... Based on a May 28 due date, Toot should have been measuring 17 weeks, 1 day, but was only measuring 16 weeks, 2 days. Small gestational age is a sign of Trisomy 18. According to the doctor, everything else looked okay, but it was hard to get a good enough look because of how small Toot is.


I am trying so hard to stay positive, but at the same time, am so afraid of what we will find out ... I can't imagine seeing your own child struggle with developmental disabilities, not being able to ever be independent. It just is almost too hard to fathom. You spend your whole life dreaming of a happy, healthy baby. Then you actually conceive, a miracle in it's own right and you just can't stop thinking about the future. Everything immediately becomes about the baby. You imagine the endless possibilities that await your precious child and to find out that may not happen is just heartbreaking. I feel like my heart is literally aching. It hurts to just exist right now.

I think the hardest part is waiting. They did a FISH test with the amnio, so we might know something as soon as Tuesday. But, our doctor told us that it's not 100% reliable and not to "bet the ranch" on the results. P and I know that no matter what, we're not going to change anything. Terminating the pregnancy is just not an option for us. I think God has a plan, and in these last few days, I've prayed more than I have in a long time. In one sense, I have this weird calm that everything will be okay. And I know, no matter what happens, P and I will be okay. If anything, these last few days have showed me that our love and our marriage is stronger than I could have imagined. We have each other, and will get through this.

While part of me has that sense of calm, the other is right on the edge of panicking. It's like I can't let myself believe that something could be wrong, but at the same time, I'm afraid to think that everything could be okay. It has to be okay. Our baby has to be healthy. How can it not? My emotions are all over the place, and it's hard to just function. P has been a pillar of strength; I wish I could be more like him. He said that he just needs things to be as normal as possible. While I on the other hand, don't know how to act normal. I haven't gone to work, I'm not sleeping and to top it all off, I think I have strep throat. And it's Christmas this week. I don't know how I'm going to see our families and pretend everything is fine. We might just skip Christmas. I love seeing our families on Christmas. But I just don't know if I can ..."

I have no idea how I survived.  I am so glad I wrote things down so I can look back and see how far I've come. This time of year is always hard for me.  Depression rears its ugly head and I have to fight back extra hard.  I have trouble motivating myself to run even though it makes me feel so much better.  I've decided that I need to hold myself accountable.  I'm going to start using either The Daily Mile or RunKeeper to track my workouts.  And I'm going to run another half marathon in March.  So that will get my butt in gear - I hope anyway.  I'm excited to run another race for BMM.  It's been over a year since my last one and high time for another one!

Saying Yes

Five years ago today, P asked me if I would marry him.  Saying yes was a very good decision.  We've been through so much together, and are stronger because of it.  It's fun to think back to that night five years ago.  We weren't living together at the time, and when I got to his house, he told me I had to wear a dress to his work Christmas party.  I was pissed because not only was it frigid outside, but I'd already showered and dried my hair - and I hadn't shaved my legs.  So as I stood in the shower shaving, I was fuming. Little did I know that I'd be engaged in just a few hours!  P was so nervous, and hummed all throughout dinner, which was pretty strange.  The waiters were all over us, because they were in on it and not sure it was going to happen because P kept putting it off.  Finally, after our dinners had been cleared away, the waiter came over with a dessert and two glasses of champagne and said he thought it would be nice for a celebration.  Confused, I turned to P as he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.  I was ecstatic and immediately said yes.  He claims I said "Holy $@!%", but I beg to differ :)  Either way, I'd say it worked out pretty well!

Solo Run

P gave me the best gift this weekend: a solo run.  He took Pete out to run errands and I went running sans jogging stroller for the first time in a long time.  It was glorious.  And I needed it.  It's kinda sad that an average 9:24 pace felt fast, but I really didn't care.   I was just happy to be running.  And Bailey was too! I remembered how fun it is to run with just her.  She's a pretty good running buddy and I think know she much prefers running with just me, rather than with me and the stroller.  But she's always a good sport about it either way!  And it is insane that it's this warm in December - I still think we need a treadmill, but I'll take this mild weather while I can.

So thanks P - you made my day!  And when this running mama is happy, it benefits everyone :)

THANKSGIVING

Today, I am thankful for many things.  I am happier than I have been in years.  Maybe ever.  I feel content and while it scares the crap out of me, I'm trying to just go with it:

I am thankful for Brienna.  I used to be a very insecure and self-conscious person.  I compared myself to everyone and always found fault ... with myself.  It was something I struggled with and worked on for years.  When we found out that our baby was sick, so many people told us how brave and how strong we were.  And all I could think was, "we don't have an effing choice!!!" How does that make us strong?"  And I didn't feel strong.  I felt like I could lose it at any moment and sometimes, I did.  But you know what, I am strong.  I read a quote on another blog: you never know how STRONG you are until STRONG is your only option.  I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  Brienna made me strong.  That's not to say that I don't occasionally struggle with insecurities, but not like I used to.  I know what I'm made of now.  And I like me.  I am comfortable in my own skin.  And if I feel insecure, I remind myself that I've walked some pretty rough terrain and am better for it.  I will forever be grateful to her for that gift.

I am thankful for my sister.  Despite the fact that for the better part of two years, I was locked in my own little world of hurt and took very little interest in anyone (or anything) else, she didn't give up on me.  I love her for that.  We're closer than ever now and it feels really good.

I am thankful for P.  We celebrated our four year anniversary last month.  We have dealt with a lot in our four years and yet we're a stronger couple because of it.  He is the love of my life.

I am thankful for running.  It really does help keep me sane.  It also is a confidence booster.  P, Pete, Bailey and I ran our own Turkey Trot this morning (I couldn't find one in our area that was jogger and pet friendly!) and it was the perfect way to start my day.

Lastly, I am thankful for Pete.  He is the light of my life and I love everything about him.  I am sure every new parent feels this way, but I stare at him with wonder and amazement and am beyond proud of him.  He has made me happier than I ever thought I could be and I can't thank him enough for it.  He is such a lovable, fun little boy and I truly cannot believe he's mine :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Best Laid Plans ...

I have been having trouble motivating myself to exercise.  I'm not sure why.  I know how much better it makes me feel, and yet there are days I just can't get out the door.  Then there are days when I do get out the door and things don't go as planned.  Today, I was all geared up and ready to go but as I strapped Pete into the stroller, he started screaming.  And wouldn't settle down.  So we went back inside so he could take a nap.  I'm not sure who was more disappointed - me, or Bailey.  Poor thing had her collar and leash on and was all excited.  Once I settled the man in for a nap, I lost all my motivation to run.  And then had fast food for lunch.  Talk about going in opposite directions.  BOO.

I guess I should have planned things a little better ... and days like today really make me wish our treadmill wasn't lost in the flood.   And that perhaps, we should ask Santa for a new one!  Sometimes it seems like the littlest things derail me.  I should have done something while Pete napped, and now I can't even remember what I did do.  I know that everyone has bad days, but sometimes when the bad days run together, I have a hard time remembering that this too shall pass.

Sorry for the whiny post.  I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Where Did My Baby Go?

Pete seems to have changed overnight.  I picked him up this morning and he felt huge.  Like he literally gained weight between the time he went to sleep last night and woke up today.  How does time move so quickly??  I am already nostalgic for the days when he would just curl up and fall asleep on me.  Now, he's so interested in everything around him that he hates to be still.  He was exhausted tonight and fell asleep in my arms while nursing.  He sighed his contented baby sighs and laid in my arms and I just held him and rocked him and tried to savor the moment.  It was the best part of my day. 

Not So Good

So last week's goals were not accomplished.  Like not even a little bit.  I shouldn't make excuses, but I'm going to anyway.  I ran on Tuesday 2.71 miles in 26:59 - my first sub-10:00 min/mile post Pete run!!!  But then I ended up working Tuesday night 11P-3A, which threw my whole Wednesday off.  I worked on 16+ hours on Thursday from 11A-3A, which threw my Friday off.  And then I worked 7A-7P both Saturday and Sunday.  So my weekend was shot.  I'm trying to figure out how I can get up before the 7AM shifts and run, but with feeding Pete and/or pumping, I'd have to get up at 4:45 and working 12 hours on my feet is long.  But I need to figure something out.

I ran 3 miles today, my fastest yet!  I was pretty happy.  I did it in 28:54, a 9:38 pace.  Pete is out of his car seat carrier in the stroller, so I think that has helped my pace considerably.  Though the last .2 miles I was struggling.  I might have gone a bit too fast for me right now, but it felt good for the most part.

I've decided that paying for Weight Watchers is stupid.  It's $17/month, which isn't a lot, but it's an unnecessary expense.  And I didn't really care for their new PointsPlus system.  So, I'll use myfitnesspal instead.  It's free and so easy.  I had used it when I was pregnant because they have a gain weight option, but it didn't last, haha.  So hopefully this time will be better.  I basically know what I need to do and it involves more exercise!  And not eating my body weight in peanut M&Ms :)

MOVEmber

It is time to start getting serious about losing this baby weight. The last few weeks months, I've pretty much given myself a free pass to eat whatever I want. Not good. I weighed myself today, and I weigh the exact same as a week after Pete was born. It's not even that bad of a number, but it's a significant amount higher than where I want to be! And I want my skinny jeans to look good. I can wear them, but they don't look very good.

Pete is six months old now, which means he is no longer exclusively breastfed. He started on solids last week, so it seems like a good time to start my Weight Watchers journey. I used WW before I got married in 2007 and it worked amazingly well. I lost about 20 pounds and was so proud of myself. After Brienna was born, Pat had to force me remind me to eat every day, so the pounds kind of melted off. I was also running more than I ever had before, and all that combined to get me to the skinniest I think I'd ever been. If I'm being totally honest, I was probably a bit too skinny. So for now, I'd like to lose 6-8 pounds. And more importantly, I want to exercise - regularly.

So my goal for this week is to stick to the WW plan and exercise at least three times. I also need to drink more water. Wish me luck!

Halloween

Last year, I wrote this poem for Brienna:

In my head I wonder about what you would be.

A tiger? A princess? The world's cutest monkey?

Your dad and I discuss it, he's the only one who knows.

What it's like to imagine but never get to know.

I ooh and I ahh at all the other kids,

but inside my heart is breaking for what shouldn't be, is.

It will never be the same for us, it really isn't fair.

You are up in Heaven, while I am stuck down here.

I miss you sweet Brienna,

I see you only in my dreams.

I love you baby girl.

And so tonight I whisper, Happy Halloween.

And this year, though I miss her more than words can ever describe, I'm smiling because of my little man:

How can I not? He's so darn adorable!

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

L.O.V.E.

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

Update

The last time I posted, I was awaiting a miscarriage. It happened. The physical pain was way worse than I thought it would be, mostly because I didn't know if it was normal. I was curled up on the bathroom floor, puking and just miserable. I called the doctor's office crying and they called in pain medications for me. Pat left work early and brought them home for me, but the worst of it was over by that point. So I used them to dull the mental pain.

We decided to take a break from the whole trying to get pregnant thing. We were just plain worn out. About six weeks after the miscarriage, I still hadn't gotten my period. I had been spotting and spotting and just waiting for it to come, but it never did. So on Friday August 20, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. So I went out and bought 5 more. All positive.

I called the MD office on Monday and they scheduled me for blood work. My beta was really high, so they scheduled an ultrasound. I was seven weeks pregnant. Go figure. We had about 6 ultrasounds and everything was normal. So at 12 weeks, I graduated from the RE to my OB.

My AFP was abnormal (which is apparently normal after having a T18 baby) so I had a level II ultrasound and everything looked great. I tried my best to relax and enjoy, but it was hard. I was so afraid to get attached. But it was too late, I was already in love. We opted to keep gender a surprise and settled in for a hopefully normal pregnancy.

Fast forward to April 26, 2011. I'm 6 days overdue and scheduled to be induced the next day. But our munchkin had other plans. I wake up and just feel different. Lots of Braxton-Hicks, and figure I shouldn't make plans. Pat asks before leaving for work if he should pack a bag. I say yes, just in case.

11:30 - call the doctor, tell them contractions are 11 minutes apart.

12:30 - no progress. Decide to get a manicure, pedicure and have eyebrows threaded.

2:45 - talk to Pat. He says he's going to leave work early, I tell him not to bother, since contractions are only 8 minutes apart.

3:15 - contractions 5 minutes apart. Text Pat, might be a good idea to leave early.

3:30 - call MD, they say head to hospital.  Call Pat. COME HOME NOW.

4:00 - leave for hospital in rush hour traffic. Contractions are 3 minutes apart. Arrive at hospital by 5. They take one look at me and say, oh dear. Go right upstairs and find out in full blown labor.  Admitted.

6:30 - glorious, glorious epidural.

7:00 - MD says I'll have a baby tonight.

8:30 - MD says let's do some practice pushes.

8:37 - MD says he's going to get gloves on and that whatever I do, don't push!

8:38 - One final push and the munchkin arrives!!!!

Pat says "It's a boy!" and I think to myself, oh my god. He's huge. Turns out he's 9 lbs. 14 oz!! I just laugh. And then cry my eyes out.

I am totally in love with him. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him for about 6 months and I loved every minute of it.

He is such a fun, cute little man and makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

Blast from the Past

It's been 19 months and 1 day since Brienna died. Really? How is that possible? I have no idea. I've been so sad and emotional lately. Everything with this pregnancy reminds me of Brienna and I love it, but get sad at the same time. On Saturday, I wore maternity jeans for the first time since June 2, 2009. It felt so weird. I am carrying so differently with this baby and just can't get away with what I did with Brienna. She was so good to me. I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable, nothing looks good and I just am blah. I don't think it was like that with Brienna ... I remember being uncomfortable right around this time, but it went away. I feel like now, if I eat more than the tiniest bit, I have heartburn and feel like crap. Yet I'm starving and eating everything in sight. I've gained more weight already, and feel like I look huge. And yet none of it matters. I just want to bring this baby home ... I want to hear he/she cry and I worry about it at the same time. SIGH.