And Then Everything Changed

It was just three short years ago that my world was altered.  I was naively happily pregnant when I listened to a voicemail from my OB's office on 12/16/2008.  I called back and was told that the doctor would call me.  In the back of my head, I thought that probably wasn't good.  The office closes at 4; he called at 6PM - from his cellphone.  Then I knew it was bad.  He told me that my AFP was abnormal, but not to panic.  He told me the possible things that could be wrong with my baby.  I went online, found the Trisomy 18 website and the first words I saw were "incompatible with life".  I panicked.  P was at an event for work.  I called him and asked him to come home.  I never do that and he was home in a flash.  We read everything we could, cried and made the decision to have an amniocentesis, the only way to positively know if our baby would be ok. Three years ago today (can you tell I'm a bit date obsessed) we had our amnio.  Our doctor was one of the nicest I've ever met.  Everything looked okay, he didn't see any outward signs of T18, but the amnio would confirm.  This is what I wrote then:

"Friday was maybe the longest day of my life. Our appt was at 9:45, so we got up early and were there in plenty of time. They did a level II ultrasound prior to the amnio to look for characteristics of Trisomy 18. During the ultrasound, we learned that Toot is measuring very small ... Based on a May 28 due date, Toot should have been measuring 17 weeks, 1 day, but was only measuring 16 weeks, 2 days. Small gestational age is a sign of Trisomy 18. According to the doctor, everything else looked okay, but it was hard to get a good enough look because of how small Toot is.


I am trying so hard to stay positive, but at the same time, am so afraid of what we will find out ... I can't imagine seeing your own child struggle with developmental disabilities, not being able to ever be independent. It just is almost too hard to fathom. You spend your whole life dreaming of a happy, healthy baby. Then you actually conceive, a miracle in it's own right and you just can't stop thinking about the future. Everything immediately becomes about the baby. You imagine the endless possibilities that await your precious child and to find out that may not happen is just heartbreaking. I feel like my heart is literally aching. It hurts to just exist right now.

I think the hardest part is waiting. They did a FISH test with the amnio, so we might know something as soon as Tuesday. But, our doctor told us that it's not 100% reliable and not to "bet the ranch" on the results. P and I know that no matter what, we're not going to change anything. Terminating the pregnancy is just not an option for us. I think God has a plan, and in these last few days, I've prayed more than I have in a long time. In one sense, I have this weird calm that everything will be okay. And I know, no matter what happens, P and I will be okay. If anything, these last few days have showed me that our love and our marriage is stronger than I could have imagined. We have each other, and will get through this.

While part of me has that sense of calm, the other is right on the edge of panicking. It's like I can't let myself believe that something could be wrong, but at the same time, I'm afraid to think that everything could be okay. It has to be okay. Our baby has to be healthy. How can it not? My emotions are all over the place, and it's hard to just function. P has been a pillar of strength; I wish I could be more like him. He said that he just needs things to be as normal as possible. While I on the other hand, don't know how to act normal. I haven't gone to work, I'm not sleeping and to top it all off, I think I have strep throat. And it's Christmas this week. I don't know how I'm going to see our families and pretend everything is fine. We might just skip Christmas. I love seeing our families on Christmas. But I just don't know if I can ..."

I have no idea how I survived.  I am so glad I wrote things down so I can look back and see how far I've come. This time of year is always hard for me.  Depression rears its ugly head and I have to fight back extra hard.  I have trouble motivating myself to run even though it makes me feel so much better.  I've decided that I need to hold myself accountable.  I'm going to start using either The Daily Mile or RunKeeper to track my workouts.  And I'm going to run another half marathon in March.  So that will get my butt in gear - I hope anyway.  I'm excited to run another race for BMM.  It's been over a year since my last one and high time for another one!