Will to Live

Pat is away this weekend and I am petrified that something is going to happen to him. Like crying, can't sleep, palpitations when I think about it petrified. I am pretty sure that he is my reason to live. If you told me today that I had to choose between him and having babies, I would choose him. Without hesitation. He is going to be away for four nights. He's going hiking/camping on a trip that I was originally supposed to go on but all the girls backed out and now it's just Pat and his friend John. It will be much less awkward for all involved without me there, but we'd been looking forward to it for awhile.

I was literally sobbing when he left this morning. I got home from work and we laid in bed for 25 minutes and all I could think was "what if this is the last time?" I can picture myself getting the phone call or a police officer coming to the door. I can picture myself at the cemetery having to say goodbye and it is miserable. It's crippling. I literally do not know how I would survive life without him. I wouldn't want to. And I know that sounds dramatic, but I just don't think I would. He is my best friend and the one person I love more than anyone else in this world. I miss him already and it's only been five hours.

My sister had sent me this quote last week because she said it reminded her of Pat and I. When I first read it, I thought it was cute. And now I read it and think it means he is going to die and these are his last words to me. "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robbin to Winnie the Pooh.

I am hoping that this is all just irrational anxiety. It has to be, right? But how do I snap out of it? How do I stop and say, he will be fine. It feels like a black cloud is following us and it would just be our luck for something to happen. I just want him to come home to me safely. I want to lay next to him, breathe him in and tell him I love him. Over and over and over again. I need him because he is my everything.