Wondering

I am jealous. Pat told me today that his cousin is pregnant. Great for them, but breaks my heart. She is 24 and has been married less than a year. I want it to be me. When he told me, my first reaction was to cry. Then I thought, "will it ever be us?". But the thing is, it was us. Those first 17 weeks were awesome. We were happily pregnant, loving the fact that we could share this amazing news with everyone. We were so innocent, maybe even naive. I loved being pregnant. Those stupid "25 things you didn't know about me" on Facebook from a year ago? One of mine was I love being pregnant. Despite what I knew, despite the fact that I didn't know if Toot would live, I truly loved it. I had never felt more beautiful and I just loved having this little life inside me. I understood the miracle of it and knew how fortunate I was to be pregnant.

I want that experience again. Granted, it will never be the same. Ever. Even with this latest pregnancy, I didn't get attached or get excited. Despite the fact that I cautiously looked forward to Feb 4, 2011 (the due date), I knew too much about what could go wrong. And sure enough, it did. I hope beyond hope that we are able to get pregnant again. But I also know, I'll never be truly comfortable. I will always wonder about what might be going wrong, or if we'll actually end up with a baby that comes home with us.

The first time, I thought if we made it out of the first trimester, everything would be fine. We waited until we were 14 weeks along before we told anyone. Three weeks later, devastation (or so we thought at the time). The second time, I just held my breath and hoped and then was let down. If it happens again, I wonder if there will be a magic time when I feel okay about things. Somehow I doubt it. I will wonder if there is a lurking chromosomal abnormality that won't get picked up on ultrasound right away. I will wonder about placenta abruption and every other nightmare scenario. I'll wonder about premature birth and the after effects. Nothing will make me feel safe. And in truth, we're never safe. Even if we have a healthy baby, it means nothing. You can't take anything for granted, because you just never know ...

But I want the chance. I'll live with the fear and anxiety because I want to believe that we'll end up with a healthy baby. I want it to be me again. And I'm nervous that it never will ...

Will to Live

Pat is away this weekend and I am petrified that something is going to happen to him. Like crying, can't sleep, palpitations when I think about it petrified. I am pretty sure that he is my reason to live. If you told me today that I had to choose between him and having babies, I would choose him. Without hesitation. He is going to be away for four nights. He's going hiking/camping on a trip that I was originally supposed to go on but all the girls backed out and now it's just Pat and his friend John. It will be much less awkward for all involved without me there, but we'd been looking forward to it for awhile.

I was literally sobbing when he left this morning. I got home from work and we laid in bed for 25 minutes and all I could think was "what if this is the last time?" I can picture myself getting the phone call or a police officer coming to the door. I can picture myself at the cemetery having to say goodbye and it is miserable. It's crippling. I literally do not know how I would survive life without him. I wouldn't want to. And I know that sounds dramatic, but I just don't think I would. He is my best friend and the one person I love more than anyone else in this world. I miss him already and it's only been five hours.

My sister had sent me this quote last week because she said it reminded her of Pat and I. When I first read it, I thought it was cute. And now I read it and think it means he is going to die and these are his last words to me. "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robbin to Winnie the Pooh.

I am hoping that this is all just irrational anxiety. It has to be, right? But how do I snap out of it? How do I stop and say, he will be fine. It feels like a black cloud is following us and it would just be our luck for something to happen. I just want him to come home to me safely. I want to lay next to him, breathe him in and tell him I love him. Over and over and over again. I need him because he is my everything.

Worry

I am overcome with anxiety. I have this distinct feeling that everything I love in life is going to vanish. Or that tragedy lurks in places I can't see ... that something bad is going to happen to everyone I love and I'll be left here to pick up the pieces of a life I don't want.

Pat leaves the house and I'm a wreck. What if something happens to him while he's in the car? What if he's mugged on his way to work? What if a mass murderer knocks on the door when I'm not home and kills him? I went for a run the other day and was petrified the whole time that I was going to run into someone that wanted to rape me. But that he would kill Bailey before he did it. I was practically sprinting, just to get home to safety.

I know I can't live like this, and believe me, I talk to my crazy lady about it. But I only take Ativan at night, because I don't want to be in a fog during the day. I am petrified it will make me less alert and miss the opportunity to stop said tragedy from occurring. Some people lead tragic lives. Part of me says we've had our fair share of tragedy, the other part of me says the black cloud is following me and I have to do everything in my power to avoid getting rained on.

My dad used to have a quote on our refrigerator, because I worried a lot growing up too. It said, "Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere." And I know that's the case, but when the panic hits, it takes over and all my fears seem so real ...

Missing Brienna

I miss my baby. So much. Sometimes, I can be sitting on the couch, watching TV with Pat and the ache for her is so great, it takes my breath away and I'm reduced to tears ... she's never coming back :( Sometimes I don't think I can go through the rest of my life without her. I long for her and wish with all my heart that she was here with us ... I came across this poem on Becki's blog and hope she doesn't mind that I'm borrowing it:

For a short time, I had your body in my body.

I carried your belly in my belly.

And now, though I have your heart in my heart and feel your soul in my soul,

I will never have your hand in my hand.

I miss your life in my life.

So perfect.

Missing you Brienna Marie. Always and forever.

Painful Reality

I thought I had resigned myself to the fact that this miscarriage was going to happen. I thought I was okay with it, that I could handle it and that everything was going to be okay. I was painfully wrong.

I had been spotting/bleeding since about Monday. I called to check in with the MD like they told me to and was basically just waiting. Friday morning, bleeding seemed to really increase. I was trying to be "normal" and was preparing to go out and run some errands when I figured I'd call the doctor's office. Typically, I call in, ask for the nurse's line and leave a message. Everyone there has been nothing but nice to both Pat and I. This time, however, was different. When I reached the nurse's line to leave a message, I said who I was and that I was calling in as asked to provide an update on the progress of my miscarriage. The woman on the phone paused and then said "um yeah ... this is an INFERTILITY clinic." I paused in disbelief as tears welled up in my eyes and said, "yes, I realize that. I've been there for months and calling to check in for the past two weeks". Without saying a word, she transferred me to someone else so I could leave a message for the nurse to call me back. I was stunned and pissed and amazed that anyone could so easily disregard the fact that a person was having a miscarriage.

After I left a message, I was so sad and teary that I decided to not go out. Which ended up being a very good thing. I laid on the couch and decided to watch a movie. I wasn't feeling very good, and started having some serious cramping. The nurse called back at that point, and I told her how I was feeling, etc. Things were fine. About an hour later, the pain was so bad, I threw up (only other time that's ever happened was in labor). I was doubled over in pain and so nervous, because I had no idea what was supposed to be happening. I was crying at that point and called the nurse back and she assured me this was normal and called in an Rx for Vicodin and Zofran for me. I called Pat at work and he left early to pick them up for me.

The pain had majorly decreased at this point and I went to the bathroom again, because it seemed like the only thing to do. As I peed, I passed these huge blood clots. I was scared, so picked them out of the toilet to examine them. I didn't know what to do, but was crying and just so sad. By the time Pat got home, the pain wasn't enough to need medicine. I felt physically okay. Mentally, I felt so defeated. I knew that wasn't the end of it, but at least knew what had caused the pain. The nurse had told me, if the Vicodin doesn't control the pain, go to the ER and if the pain lasts more than 24 hours, go to the ER. Luckily, that wasn't necessary.

Later that night, as I was wiping from going to the bathroom, I felt more clot that wouldn't come off on the tissue. This is so gross, but it was this huge hunk of tissue that I basically had to pull out of myself because it was stuck there. I have no idea if that was the right thing to do or not ... but I couldn't just leave it there. That seemed like the worst of it, but now I feel some pretty serious cramping again. I'm still passing clots and just passed more tissue. I have no idea if this is normal or not. I'm not doubled over in pain by any means (I'm blogging, so it clearly isn't bad), but this is how things started on Friday and I'm worried about what that means. Should I take some pain meds to stay on top of it? Or will doing that mask the symptoms?

With everything that's happened, I feel like there is a black cloud following me. I'm petrified I'm going to hemorrhage or something. Like if something can go wrong, it will. Because it's me. I'm petrified something is going to happen to Pat or Bailey. I'm just a wreck in general. Part of me says "it's just a miscarriage". The other part of me is devastated. I feel so empty and defeated. Not like when Brienna died, but empty nonetheless. And inadequate. And just sad. I see the doctor again on Wednesday and kinda wish it was tomorrow. I just wish I knew what was normal ... that I knew if this was supposed to be happening.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I thought it would be relatively pain-free. How wrong I was ... on so many levels.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Pat and I were driving home last night when Somewhere Over the Rainbow (the Israel Kamakawiwo version) came on. As tears started welling up in my eyes, Pat said, "this song makes me sad." I started sobbing at that point and cried almost the whole way home. Sometimes, I just cannot believe that Brienna is gone. That we are surviving this. It's incredible how the pain is still so acute. How I ache for her. We talked so much on the ride home. We talked about getting tattoos, something we've talked about since June 2, 2009 but never did anything about. This time, we really talked about it. We talked about what they'd say, where they'd be. And I think we might do it. Together. Which makes me happy. I want to be marked on the outside, because I am certainly marked on the inside.

I love you and I miss you so much Brienna Marie ...

Hope

I just read a book called After You by Julie Buxbaum ... it was excellent and a part of it really stuck with me. I had a conversation with a friend about hope the other day. How it's a double-edged sword. Hope is the only thing that got me through Brienna's pregnancy ... without, I would have been even more of a mess than I was! Yet is also can be devastating ...

The quote in the book that resonated with me is, "Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can't find a heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion."

If I could add to that, I would say hope is the moment before they tell you your daughter isn't breathing, that she has no heartbeat. Hope is being convinced she'll be born alive, only to have her be born still. Hope is getting pregnant again, thinking you paid your dues already only to have a miscarriage.

Hope really is a double-edged sword ... it gets you through life, but it can break your heart too.

Where Have I Been?

I have no idea ...

It's been over a year since my baby died. That is a tough pill to swallow. I worry that because it's been that long, people will think I should be "better" or "moving on". To them I say, screw you. It doesn't hurt any less that Brienna isn't here ... I miss her with every fiber of my being. I think about her first thing in the morning, all throughout the day and as I attempt to fall asleep at night. Her not being here SUCKS. There is no way to sugar coat it ...

After our long struggle to get pregnant, we decided to see an RE. It had been a year, and we really want more kids. So, we went to the RE and guess what - pregnant. Ironic right? But as appears to be the case with us, things did not go as planned. Beta's didn't double right away, but then did and to make a long story short, I'm having a miscarriage. At 8 weeks 2 days, our little baby had no more heartbeat :( We are so sad. I'm now at 10 weeks and waiting for the miscarriage to happen. It's a strange time. I finally started seeing some spotting last night, so I think my body is doing what it's supposed to do, but it has not been a fun couple of weeks. The loss of this baby exacerbates Bri.enna not being here. I would like to avoid misoprostol or a D&C, so am praying my body works. We deserve at least that right?

On the house front (oh yeah, did I mention my house flooded back in March? A 500-year flood happened and our entire basement and 26" of our first floor were filled with nasty, brown water). Good times. We're hoping to be back there in 6-8 weeks though, which will be so nice. I miss it. I miss my safe spot, my comfort zone. We saved all of BMM's things, so that was really all that mattered to me. But we lost a lot of stuff. Insurance pays for some of it, so we're lucky. At this point, we just want to go home.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Lucky me, huh?