Scattered thoughts ...

It has again been too long since I've posted anything! I need to get better at this :) It's been kind of a whirlwind the last few weeks and it doesn't seem like things are slowing down anytime soon. I can't tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing ...

We met with our new MFM doctor last week, which was fine. I miss the familiarity of my old office, but know that it's much better to deliver at W&I, because if Toot is doing okay, this is the place she needs to be. Our MD is nice enough, but basically said that if we don't deliver by 39 weeks, I'd need to be induced. She'd be willing to let me get to 40 weeks, but anything beyond that is just a waiting game for preeclampsia ... I am not thrilled about that, because I really and truly do not want to have to make a decision about induction. That being said, if we do have to be induced, part of me wonders if I want to be induced on the 18th since that is the due date in my heart and that way it would always and forever be Toot's ... mostly, I'm just praying that Toot has her own agenda. I feel like it's a lot to ask a little girl, but I really hope she comes when she is ready and that we're not forced to choose the date ... how do you choose the day your baby might die? It's just not something I think I can do ... She also said that we wouldn't have any more ultrasounds, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either. I love looking at Toot and want to know how she is progressing ... I understand we're not going to have weekly looks, but I think one more before she is born isn't too much to ask, is it?

The biggest thing on my mind lately has been saying goodbye ... I feel so morbid talking about it, but it's just our reality and one of the things that I lay awake at night thinking about ... It hurts when I do think about it, but I just can't seem to stop ... we have some big decisions to make in the coming weeks. I think I've mentioned this before, but my husband and I don't live in a place where we are planning on staying. Within the next three years, we plan on moving out of state back to MA (most likely closer to my parents). Because of that, I don't want to bury Toot here. But, I don't want to bury her in MA either, because I have no idea where we'll end up ... and I don't want her that far away during the next few years. Pat and I have been talking a lot about cremation (something I never thought we'd even consider), but I just found out that the Catholic church doesn't believe in cremation and therefore we wouldn't be able to have a true funeral for Toot. I want to have a funeral for Toot and I think she deserves to have that ... but I also can't bear the thought of having her far away ... yet at the same time, I envisioned her being laid to rest with a blanket and rosary beads and surrounded by all the things she's been given along this journey, which wouldn't happen if we chose cremation. Yet again, how do I choose the outfit to bury my daughter in? I feel so conflicted so much of the time, I just don't know how to make the right decision. If we choose cremation, Toot could be with us until we settle into a place we're going to be for the foreseeable future and we can eventually bury her with us, wherever we choose to be buried. That feels like the best option for us right now, but I feel like I change my mind every day ... I want to have things in place now though, because I know I don't want to do this when the time comes for us to be rushing to the hospital!

It is so strange to think of where we are now, compared to where we were a few months ago. I never thought I could have this conversation, yet here we are, discussing it like it's almost normal ... ugh.

Speaking of normal, we have so much going on the next few weeks. Easter weekend was crazy because my brother and his family were in town (more on that in another post hopefully) and this weekend we start demolition on our kitchen. Probably not the best timing in the world, but we're redoing our kitchen next week and I can't wait. It will certainly be stressful, but our current kitchen is hideous and it will be so nice to have a new one!! The following weekend I am working and hosting a bridal shower, then we have a weekend off and then it's Mother's Day (I'm working) and then I have a bachelorette party for my best friend. Then it's May 18. We have SO much going on, which in one sense is good because I still love distractions. But on our weekend "off", (May 1-3), I think we might try and go away. I feel like we just need a quiet weekend for a little family vacation ... I have this vision of Pat, Toot, B and I walking on the beach and just savoring our time together ... it makes me sad to think it might be one of our last weekends with Toot, but I think it would be nice to get away just the three of us ...