I am feeling so strange these days. I'm back working nights, which makes me tired and therefore emotional, so I'm sure that's contributing to how I feel, but I just cannot believe that I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks ... and saying goodbye to my precious daughter that I love more than I knew possible.
Every once in a while I'll just be going about my day and then get hit with this gut wrenching feeling that Toot's not going to around much longer ... I'm so trying to treasure these last few weeks: every kick, every movement makes my heart sing; I've been reading books to her, and just trying to tell her everything that I won't get to when she's gone. It is so hard. And I am so not ready to do this. And I just cannot imagine not being pregnant. I feel like it just defines who I am now ... and once I'm not pregnant, who am I? I feel like I'm going to just be lost ... I love being pregnant. I love knowing that my sweet Toot is safe and cozy and warm in my belly. It's like the one thing that I somewhat have control over ... so what happens after she's born??
I had a bridal shower this weekend for one of my best friends. All the bridesmaids got there early to set up and when I got there, my friend's daughter was there. She's five months old and of course adorable. I never in a million years expected her to be there (why, I don't know) and I felt kinda blindsided. Of course I went and said hi (I hadn't her since she was born, before we knew about T18) but I cried when I did because it just struck me as so not fair that Toot doesn't get a fair shot at life ... then I felt bad for crying. And then I wondered if it would ever get easier? And I don't know that it will ... and then I heard the "you'll have kids someday" and I got pissed. Because I want this kid. I know and love Toot for who she is and I want so badly to watch her grow up ... I do hope and pray that someday we are blessed with a healthy family, but I will never for one minute forget about Toot. She is my precious daughter that I love and have bonded with and sometimes, I just don't think people on the outside get that ...
I didn't know about the shower and seeing Sadie...that stinks :( In a way I'm happy you cried though. Maybe it will help some people realize more how difficult it is for you. I hope you're blessed with a healthy family someday too, but Toot is and always will be part of your family and I just want you to know, I will never forget that.
ReplyDeleteCan't stop thinking about you...love ya