I am feeling so strange these days. I'm back working nights, which makes me tired and therefore emotional, so I'm sure that's contributing to how I feel, but I just cannot believe that I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks ... and saying goodbye to my precious daughter that I love more than I knew possible.
Every once in a while I'll just be going about my day and then get hit with this gut wrenching feeling that Toot's not going to around much longer ... I'm so trying to treasure these last few weeks: every kick, every movement makes my heart sing; I've been reading books to her, and just trying to tell her everything that I won't get to when she's gone. It is so hard. And I am so not ready to do this. And I just cannot imagine not being pregnant. I feel like it just defines who I am now ... and once I'm not pregnant, who am I? I feel like I'm going to just be lost ... I love being pregnant. I love knowing that my sweet Toot is safe and cozy and warm in my belly. It's like the one thing that I somewhat have control over ... so what happens after she's born??
I had a bridal shower this weekend for one of my best friends. All the bridesmaids got there early to set up and when I got there, my friend's daughter was there. She's five months old and of course adorable. I never in a million years expected her to be there (why, I don't know) and I felt kinda blindsided. Of course I went and said hi (I hadn't her since she was born, before we knew about T18) but I cried when I did because it just struck me as so not fair that Toot doesn't get a fair shot at life ... then I felt bad for crying. And then I wondered if it would ever get easier? And I don't know that it will ... and then I heard the "you'll have kids someday" and I got pissed. Because I want this kid. I know and love Toot for who she is and I want so badly to watch her grow up ... I do hope and pray that someday we are blessed with a healthy family, but I will never for one minute forget about Toot. She is my precious daughter that I love and have bonded with and sometimes, I just don't think people on the outside get that ...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
NILMDTS
When I first learned of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization, I spent hours scouring their website. I cried over the pictures they posted, the stories they told and couldn't imagine being able to see photos of myself and Toot. After talking with several people about how invaluable their pictures were, I searched for some photographers in my area and came across Sharon Reiley. I think I might have broken the rules when I contacted her directly, but once I saw her website, I just knew that this who I wanted to take pictures of Toot. I loved her website and loved her pictures. Then I found out that Sharon sadly and suddenly lost her firstborn son Owen two weeks before he was due to be born ... if anyone would understand what we're going through, it was her.
Sharon responded to my email instantly, and said she would be happy to help us. We met Sharon on April 14 when she came to our house for a maternity photo shoot. I was incredibly nervous, not just because I generally hate pictures of myself, but because I just wasn't sure what to expect ... I didn't think our house would photograph well, couldn't imagine where we would take pictures, how they would come out, etc. I needn't have worried because Sharon was awesome. She had sent us an email with some sample pictures to browse through, and also brought a book for us to look at ... we told her what we liked and didn't like and she got to work.
It was an incredibly emotional day ... one of those that I got through okay (or so I thought) but was really draining and caught up with me later in the afternoon. Sharon had said it would take several weeks to get the pictures, so I was surprised to get an email from her on Tuesday saying that she had mailed a disc with the photos. In her email, she cautioned me about looking at the pictures, "I feel I should warn you, these images are extremely powerful. I want to make sure you are prepared before you view them. It will be very difficult for you to look at them. They are filled with so much emotion, love, joy, and sadness... My heart aches to look at them. Please, make sure you look at them with Patrick together."
Needless to say, I was very anxious to see these pictures! But I am so glad that P and I made sure we were ready, because Sharon was right. They were incredibly powerful and emotional. I had no idea how sad we looked and just how much emotion you can really capture on film ... I usually hate pictures of myself, but these I love. I feel like Toot makes me see myself a little differently, if that makes any sense at all. Instead of critiquing every picture looking for flaws, I just looked at them and saw them for what they were. It's our little family and now I'll forever have us captured on film ... I am so grateful to Sharon for this gift.
We're so hoping that Sharon is able to be at Toot's birth. I feel so comfortable with her, and am keeping my fingers crossed that the timing works out okay! Sharon now has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, so can't just drop everything at a moment's notice but said she would do everything in her power to be there for us. I am confident it will work out, because sometimes, these things just do.
Sharon responded to my email instantly, and said she would be happy to help us. We met Sharon on April 14 when she came to our house for a maternity photo shoot. I was incredibly nervous, not just because I generally hate pictures of myself, but because I just wasn't sure what to expect ... I didn't think our house would photograph well, couldn't imagine where we would take pictures, how they would come out, etc. I needn't have worried because Sharon was awesome. She had sent us an email with some sample pictures to browse through, and also brought a book for us to look at ... we told her what we liked and didn't like and she got to work.
It was an incredibly emotional day ... one of those that I got through okay (or so I thought) but was really draining and caught up with me later in the afternoon. Sharon had said it would take several weeks to get the pictures, so I was surprised to get an email from her on Tuesday saying that she had mailed a disc with the photos. In her email, she cautioned me about looking at the pictures, "I feel I should warn you, these images are extremely powerful. I want to make sure you are prepared before you view them. It will be very difficult for you to look at them. They are filled with so much emotion, love, joy, and sadness... My heart aches to look at them. Please, make sure you look at them with Patrick together."
Needless to say, I was very anxious to see these pictures! But I am so glad that P and I made sure we were ready, because Sharon was right. They were incredibly powerful and emotional. I had no idea how sad we looked and just how much emotion you can really capture on film ... I usually hate pictures of myself, but these I love. I feel like Toot makes me see myself a little differently, if that makes any sense at all. Instead of critiquing every picture looking for flaws, I just looked at them and saw them for what they were. It's our little family and now I'll forever have us captured on film ... I am so grateful to Sharon for this gift.
We're so hoping that Sharon is able to be at Toot's birth. I feel so comfortable with her, and am keeping my fingers crossed that the timing works out okay! Sharon now has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, so can't just drop everything at a moment's notice but said she would do everything in her power to be there for us. I am confident it will work out, because sometimes, these things just do.
NICU Tour and Birth Plan
It feels like it's been a pretty eventful few weeks ... last Friday, we met with a neonatologist (we loved her) toured the labor and delivery suites, postpartum floors and the NICU at the hospital where Miss Toot will make her entrance into the world! I had never set foot in this hospital, and was happy that our MFM group suggested doing this. I am such a visual person, and I kept visualizing the only place I've ever seen a baby born - where I did my OB clinical in nursing school. Seeing where we will actually deliver makes me feel better ... it makes me feel like I have some sense of control - even though I know I really don't - and just gives me a small sense of comfort that I won't be in a totally unfamiliar place.
Talking with the neonatologist was incredibly helpful. We had a pretty good idea of what we thought things would be like when Toot was born, and she helped reaffirm that our thoughts were correct. She also helped us make some decisions about oxygen, etc. should Toot be born alive. I had been totally in favor of blow by O2 for Toot should she need it, but found out that if she were on oxygen, she would need to go to the NICU after delivery. Unless she is truly thriving, we've decided that we really don't want that. We want Toot with us, whether we're still in the labor and delivery room or if we're up in our postpartum room. Toot can get oxygen in the delivery room to help pink her up if she needs it, but the main goal for us is to be with her. I am so glad I know that now. The neonatologist said that even if we have no plans for Toot to go to the NICU, she can still be at the birth as a support for us. That just meant so much to me ... they are the ones who can best tell us if Toot is thriving or not, and just knowing that they'll be there if we want them to be is comforting.
We had another appointment with our MFM doctor on Tuesday (we'll see her weekly from now on) and she is growing on me! We went over our birth plan with her, and she seemed to think that everything we wanted was very reasonable and she was totally on board. I loved that. I also asked her about having another ultrasound and when I explained why, she told me that seemed "fair" and would work on setting one up for us. It's Saturday now and I haven't heard anything, but at least I know I'll see her again on Tuesday and can bug her about it then! We also talked with a social worker about our birth plan, and I just felt like they were really taking it seriously and would do everything we asked. I of course will still have nine copies with me when the time comes, but it's nice that at least it is familiar to staff that we'll be dealing with! We had some concerns about being moved immediately to a postpartum floor, and I asked if there was anywhere else in the hospital we could go. Our MD told us that we can go to a GYN surgical floor, rather than a typical postpartum floor and that made me so happy. I was nervous to be surrounded by other happy moms/babies and now don't need to worry about that. I also was concerned about our parents and sisters waiting in a waiting room with other happy, expectant families and I found out that there is another waiting area, as well as a separate meditation room where they can wait. This is going to be hard enough as it is, let alone being surrounded by happy families ...
We also talked with the social worker about funeral homes in the area ... it's so not a conversation I enjoy having, but one that is unfortunately necessary ... a few posts ago, I mentioned that the Catholic Church does not agree with cremation. I am happy to report that that information is not accurate! We still aren't sure which option we'll choose, but know that whatever we choose, Toot can have the funeral that she deserves. And that gives me a sense of peace. The cremation/burial debate is however still raging in my head. I just don't know what is right for us ... my parents offered to buy a plot in MA for us for Toot (which is where we would bury her if we choose that option) and it's just so generous of them and made me cry because they would do anything and everything they could for us ... I still think I might want Toot with us, but don't know how to choose. I talk to a social worker that I've known for almost 10 years, and she said I need to stop thinking of everything as right/wrong and black/white and just do what feels right for us now. And not to worry about months or years from now. And she is right, I just am so afraid of choosing the wrong thing ...
Talking with the neonatologist was incredibly helpful. We had a pretty good idea of what we thought things would be like when Toot was born, and she helped reaffirm that our thoughts were correct. She also helped us make some decisions about oxygen, etc. should Toot be born alive. I had been totally in favor of blow by O2 for Toot should she need it, but found out that if she were on oxygen, she would need to go to the NICU after delivery. Unless she is truly thriving, we've decided that we really don't want that. We want Toot with us, whether we're still in the labor and delivery room or if we're up in our postpartum room. Toot can get oxygen in the delivery room to help pink her up if she needs it, but the main goal for us is to be with her. I am so glad I know that now. The neonatologist said that even if we have no plans for Toot to go to the NICU, she can still be at the birth as a support for us. That just meant so much to me ... they are the ones who can best tell us if Toot is thriving or not, and just knowing that they'll be there if we want them to be is comforting.
We had another appointment with our MFM doctor on Tuesday (we'll see her weekly from now on) and she is growing on me! We went over our birth plan with her, and she seemed to think that everything we wanted was very reasonable and she was totally on board. I loved that. I also asked her about having another ultrasound and when I explained why, she told me that seemed "fair" and would work on setting one up for us. It's Saturday now and I haven't heard anything, but at least I know I'll see her again on Tuesday and can bug her about it then! We also talked with a social worker about our birth plan, and I just felt like they were really taking it seriously and would do everything we asked. I of course will still have nine copies with me when the time comes, but it's nice that at least it is familiar to staff that we'll be dealing with! We had some concerns about being moved immediately to a postpartum floor, and I asked if there was anywhere else in the hospital we could go. Our MD told us that we can go to a GYN surgical floor, rather than a typical postpartum floor and that made me so happy. I was nervous to be surrounded by other happy moms/babies and now don't need to worry about that. I also was concerned about our parents and sisters waiting in a waiting room with other happy, expectant families and I found out that there is another waiting area, as well as a separate meditation room where they can wait. This is going to be hard enough as it is, let alone being surrounded by happy families ...
We also talked with the social worker about funeral homes in the area ... it's so not a conversation I enjoy having, but one that is unfortunately necessary ... a few posts ago, I mentioned that the Catholic Church does not agree with cremation. I am happy to report that that information is not accurate! We still aren't sure which option we'll choose, but know that whatever we choose, Toot can have the funeral that she deserves. And that gives me a sense of peace. The cremation/burial debate is however still raging in my head. I just don't know what is right for us ... my parents offered to buy a plot in MA for us for Toot (which is where we would bury her if we choose that option) and it's just so generous of them and made me cry because they would do anything and everything they could for us ... I still think I might want Toot with us, but don't know how to choose. I talk to a social worker that I've known for almost 10 years, and she said I need to stop thinking of everything as right/wrong and black/white and just do what feels right for us now. And not to worry about months or years from now. And she is right, I just am so afraid of choosing the wrong thing ...
Friday, April 17, 2009
A Family Affair
P and I spent Easter weekend at my parents house, and I have to say, it was a great weekend. My brother and his family were in town for the first time since October 2007. (They lived in Oregon up until a few weeks ago, when they moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my sister-in-law's family). They were in Oregon about 5 years and while I loved it there, it was not easy to get to! It involved at least one layover and took no less than 8 hours ... it made for some long travel days! But, now that they're in WI, it's a two-hour direct flight to Boston, which hopefully means that I'll get to see a lot more of my nephews! Anyway, they were here, my sister was home and we all camped out at my parents house for the weekend. It was a full house: noisy, messy and just lots of fun. I so enjoyed being with my family, and I loved playing with those little boys! Quinn is just about three and Reece just turned one, so they are at great ages. I hadn't seen them since I went out to visit in September (pregnant with Toot, but not yet aware!) and they have changed so much!
I did well all weekend, until Sunday afternoon when we were getting ready to decorate Easter eggs with Quinn and all of a sudden I was hit with a wave of sadness that I'll never get to decorate Easter eggs with Toot. The thought just came out of the blue and made me so sad :( Then, my dad was bouncing Reece on his knee and I got sad all over again ... they were so excited to have a local grandchild and I couldn't wait to have Toot at their house all the time. It broke my heart to think of their pain ... I've been kinda selfish in only dealing with my pain, but I forget how much my parents are hurting too. Not just for Toot, but for me too. It must suck for them and I feel bad that I kinda forgot that for awhile ... they are so great though and when I talked to them about it a little, they just hugged me and said they understood. I am lucky to have such a great family and such a great example of what good parents are!
I'll leave you with a picture of our "fur baby", none too pleased to be wearing an Easter hat, haha!
I'll leave you with a picture of our "fur baby", none too pleased to be wearing an Easter hat, haha!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Scattered thoughts ...
It has again been too long since I've posted anything! I need to get better at this :) It's been kind of a whirlwind the last few weeks and it doesn't seem like things are slowing down anytime soon. I can't tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing ...
We met with our new MFM doctor last week, which was fine. I miss the familiarity of my old office, but know that it's much better to deliver at W&I, because if Toot is doing okay, this is the place she needs to be. Our MD is nice enough, but basically said that if we don't deliver by 39 weeks, I'd need to be induced. She'd be willing to let me get to 40 weeks, but anything beyond that is just a waiting game for preeclampsia ... I am not thrilled about that, because I really and truly do not want to have to make a decision about induction. That being said, if we do have to be induced, part of me wonders if I want to be induced on the 18th since that is the due date in my heart and that way it would always and forever be Toot's ... mostly, I'm just praying that Toot has her own agenda. I feel like it's a lot to ask a little girl, but I really hope she comes when she is ready and that we're not forced to choose the date ... how do you choose the day your baby might die? It's just not something I think I can do ... She also said that we wouldn't have any more ultrasounds, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either. I love looking at Toot and want to know how she is progressing ... I understand we're not going to have weekly looks, but I think one more before she is born isn't too much to ask, is it?
The biggest thing on my mind lately has been saying goodbye ... I feel so morbid talking about it, but it's just our reality and one of the things that I lay awake at night thinking about ... It hurts when I do think about it, but I just can't seem to stop ... we have some big decisions to make in the coming weeks. I think I've mentioned this before, but my husband and I don't live in a place where we are planning on staying. Within the next three years, we plan on moving out of state back to MA (most likely closer to my parents). Because of that, I don't want to bury Toot here. But, I don't want to bury her in MA either, because I have no idea where we'll end up ... and I don't want her that far away during the next few years. Pat and I have been talking a lot about cremation (something I never thought we'd even consider), but I just found out that the Catholic church doesn't believe in cremation and therefore we wouldn't be able to have a true funeral for Toot. I want to have a funeral for Toot and I think she deserves to have that ... but I also can't bear the thought of having her far away ... yet at the same time, I envisioned her being laid to rest with a blanket and rosary beads and surrounded by all the things she's been given along this journey, which wouldn't happen if we chose cremation. Yet again, how do I choose the outfit to bury my daughter in? I feel so conflicted so much of the time, I just don't know how to make the right decision. If we choose cremation, Toot could be with us until we settle into a place we're going to be for the foreseeable future and we can eventually bury her with us, wherever we choose to be buried. That feels like the best option for us right now, but I feel like I change my mind every day ... I want to have things in place now though, because I know I don't want to do this when the time comes for us to be rushing to the hospital!
It is so strange to think of where we are now, compared to where we were a few months ago. I never thought I could have this conversation, yet here we are, discussing it like it's almost normal ... ugh.
Speaking of normal, we have so much going on the next few weeks. Easter weekend was crazy because my brother and his family were in town (more on that in another post hopefully) and this weekend we start demolition on our kitchen. Probably not the best timing in the world, but we're redoing our kitchen next week and I can't wait. It will certainly be stressful, but our current kitchen is hideous and it will be so nice to have a new one!! The following weekend I am working and hosting a bridal shower, then we have a weekend off and then it's Mother's Day (I'm working) and then I have a bachelorette party for my best friend. Then it's May 18. We have SO much going on, which in one sense is good because I still love distractions. But on our weekend "off", (May 1-3), I think we might try and go away. I feel like we just need a quiet weekend for a little family vacation ... I have this vision of Pat, Toot, B and I walking on the beach and just savoring our time together ... it makes me sad to think it might be one of our last weekends with Toot, but I think it would be nice to get away just the three of us ...
We met with our new MFM doctor last week, which was fine. I miss the familiarity of my old office, but know that it's much better to deliver at W&I, because if Toot is doing okay, this is the place she needs to be. Our MD is nice enough, but basically said that if we don't deliver by 39 weeks, I'd need to be induced. She'd be willing to let me get to 40 weeks, but anything beyond that is just a waiting game for preeclampsia ... I am not thrilled about that, because I really and truly do not want to have to make a decision about induction. That being said, if we do have to be induced, part of me wonders if I want to be induced on the 18th since that is the due date in my heart and that way it would always and forever be Toot's ... mostly, I'm just praying that Toot has her own agenda. I feel like it's a lot to ask a little girl, but I really hope she comes when she is ready and that we're not forced to choose the date ... how do you choose the day your baby might die? It's just not something I think I can do ... She also said that we wouldn't have any more ultrasounds, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either. I love looking at Toot and want to know how she is progressing ... I understand we're not going to have weekly looks, but I think one more before she is born isn't too much to ask, is it?
The biggest thing on my mind lately has been saying goodbye ... I feel so morbid talking about it, but it's just our reality and one of the things that I lay awake at night thinking about ... It hurts when I do think about it, but I just can't seem to stop ... we have some big decisions to make in the coming weeks. I think I've mentioned this before, but my husband and I don't live in a place where we are planning on staying. Within the next three years, we plan on moving out of state back to MA (most likely closer to my parents). Because of that, I don't want to bury Toot here. But, I don't want to bury her in MA either, because I have no idea where we'll end up ... and I don't want her that far away during the next few years. Pat and I have been talking a lot about cremation (something I never thought we'd even consider), but I just found out that the Catholic church doesn't believe in cremation and therefore we wouldn't be able to have a true funeral for Toot. I want to have a funeral for Toot and I think she deserves to have that ... but I also can't bear the thought of having her far away ... yet at the same time, I envisioned her being laid to rest with a blanket and rosary beads and surrounded by all the things she's been given along this journey, which wouldn't happen if we chose cremation. Yet again, how do I choose the outfit to bury my daughter in? I feel so conflicted so much of the time, I just don't know how to make the right decision. If we choose cremation, Toot could be with us until we settle into a place we're going to be for the foreseeable future and we can eventually bury her with us, wherever we choose to be buried. That feels like the best option for us right now, but I feel like I change my mind every day ... I want to have things in place now though, because I know I don't want to do this when the time comes for us to be rushing to the hospital!
It is so strange to think of where we are now, compared to where we were a few months ago. I never thought I could have this conversation, yet here we are, discussing it like it's almost normal ... ugh.
Speaking of normal, we have so much going on the next few weeks. Easter weekend was crazy because my brother and his family were in town (more on that in another post hopefully) and this weekend we start demolition on our kitchen. Probably not the best timing in the world, but we're redoing our kitchen next week and I can't wait. It will certainly be stressful, but our current kitchen is hideous and it will be so nice to have a new one!! The following weekend I am working and hosting a bridal shower, then we have a weekend off and then it's Mother's Day (I'm working) and then I have a bachelorette party for my best friend. Then it's May 18. We have SO much going on, which in one sense is good because I still love distractions. But on our weekend "off", (May 1-3), I think we might try and go away. I feel like we just need a quiet weekend for a little family vacation ... I have this vision of Pat, Toot, B and I walking on the beach and just savoring our time together ... it makes me sad to think it might be one of our last weekends with Toot, but I think it would be nice to get away just the three of us ...
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