Throughout this entire journey, one of the things I've had a hard time wrapping my head around is the uncertainty of what's to come. How long will Toot be safe in my belly? Will she make it 40 weeks? And even if she does, will she be stillborn? Or will she be alive? If she's alive, how long will we have with her? Will she get to come home with us? Or will we leave the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted? It's tough to plan (and I am a such a planner) and it's tough to think of the future when there is just no guarantee ...
Over the last few days, I was having a really hard time with the uncertainty when I realized that without the uncertainty, there wouldn't be hope. If I knew for sure that Toot was going to die at 36 weeks, or that she would be stillborn or that we'd have just 8 minutes with her, I'd dread it. I'd dread knowing that I know the exact moment we'd lose her. Don't get me wrong, I am surely dreading the unknown, not to mention the fact that we most surely will lose her (at some point), but at the same time, because of the unknown, we have hope. Hope that things might turn out better than we expect. Hope that we will get to meet our little girl and stare into her eyes and tell her we love her. And hope that she'll get to come home with us.
Hope is so powerful and it's fluid. We got pregnant and hoped our baby would be healthy. We found out she wasn't, and we hoped that God would do what's best for her. We hope that she doesn't suffer and we hope that she just knows only our love and no pain. Without hope, I truly have no idea where I'd be right now ... so today, I am beyond thankful for the power of hope.
Believe it or not, looking back some day, I think you will remember the joy you had from hope. It's a great thing and I'm right there with you hoping and praying.
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