Academy Award

I think I must be a good actress. Everyone keeps telling me how strong, brave and tough I am. That I seem to be holding up remarkably well. One of the girls at work even commented that I always seem so happy. I just laughed and kept moving. I think if people could see behind closed doors, they'd feel a little differently. If they could see into my heart, they'd know that it feels like it's literally breaking, one piece at a time. I try and put on a good front, I really do. But today is just one of those days where I am not strong. I cannot seem to stop crying and feeling sad and thinking about a future without Toot. I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. I have zero motivation. I don't have the motivation to cook dinner, put away the dishes in the dishwasher or take Bailey for a walk. I just don't have it in me today. I feel like the tears should dry up at some point, but they just won't stop flowing. And it scares me because I tend to think that now is the easy part. Toot is safe and warm in belly and I can touch her and talk to her and tell her I love her and feel her kick and know she is okay. What happens when she's gone? When everyone else moves on, yet you're feeling empty and alone? What then? This is so not fair and as much as I try not to wish things were different, today I do. I love Toot just the way she is, but I just wish I was 30 weeks pregnant and none the wiser to the pain and agony of dealing with this. Because sometimes it just feels like it hurts too much ...