Goals

I am generally not one for New Year's resolutions, but I do think I'd like to set some goals for 2012.  And I think having them out there on the world wide web will be helpful in keeping me accountable :)

Health/Fitness Goals

1. Exercise every day for one month.  Starting tomorrow.  I really need to get back into the swing of things.  So even if I just walk a mile, I'll be better off than doing nothing.  P and I got a new treadmill (yay!!) for Christmas, so that should make things a little easier!  Once I've reestablished the habit, I can evaluate my specific running goals - namely another half and:
2. PR the 10K.  I want to run another half, but I highly doubt I'll be speedy enough to set a new PR.  The 10K might be the perfect distance, and there are many more to choose from over the course of the year.
3. Increase my strength training - I have a vacation planned in June and my sister's wedding in August!! I want my arms to look toned and I need to tighten my core - I bought a Groupon for hot yoga, and am excited to try it.
4. Join a running group.  I've had my eye on one for a couple of years now but then I got pregnant and it didn't seem like the right time to join.  I talked to P, and he's okay with me heading out on Sunday mornings for group runs.  Now I just have to actually work up the courage to go!
5. Drink more water.  I've been so bad lately about getting enough water.  I also need to quit my diet Coke habit, but I'm not quite there yet.  It's my very guilty pleasure.  

Life Goals

1. Mindfulness.  I think by nature of being female (and especially as a mom) I multitask as much as possible.  If I'm making dinner, I'm folding laundry or feeding Pete or emptying the dishwasher or just thinking about a million other things.  I've started trying to practice mindfulness when nursing Pete.  I used to bring my phone with me or try and sneak in a few pages of a book, but now I just sit and relax and savor the moment.  And I swear, he can tell.  It feels good and probably benefits both of us!
2. Establish a budget and stick to it.  Since cutting my hours to part time, things are a little tight. I think we're okay, but I miss my full time paycheck and the sense of security that went with it.  I need to try and pick up some overtime shifts so I can relax a little bit - and take some pressure off P.  I've heard good things about Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and while I might not be into the religion aspect, I think his budgeting is credible?  I've also been looking at mint.com but I'm not sure how I feel about giving up all my financial information.
3. Menu Planning.  I really want to try and do this. I think it would help with budgeting, and it would save me a lot of aggravation during the week!

Sweet Pete

Pete fell asleep nursing today - he rarely does that anymore - and if that wasn't enough to make me melt, he did it while holding Brienna's necklace in his little hand.  It was one of those moments that just made me stop, take a deep breath and appreciate my life.  I sat there rocking him while he slept and just soaked in the tenderness of the moment.  That is why I suffered through the beginning weeks of breastfeeding. It has been the best bonding experience for us and I can't imagine not sharing those precious moments with him ... and his sister.

One of my favorite pictures from the day after he was born ... both my babes, close to my heart:

Splish Splash ...

... there is not much cuter than Pete in the bath!

I am legit obsessed with him.  He's so freakin' cute and just makes me melt.  Every day.  The poor kid is sick and feels miserable, yet he still smiles and is so good natured.  I have no idea how I ended up with him, but I thank God every single day.  He is the best ever.

Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours ...

best. present. ever

And Then Everything Changed

It was just three short years ago that my world was altered.  I was naively happily pregnant when I listened to a voicemail from my OB's office on 12/16/2008.  I called back and was told that the doctor would call me.  In the back of my head, I thought that probably wasn't good.  The office closes at 4; he called at 6PM - from his cellphone.  Then I knew it was bad.  He told me that my AFP was abnormal, but not to panic.  He told me the possible things that could be wrong with my baby.  I went online, found the Trisomy 18 website and the first words I saw were "incompatible with life".  I panicked.  P was at an event for work.  I called him and asked him to come home.  I never do that and he was home in a flash.  We read everything we could, cried and made the decision to have an amniocentesis, the only way to positively know if our baby would be ok. Three years ago today (can you tell I'm a bit date obsessed) we had our amnio.  Our doctor was one of the nicest I've ever met.  Everything looked okay, he didn't see any outward signs of T18, but the amnio would confirm.  This is what I wrote then:

"Friday was maybe the longest day of my life. Our appt was at 9:45, so we got up early and were there in plenty of time. They did a level II ultrasound prior to the amnio to look for characteristics of Trisomy 18. During the ultrasound, we learned that Toot is measuring very small ... Based on a May 28 due date, Toot should have been measuring 17 weeks, 1 day, but was only measuring 16 weeks, 2 days. Small gestational age is a sign of Trisomy 18. According to the doctor, everything else looked okay, but it was hard to get a good enough look because of how small Toot is.


I am trying so hard to stay positive, but at the same time, am so afraid of what we will find out ... I can't imagine seeing your own child struggle with developmental disabilities, not being able to ever be independent. It just is almost too hard to fathom. You spend your whole life dreaming of a happy, healthy baby. Then you actually conceive, a miracle in it's own right and you just can't stop thinking about the future. Everything immediately becomes about the baby. You imagine the endless possibilities that await your precious child and to find out that may not happen is just heartbreaking. I feel like my heart is literally aching. It hurts to just exist right now.

I think the hardest part is waiting. They did a FISH test with the amnio, so we might know something as soon as Tuesday. But, our doctor told us that it's not 100% reliable and not to "bet the ranch" on the results. P and I know that no matter what, we're not going to change anything. Terminating the pregnancy is just not an option for us. I think God has a plan, and in these last few days, I've prayed more than I have in a long time. In one sense, I have this weird calm that everything will be okay. And I know, no matter what happens, P and I will be okay. If anything, these last few days have showed me that our love and our marriage is stronger than I could have imagined. We have each other, and will get through this.

While part of me has that sense of calm, the other is right on the edge of panicking. It's like I can't let myself believe that something could be wrong, but at the same time, I'm afraid to think that everything could be okay. It has to be okay. Our baby has to be healthy. How can it not? My emotions are all over the place, and it's hard to just function. P has been a pillar of strength; I wish I could be more like him. He said that he just needs things to be as normal as possible. While I on the other hand, don't know how to act normal. I haven't gone to work, I'm not sleeping and to top it all off, I think I have strep throat. And it's Christmas this week. I don't know how I'm going to see our families and pretend everything is fine. We might just skip Christmas. I love seeing our families on Christmas. But I just don't know if I can ..."

I have no idea how I survived.  I am so glad I wrote things down so I can look back and see how far I've come. This time of year is always hard for me.  Depression rears its ugly head and I have to fight back extra hard.  I have trouble motivating myself to run even though it makes me feel so much better.  I've decided that I need to hold myself accountable.  I'm going to start using either The Daily Mile or RunKeeper to track my workouts.  And I'm going to run another half marathon in March.  So that will get my butt in gear - I hope anyway.  I'm excited to run another race for BMM.  It's been over a year since my last one and high time for another one!

Saying Yes

Five years ago today, P asked me if I would marry him.  Saying yes was a very good decision.  We've been through so much together, and are stronger because of it.  It's fun to think back to that night five years ago.  We weren't living together at the time, and when I got to his house, he told me I had to wear a dress to his work Christmas party.  I was pissed because not only was it frigid outside, but I'd already showered and dried my hair - and I hadn't shaved my legs.  So as I stood in the shower shaving, I was fuming. Little did I know that I'd be engaged in just a few hours!  P was so nervous, and hummed all throughout dinner, which was pretty strange.  The waiters were all over us, because they were in on it and not sure it was going to happen because P kept putting it off.  Finally, after our dinners had been cleared away, the waiter came over with a dessert and two glasses of champagne and said he thought it would be nice for a celebration.  Confused, I turned to P as he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.  I was ecstatic and immediately said yes.  He claims I said "Holy $@!%", but I beg to differ :)  Either way, I'd say it worked out pretty well!

Solo Run

P gave me the best gift this weekend: a solo run.  He took Pete out to run errands and I went running sans jogging stroller for the first time in a long time.  It was glorious.  And I needed it.  It's kinda sad that an average 9:24 pace felt fast, but I really didn't care.   I was just happy to be running.  And Bailey was too! I remembered how fun it is to run with just her.  She's a pretty good running buddy and I think know she much prefers running with just me, rather than with me and the stroller.  But she's always a good sport about it either way!  And it is insane that it's this warm in December - I still think we need a treadmill, but I'll take this mild weather while I can.

So thanks P - you made my day!  And when this running mama is happy, it benefits everyone :)