Meeting Brienna

I thought it might be therapeutic to talk about the day Brienna was actually born ... so here goes.

As I mentioned before, we went in Monday night to get the gel to ripen my cervix. I was apparently about 3cm dilated that night; they gave me the gel and sent me on my merry way. I was told they would monitor Toot's heartbeat for 90 minutes and was all hooked up and prepared to wait, but I guess they talked to my doctor who said I could just go home. That kinda made me sad, because I knew if she didn't have T18, they would most certainly have monitored her. Their focus just wasn't on her, which was hard to accept ...

I was told to wait for a phone call Tuesday morning and sure enough, at 6:30, the phone rang and they told me to come in at 7:30. P and I certainly didn't sleep well Monday night, so were wide awake when the call came in. I think I was just filled with nervous energy ... we were late (as usual) and didn't get to take any pictures, as I had wanted to. There is one of me in the car, but none of us as a family, in our house before going in ...

After checking in, we were shown right to our room. They gave us the biggest, nicest labor and delivery suite they had, which we were very grateful for. It had lots of windows, and plenty of space for visitors. It was more homey than the one we were shown on our tour of the hospital, and I felt very comfortable there. My day nurse, Cathy, was great. We immediately knew we were in good hands, which was very comforting. Cathy was very honest with us and told us that oftentimes Pitocin can take days to work and that if things didn't progress by 6ish, they would turn the Pitocin off, let me rest and eat and start again in the morning. Cathy had me change into a beautiful hospital johnny and things got started ...

The Pitocin went on about 9AM. I was hooked up to the monitor, and was already having contractions, but couldn't feel them. We listened to Toot's heartbeat for awhile and I so wish we had recorded it at that point. In our birth plan, we had opted to not continuously monitor her heartbeat. We knew that there was a chance labor would cause her distress, and I knew if we saw she was in distress, I'd ask for an emergency C-section, something we had talked about at length and were going to try to avoid. We had planned on listening sporadically throughout the day, but I think I just got nervous and we never did again. I regret that. I started feeling the contractions, but none were painful, so they kept increasing the Pitocin. At noontime, I was still not having any pain, and fully planned on being there for days ...

At about 3:00, I really started to feel the contractions. They were much more painful than they had been. I started to get really nauseous with them too, and got sick several times. Then at 4:00, my water broke. Because of the polyhydramnios, it was this huge gush of fluid. I had just finished getting sick, so was standing at the door of the bathroom and it just went everywhere. I immediately burst into tears because it was then that I knew Toot was really going to arrive. Up until that point, I kept convincing myself that we had time. I look back at the pictures from that morning: me in my ugly gown, but I'm smiling in every one; still full of hope ...

My water broke about 4 more times after that - there was A LOT of fluid. The nurse was even amazed ... P helped me clean up and we kinda just looked at each other with this helpless feeling ... it was truly out of our control. At about 5:15-5:30, I opted for the epidural. I was 6cm at that point and as soon as the epidural was done, I was 10cm dilated and ready to push. At this point it was a little after 6:00, but because things had progressed so quickly, our families weren't at the hospital yet. The doctor came in and said that we could wait a little bit to push, until our families arrived so we decided to wait until about 6:30.

6:30 came and went, because it was change of shift for the doctors. Then at 7:00 it was change of shift for the nurses. So we really didn't start pushing until just before 8:00. I was completely comfortable because of the epidural, but very antsy. My night nurse Joanne was even better than my day nurse. They could not have been more different in terms of personalities, but both were perfect ... I pushed for about 15 minutes and Joanne called the doctor in because it looked like Toot was ready to make her entrance ... the doctor took forever to come and had to be paged again. Our baby nurse, Sue came in at that point and she too was amazing. The NICU nurse practitioner was on standby just outside the room, which we had requested and then it was time. The doctor came in and the pushing resumed ... they were all whispering at one point and I got very nervous. But I asked my nurse, and they weren't talking about Toot.

At 8:50 PM, Brienna Marie was born. I could have sworn that I saw her little arm moving when she came out ... P cut the umbilical cord and Sue and the NICU NP took her for a quick exam ... I will never, ever forget them saying that she didn't have a heartbeat. P said I made the saddest sound he's ever heard ... and then we both just started crying. They brought Brienna to us right away and I held her and just cried and cried. P and I just hugged her and each other and were so sad ...

I ended up tearing very badly. It turns out that that is what the doctors had been whispering about. They asked to do an episiotomy, and I felt like the only option was to do one ... so they did. Despite that, I ended up with a "nasty" 3rd degree tear that required "extensive repair" - it took them over 90 minutes to sew me up - and I now have a "designer vagina" - which apparently people pay big bucks for - who knew?

While they were sewing me up, P was with Brienna the entire time. He bathed her and rocked her and it simultaneously broke and melted my heart to see them together. I will write more about him in a separate post - he totally blew me away and I am more in love with him now than ever before ...

The NILMDTS photographer was in the room as soon as Brienna was born. Sharon sat with me and talked to me and it was so comforting because she was in my shoes a few years ago. The chaplain, Caroline, was also there (we had met her earlier in the day and loved her. When it neared time for Toot's arrival, the nurse paged her and though she was over an hour away, she came back to the hospital to be with us).

Things were somewhat delayed because of them sewing me up, but P would bring Brienna to me and I would hold her for a bit and then he would walk with her around the room and just rock her. Sharon was able to take lots of pictures of her and I got to watch my little girl with her daddy ...

When they were finally done sewing me up, Caroline and Joanne went to get our families. They of course were devastated and I was nervous about everyone being there, but it ended up being really nice. Caroline baptized Brienna for us, and having our parents and sisters there for that was touching. It was the most beautiful baptism, and I am so thankful that Caroline came back for us ...

Once everyone was gone, P just crawled into bed with me and the three of us laid there cuddling. We changed Brienna's diaper, dressed her in one of her adorable little outfits and just held her. The nurses were great and totally respected our privacy, yet periodically checked in on us. Being with Brienna was truly amazing. She's the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She had this perfect little button nose and the softest skin I've ever touched. She had tiny little freckles on her forehead and the cutest little lips I'd ever seen. She smelled so sweet and innocent and it just took my breath away that we had created this little miracle ...

We eventually called the funeral home and they came to pick Brienna up at about 2AM. Saying goodbye was nearly impossible. How do you fit a lifetime's worth of hugs and kisses and cuddling into 5 hours with your baby?? You can't. As much as we tried to prepare ourselves for that moment, you just cannot prepare to say goodbye to your child ... we handed her to Sue (who was amazing and treated Brienna like her own baby) who walked with Steve out to the car. And she was gone. I can't even get into my emotions yet because it's just too painful.

At about 3AM, we were moved to a new room. We had requested ahead of time not to be on a postpartum floor, and were instead sent to a surgical floor, which suited us just fine. I would gladly have left the hospital altogether, but because of my tearing, they wanted to keep me overnight. P climbed into bed with me in the new room and we just held each other and cried. I don't think I slept much at all. The doctors did rounds at 7ish and said I could go in the afternoon once the Foley came out and I had peed. The Foley came out and P and I just laid there a little longer ... we were both exhausted after not sleeping Monday night either.

I finally got out of bed around 9 and was walking around the room because walking was more comfortable than sitting. Caroline came to visit and was amazed that I was up and about because she "saw my tear and OUCH". That she came meant so much to me. Melissa, the social worker we had worked with at the MFM clinic, also came to visit. Everyone was so compassionate, and it really meant the world to P and I.

We were able to go home just after 12, and I was glad to leave, but so sad at the same time. We were leaving without our baby ... I told P that deep in my heart of hearts I didn't think we'd get to bring her home. He said he had felt the same way ... but we both thought she'd be born alive. It just wasn't an option any other way ... and despite the fact that so many T18 babies are born still, I blame myself. I just wish we had pushed right away. I have no idea if it would have made a difference, but what if it would have?

I have so many more thoughts and feelings, but like I said, I just can't go there quite yet. Every day is a struggle to get through ... I feel so lost, and this overwhelming sense of "now what?" It sucks. And I just miss my baby girl so much ... I would do anything to have her back. If I could turn back the clock, I would. In a heartbeat.