What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say, 

"A Mother has a baby. This we know is true." 

But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? 

"Yes you can!" He replied with confidence in His voice, 

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice." 

"Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. 

And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." 

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here." 

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. 

"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and say.." 

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here." 

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom who has so much love for me 

I learned my lesson very quick, my Mommy set me free." 

"I miss My Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. 

When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay." 

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 

Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." 

"So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. 

Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay." 

"They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. 

And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you." 

"So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. 

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start." 

"Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until there time is done 

They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one." 

-Author Unknown

Daddy's Girl ...

I don't know where to begin. I should start by saying that P has always been a bit squeamish when it comes to blood and hospitals and all related things. He hates hospitals and has passed out when seeing blood in the past. When I was in nursing school, he would get kinda grossed out if I told him a story, so he started watching Discovery Health to help get him used to what he'd be hearing about ... so cute.

The day that Brienna was born, I was nervous for him that he'd be majorly freaked out. How wrong I was ... when my water broke (and then continued to break), I was slightly mortified. It just wouldn't stop and it's kinda gross if you think about it. I was embarrassed and generally would have just done everything myself, but couldn't because not only was I nine months pregnant and not really able to bend over, I was having some pretty intense contractions. So, I had to swallow my pride and let P help. And he did. He cleaned up for me, he cleaned me, he helped me change and was just great ... he held my hair back while I got sick and just tended to me and made me feel like it was all okay ...

Then Brienna was born and I was just blown away ... I don't know what I expected, but P was just so incredible with her. I think it's hard/different for any father because they don't have nine months of a baby inside them to bond and prepare. I was nervous for P because I knew that he might have to say hello and goodbye at the same time and I just wasn't sure how he'd handle it ... he keeps his emotions very close to his heart and we'd never been in a situation like this before ... but he was just incredible. I couldn't stop staring at the two of them.

P has two webbed toes on each of his feet. His entire family on his dad's side does ... as he and Sue were bathing Brienna, I heard him start laughing and he called over, "Laus, her feet are webbed exactly like mine!" He was crying and laughing and I started crying and laughing and it just made me so happy that they shared that. She was truly a daddy's girl.

On My Mind ...

In no particular order, these are the things that I think about and are on my mind ...

• I am petrified I am going to forget.
• It is exhausting and incredibly draining to pretend to be "okay" for other people.
  
• I love the little reminders on my body that I did indeed have a baby.
• Brienna's name is Celtic and means "strong, she ascends" ... I love her name.
  
• I have a bruise on my right hand from a blown IV. As it fades, I get sadder and sadder because when I see it now, I think of Brienna.
• I secretly like the pain associated with my tear because it reminds of my sweet baby girl.
  
• I wore a normal, pre-pregnancy bra on Thursday and it made me ridiculously sad.
• I despise looking in the mirror because it's a reminder that I no longer have Brienna in my belly.
• I hate my jelly belly.
  
• The shirt I was wearing when I held Brienna is in my room, folded up with the camisole I wore during delivery. I doubt I will ever wash either of them.
• I saw my one pair of maternity jeans today when I was cleaning my room and almost cried.
  
• When I showered the day after Brienna was born, I felt like I was washing her away and I cried the entire time.
• Every time I visit her at the cemetery, I want to throw myself on the ground and stay with her. P has prevented me from doing this.
  
• Sometimes, breathing hurts.
• Time seems to stand still. The only time it moves is when I'm sleeping.
  
• Everything seems so surreal that at times I wonder if I did indeed have a baby ...
• I found a poem online yesterday that brings me to tears every time I read it. I changed the his to a her ... the author is unknown:

Tiny Angel rest your wings
Sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear ...
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long ...
Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know ...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

• I constantly wonder if Brienna knew she was dying when she was inside me and if she was scared.
• I feel like a failure because I couldn't protect my daughter. The counselor I see says that maybe she died to protect us from seeing her have to suffer. A little baby shouldn't have to protect her parents ...
• I know she is in God's hands and with our loved ones that have already died, but I hate that she is alone in Heaven. I wish I could be with her ...
• I have less fear of dying someday because I know it will mean that I get to see my daughter again.
  
• I hope beyond hope that Brienna knew we loved her.
• I fear we didn't make enough memories with her while I was pregnant.
  
• My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I am dreading him not being home.
  
• I cannot believe it has been 12 days since my baby was born ... and died.
• Natalie Cole's "I Miss You Like Crazy" is constantly stuck in my head.
• I hate the word stillborn.
  
• Because Brienna died at birth, I fear people will think she didn't exist. She so existed.
• I have no idea how to do this ...
  

Meeting Brienna

I thought it might be therapeutic to talk about the day Brienna was actually born ... so here goes.

As I mentioned before, we went in Monday night to get the gel to ripen my cervix. I was apparently about 3cm dilated that night; they gave me the gel and sent me on my merry way. I was told they would monitor Toot's heartbeat for 90 minutes and was all hooked up and prepared to wait, but I guess they talked to my doctor who said I could just go home. That kinda made me sad, because I knew if she didn't have T18, they would most certainly have monitored her. Their focus just wasn't on her, which was hard to accept ...

I was told to wait for a phone call Tuesday morning and sure enough, at 6:30, the phone rang and they told me to come in at 7:30. P and I certainly didn't sleep well Monday night, so were wide awake when the call came in. I think I was just filled with nervous energy ... we were late (as usual) and didn't get to take any pictures, as I had wanted to. There is one of me in the car, but none of us as a family, in our house before going in ...

After checking in, we were shown right to our room. They gave us the biggest, nicest labor and delivery suite they had, which we were very grateful for. It had lots of windows, and plenty of space for visitors. It was more homey than the one we were shown on our tour of the hospital, and I felt very comfortable there. My day nurse, Cathy, was great. We immediately knew we were in good hands, which was very comforting. Cathy was very honest with us and told us that oftentimes Pitocin can take days to work and that if things didn't progress by 6ish, they would turn the Pitocin off, let me rest and eat and start again in the morning. Cathy had me change into a beautiful hospital johnny and things got started ...

The Pitocin went on about 9AM. I was hooked up to the monitor, and was already having contractions, but couldn't feel them. We listened to Toot's heartbeat for awhile and I so wish we had recorded it at that point. In our birth plan, we had opted to not continuously monitor her heartbeat. We knew that there was a chance labor would cause her distress, and I knew if we saw she was in distress, I'd ask for an emergency C-section, something we had talked about at length and were going to try to avoid. We had planned on listening sporadically throughout the day, but I think I just got nervous and we never did again. I regret that. I started feeling the contractions, but none were painful, so they kept increasing the Pitocin. At noontime, I was still not having any pain, and fully planned on being there for days ...

At about 3:00, I really started to feel the contractions. They were much more painful than they had been. I started to get really nauseous with them too, and got sick several times. Then at 4:00, my water broke. Because of the polyhydramnios, it was this huge gush of fluid. I had just finished getting sick, so was standing at the door of the bathroom and it just went everywhere. I immediately burst into tears because it was then that I knew Toot was really going to arrive. Up until that point, I kept convincing myself that we had time. I look back at the pictures from that morning: me in my ugly gown, but I'm smiling in every one; still full of hope ...

My water broke about 4 more times after that - there was A LOT of fluid. The nurse was even amazed ... P helped me clean up and we kinda just looked at each other with this helpless feeling ... it was truly out of our control. At about 5:15-5:30, I opted for the epidural. I was 6cm at that point and as soon as the epidural was done, I was 10cm dilated and ready to push. At this point it was a little after 6:00, but because things had progressed so quickly, our families weren't at the hospital yet. The doctor came in and said that we could wait a little bit to push, until our families arrived so we decided to wait until about 6:30.

6:30 came and went, because it was change of shift for the doctors. Then at 7:00 it was change of shift for the nurses. So we really didn't start pushing until just before 8:00. I was completely comfortable because of the epidural, but very antsy. My night nurse Joanne was even better than my day nurse. They could not have been more different in terms of personalities, but both were perfect ... I pushed for about 15 minutes and Joanne called the doctor in because it looked like Toot was ready to make her entrance ... the doctor took forever to come and had to be paged again. Our baby nurse, Sue came in at that point and she too was amazing. The NICU nurse practitioner was on standby just outside the room, which we had requested and then it was time. The doctor came in and the pushing resumed ... they were all whispering at one point and I got very nervous. But I asked my nurse, and they weren't talking about Toot.

At 8:50 PM, Brienna Marie was born. I could have sworn that I saw her little arm moving when she came out ... P cut the umbilical cord and Sue and the NICU NP took her for a quick exam ... I will never, ever forget them saying that she didn't have a heartbeat. P said I made the saddest sound he's ever heard ... and then we both just started crying. They brought Brienna to us right away and I held her and just cried and cried. P and I just hugged her and each other and were so sad ...

I ended up tearing very badly. It turns out that that is what the doctors had been whispering about. They asked to do an episiotomy, and I felt like the only option was to do one ... so they did. Despite that, I ended up with a "nasty" 3rd degree tear that required "extensive repair" - it took them over 90 minutes to sew me up - and I now have a "designer vagina" - which apparently people pay big bucks for - who knew?

While they were sewing me up, P was with Brienna the entire time. He bathed her and rocked her and it simultaneously broke and melted my heart to see them together. I will write more about him in a separate post - he totally blew me away and I am more in love with him now than ever before ...

The NILMDTS photographer was in the room as soon as Brienna was born. Sharon sat with me and talked to me and it was so comforting because she was in my shoes a few years ago. The chaplain, Caroline, was also there (we had met her earlier in the day and loved her. When it neared time for Toot's arrival, the nurse paged her and though she was over an hour away, she came back to the hospital to be with us).

Things were somewhat delayed because of them sewing me up, but P would bring Brienna to me and I would hold her for a bit and then he would walk with her around the room and just rock her. Sharon was able to take lots of pictures of her and I got to watch my little girl with her daddy ...

When they were finally done sewing me up, Caroline and Joanne went to get our families. They of course were devastated and I was nervous about everyone being there, but it ended up being really nice. Caroline baptized Brienna for us, and having our parents and sisters there for that was touching. It was the most beautiful baptism, and I am so thankful that Caroline came back for us ...

Once everyone was gone, P just crawled into bed with me and the three of us laid there cuddling. We changed Brienna's diaper, dressed her in one of her adorable little outfits and just held her. The nurses were great and totally respected our privacy, yet periodically checked in on us. Being with Brienna was truly amazing. She's the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She had this perfect little button nose and the softest skin I've ever touched. She had tiny little freckles on her forehead and the cutest little lips I'd ever seen. She smelled so sweet and innocent and it just took my breath away that we had created this little miracle ...

We eventually called the funeral home and they came to pick Brienna up at about 2AM. Saying goodbye was nearly impossible. How do you fit a lifetime's worth of hugs and kisses and cuddling into 5 hours with your baby?? You can't. As much as we tried to prepare ourselves for that moment, you just cannot prepare to say goodbye to your child ... we handed her to Sue (who was amazing and treated Brienna like her own baby) who walked with Steve out to the car. And she was gone. I can't even get into my emotions yet because it's just too painful.

At about 3AM, we were moved to a new room. We had requested ahead of time not to be on a postpartum floor, and were instead sent to a surgical floor, which suited us just fine. I would gladly have left the hospital altogether, but because of my tearing, they wanted to keep me overnight. P climbed into bed with me in the new room and we just held each other and cried. I don't think I slept much at all. The doctors did rounds at 7ish and said I could go in the afternoon once the Foley came out and I had peed. The Foley came out and P and I just laid there a little longer ... we were both exhausted after not sleeping Monday night either.

I finally got out of bed around 9 and was walking around the room because walking was more comfortable than sitting. Caroline came to visit and was amazed that I was up and about because she "saw my tear and OUCH". That she came meant so much to me. Melissa, the social worker we had worked with at the MFM clinic, also came to visit. Everyone was so compassionate, and it really meant the world to P and I.

We were able to go home just after 12, and I was glad to leave, but so sad at the same time. We were leaving without our baby ... I told P that deep in my heart of hearts I didn't think we'd get to bring her home. He said he had felt the same way ... but we both thought she'd be born alive. It just wasn't an option any other way ... and despite the fact that so many T18 babies are born still, I blame myself. I just wish we had pushed right away. I have no idea if it would have made a difference, but what if it would have?

I have so many more thoughts and feelings, but like I said, I just can't go there quite yet. Every day is a struggle to get through ... I feel so lost, and this overwhelming sense of "now what?" It sucks. And I just miss my baby girl so much ... I would do anything to have her back. If I could turn back the clock, I would. In a heartbeat.

No words

Our precious angel was born into Heaven on June 2, 2009 at 8:50 PM. The happiest and saddest day of my life ... our little girl, Brienna Marie was perfect. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my entire life. She had the softest skin and the most perfect button nose ... I can still feel her in my arms, smell her sweet smell and I long for just one more moment with her. One more chance to kiss her cheek, touch her lips and tell her that I love her with all my heart ... P and I are so sad she is gone. It feels surreal and I feel hollow ... like I am missing a piece of me.
I miss her so much :(

Prayers Answered

I was dreading going into the hospital tonight. Absolutely dreading it. I didn't want to have to be there overnight, only to potentially not even progress far enough to be moved to labor and delivery tomorrow morning. I hate being out of my comfort zone and I hated that I wouldn't be able to be in my own bed with P and Toot ... I got a phone call today from one of the nurses at the MFM clinic saying that they were "busting at the seams" and would I be willing to come in, get the Cervidil tonight, but go home and wait until they call me in the morning when they have a room available. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I am more than okay with that! And so is P ... we were in the car together when we got the news and he said, oh good, I was having a hard time thinking about how to kidnap you :) One more night at home feels like a gift ... and it gives Toot just a little more time to come on her terms ...

I am not sure I ever posted about my NILMDTS photographer, but I have a saved post somewhere and will eventually. She did maternity pictures for us and we loved her. We got our pictures and they were amazing. This was about 5 weeks ago and I've emailed her several times but heard nothing and couldn't figure out what happened, or if we did something or if she just wasn't interested anymore. I called her today in one last attempt to let her know we were being induced tomorrow. I didn't hear back from her and was really sad. As P and I walked in the door from the hospital, the phone was ringing. It was her! And she was so apologetic about not getting back to me but said she is available tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday and will wait for our call because she would love to photograph Toot when she arrives. I am elated. I had so wanted her to be there and now she will. It's one less thing to worry about, and it feels like things are falling into place. That can only be the work of God, and I am so appreciative.

As for the hospital, it was totally fine. My nurse for the short time I was there was so nice and as she was about to leave the room, she stopped and came back over me and said, I just want you to know that I read your birth plan, and congratulations on your amazing baby. She started to cry, then apologized for crying and of course I started crying and told her it was okay, but it's just so comforting to be in good hands. The MD who inserted the Cervidil told me that they have a "special nurse" lined up for me tomorrow, so it seems like we'll be in good hands then too.

So thank you prayer warriors ... from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Hi Toot,

My little June bug! I never thought I'd end up with a June baby, yet here it is, June 1! Where did the time go?!

So my sweet Toot ... today is the day the doctors are going to start the process of inducing labor. I had so hoped you'd decide on your own that you were ready to come out, but that's okay ... it just proves you're our baby - stubborn like your mom and late like your dad :) Just know that if I could, I would keep you with me forever. I feel like I am kicking you out of your cozy, safe home, and I'm sorry for that. I would love to keep you with me, but the doctors aren't giving me much of a choice ... my brain knows that they are probably right, but my heart feels heavy ...

I feel like there is so much to say to you today, yet I don't know where to begin. You've been kicking like crazy all weekend and it never fails to make me smile! You've been such a joy to me and your dad these last forty weeks Toot. We love you so much. You are truly an inspiration and not just to me. To everyone that knows about you. Your dad and I feel so lucky to have been chosen as your parents. You have been such a gift and I can only hope that we get a little more time with you ... we are so excited to finally meet you!!

I have to thank you Toot. You have truly given me the strength to muddle through this journey. You give me purpose in life, you make me get out of bed every day and you have truly made me a different (and I hope better) person. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done. You've changed me and I love you for it.

If I'm being truly honest, I fear myself without you. I fear the emptiness of knowing you're not in my belly anymore. I fear that without you, I won't know who I am or what my purpose is. I fear that if we have to say goodbye, it will break me. I fear that you won't know how much I love you, or that I would have done anything to take this away for you ... and I'm sorry for all the tears today sweet girl. Please don't think I'm sad to meet you, trust me, I have been waiting for this day my whole life. You're my daughter! And I long to hear your sweet little cry and I long to hold you and rock you and show you just how much you are loved ... so the tears are tears of love, tears of fear and tears of uncertainty. And I cannot seem to stop them!

I love you Toot. It doesn't seem adequate enough, but I do. And if I have to fit an entire lifetime's worth of love into just a few moments, so be it. But know that I truly love you with all my heart. That carrying you has been the most wonderful gift and that a piece of you will forever be with me. Always.

I love you.

Love always,
Mom

P.S. Rabbits Rabbits! Binkie says that on the first of every month, and it's supposed to bring good luck, so it's tradition in our family to say it to everyone on the first of the month, every month ... so Rabbits Rabbits my sweet girl!!