is the only way to describe how I feel right now. I have no idea what I even want anymore. Part of me wants for nothing more than to have a miscarriage so that we don't have to deal with being pregnant for the next 5 months. And then I feel so incredibly guilty for thinking it. Part of me wants to carry for another 10 weeks and then deliver. And part of me wants to carry to term and have the chance of our little baby being born alive so that we get to spend some time with him/her. I just don't know ... this seems so unfair and I get so mad sometimes. Then in the next minute I am completely inconsolable with grief. How on earth are P and I supposed to get through this? How??
I just want God to give us the strength to do this, but there are times that I really don't think I am going to be able to. Other than guidance, I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't want P and I to have to make any decisions, I want nature to take it's course and one minute I think I can live with that and the next I don't. I will be devastated if we miscarry, but either way, Toot isn't going to live :( It's not going to be easy now and it's going to be easy 5 months from now. And how are we going to get through the remainder of this pregnancy, however long that may be? How will I deal with strangers congratulating me on being pregnant when I know that our baby is going to die? I am still barely showing right now. It is very easy to hide, but soon there will be no mistaking that I'm pregnant ... it's like a constant reminder of what won't be for us and our sweet baby. It hurts more than I can even explain ... no one should have to go through with this.
One of the worst parts is, we're grieving now and it hurts beyond explanation. We're going to grieve all over again when this baby is born and he/she dies. It just isn't fair :( I sound like a whiny baby, but I just cannot comprehend that this is happening to us. UGH.
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