Infected

I hadn't been feeling so great the last few days.  I had a sore throat and just felt like I was run down.  When I woke up yesterday morning though, I really felt like crap.  So I dragged myself to the doctor's and apparently have a massive ear infection.  Go figure.  So I started on antibiotics and am slowly feeling better.  I hate being sick.  I hate that my planned runs didn't happen because I could barely lift my head off the pillow.  It makes me mad!  And I swear, the minute you take away my ability to run, it's all I want to do.

After my 8 miles on Sunday, I took it easy on Monday:

Bicep curls: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Tricep extensions: 10 lb weight, 15 reps, 3 sets

Plank: 1:30

Bicycle situps: 50

My last run was on Tuesday morning before work.  I don't usually run before work, but I'm pretty sure that I ate no fewer than a dozen chocolate chip cookies (so much for my vacation diet) on Monday, so I figured I better.  I snuck out before P left for work, so it was just B and I and it was a great run.  My throat was hurting and occasionally felt like it was closing (allergies? ear infection?) so I walked for a bit at one point, but still finished strong and maintained a fast (for me) pace.  I love seeing that!  

I like seeing 8:36 :)

When I got home, I stretched and foam rolled then did 25 pushups, 25 tricep dips, planked for 1:00 and did 50 bicycle sit ups.  A good way to start the day.

Now I'm in rest and recovery mode.  I have to work all weekend - BOO - and doubt I'll get in any runs since I have to be there at 7AM, but we'll see.  

I'm hoping next week is a better week!

Mother's Day

I had a great day yesterday.  I woke up to Pete in a great mood.  He was standing in his crib, handed me a toy and said thank you ("gak goo") with a huge smile on his face.  I nursed him, he fell back asleep and I went for an 8 mile run with Bailey.  When I got home, I noticed that one single bud on Brienna's rose bush had bloomed.  Like she was wishing me Happy Mother's Day.  It was probably the most perfect way to start my day.  

so pretty.

After a visit with P's parents and grandmother, we headed to my parents house.  We stopped at the cemetery to visit with Brienna.  It was such a gorgeous afternoon.  The sun was shining, there was a soft breeze and the cemetery felt especially peaceful.  P took some pictures of me with my kids, and I love them.  I worried that it was a bit creepy, but decided that even if it was, I didn't care.  

love them.  both.

All I wanted for yesterday was to be with both my kids.  I got to do just that, so it was a happy day indeed!

Thoughtful Thursday

NILMDTS has recently started sending a monthly newsletter.  I like reading it because the organization was founded by a mom who lost her son.  So she gets it.  This month's newsletter was about Mother's Day and the floodgates opened when I started ... thinking.  Sometimes I think I carry this tension and weight that I don't even realize is there until I start sobbing and then it goes away.  The newsletter included this poem that I've seen before, but still makes me so sad.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him Say...

I just had a baby, this I know is true, but God can you be a mother when 

your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, with confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. 

And some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. 

He took a deep breath, cleared His throat and then I saw His tears...

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile with other children and hear him say...

"I went to earth to learn a lesson of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mommy who has so much love for me. 

I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy so very much, and I visit her every day. 

When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and I whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad, I'm your baby and I am here."

So, you see my dear sweet one, your baby is not sad nor blue. 

Your baby is here in My Home, and at Heaven's Gate he will wait for you.

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother 

until their time is done, 

they'll be up here with Me one day 

and know you were the best one!

I ache for Brienna.  As I sit here sobbing, my heart literally hurts.  I will forever have a baby missing.  Sometimes I don't think people realize that.  I carried Brienna just as long as I carried Pete. I fell in love with her despite knowing that she wouldn't be here very long.  And it hurts to know that she is gone.  Most days, I walk very steadily in my shoes.  But some days, I'm prone to tripping and others, I fall flat on my face.  The difference between then and now is that now, I can get back up and continue walking.  When Brienna first died, I was down and out for the count.  Now, I stumble and may fall, but I continue on.  I miss Brienna.  Mother's Day is a happy day, but for me, it's also sad.  The one thing I want to do is visit the cemetery and spend some time with my daughter.  I want to sit on her bench and bask in the sunshine and talk to her.  I don't want to feel rushed, I just want to be with her.  She is always with me in my heart, but the cemetery is her special place.

This time of year is always hard.  Her birthday is approaching and I can still vividly recall almost every detail of that day.  I hope I always can.  It's the one day each year that is devoted to her, and I want to celebrate her.  She made a difference.  Not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people.  And I miss her so much.

Brienna Marie,
I love you sweet girl.
Always.  Forever.
Love,
Mom

Providence Half Marathon

A new PR for me!!  I wasn't sure what this race was going to look like for me.  I felt like crap all week and didn't run.  I went to bed late last night, and Pete was up at 4AM, so I tried to tell myself that it was just a fun run, and that finishing would make me happy.  However, I am soo competitive with myself.  I knew I'd ultimately be disappointed with anything other than a PR.  At the start of the race, I compromised and said that breaking two hours again would be enough.

The race started at 8AM.  The weather was pretty good and I just started running.  I forgot how much I hate the beginning of races - it's so congested!  I felt like I was running at a decent pace, but was nervous that I was going out too fast.  I tried not to get caught up in other runners' races.  I kept reminding myself that I was running for me.

I didn't look at my Garmin until mile 4, when I saw I was running an average 9:02 pace.  I knew then that I really wanted to try and PR.  I saw Pat and Pete at a little over 4 miles and was so excited!  I didn't expect to see them until the finish line so it was a huge mental boost.  I felt good running.  I really felt like I was pushing myself though I was petrified of hitting the wall.  I kept glancing at my Garmin and kept seeing sub 9:00/miles.  I was pretty excited and became more and more determined to PR.  I saw Pat and Pete again at 8ish miles and was all smiles.

I was expecting to feel tired at mile 10, and was thrilled when I felt pretty good.  I had some water at mile 11.5ish, drank some Gatorade and tried to push it. At mile 12, it was all or nothing so I tried to make those legs move just a bit faster.  I was exhausted by the end.  I crossed the finish line, smiled and told Pat I'd need a nap!  

SO ridiculously happy!!!!

My legs were sore almost immediately post race.  They feel much better now after stretching and foam rolling (and a nap) and I am still flying high.  Every time I started to doubt myself, I reminded myself that I trained for this.  That I'd run 10 miles just last week and that I could run this race strong.  I was so proud of my body and legs for carrying me, but I was pretty proud of my brain too for not giving in to either fatigue or doubts.

Seeing this guy at the end will remain the best part ever though!!

My little cheerleader.  Love him.

UPDATE: the official results are a 1:57:15 - an 8:57 pace.  I definitely felt like I was running an 8:47, haha.  Either way, I am very happy and now I want to run a sub 1:55 half :)