A Baby No More

My little buddy turned one yesterday.  I cannot believe it.  It seems like he was just born.  I was surprised (not really) by how emotional I was.  It's crazy to think of all that a baby goes through in one year's time.  And all that a mama goes through too!

I truly didn't think I could ever feel this happy again. I thought that genuine happiness was a thing of the past, that it just wasn't in the cards for me.  My heart was so heavy and broken, I couldn't fathom that it would ever not be that way.  But then my little boy was born and I fell head over heels in love with him.  Despite all my anxiety and fear about losing him too, love won.  He makes me feel like I am alive again.  That life is good.  He makes me smile and laugh and I cannot imagine my life without him.  He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Pete hugs are my favorite thing.

Monday Motivation

I somehow managed to run my fastest post-Pete stroller run today! In the wind. I was a little pissed off frustrated to start the run and I'm not sure if maybe that's why?  I wanted to run on a bike path near my house, since the same old stroller route gets boring.  The parking area was so sketchy and I drove past it debating whether or not to park and run.  I called P and told him where my car was in case I got murdered.  While we were on the phone, he found me an alternative parking area, which was much less sketchy!  I was so irritated though because sometimes it seems like my efforts to run get sabotaged.  So anyway, I parked (safely) got the three of us ready, and headed out.  I think I looked like a complete rookie.  B's leash was getting caught, Pete was fussy and it just seemed like perhaps my running attempt was going to be a big fail.

It was windy out, but I felt like I was moving.  Like I was actually running, rather than just jogging.  I forgot my Garmin (another reason for the frustration) so I was using the RunKeeper app on my phone, which was not as readily accessible.  Anyway, I felt like I was moving, but that the wind was at my back and I figured I'd be screwed on the way back to my car.  The first two miles kinda flew by and again, I felt like I was going along at a pretty good clip.  When I turned around at the halfway point, I spotted this guy in front of me.  I guess I was being competitive because I decided I should pass him.  And I did.  And then I tried to maintain my pace, so he didn't then pass me!  Whatever it was, the running gods aligned and I had a great run.  I was sweaty, felt it the entire time, but also enjoyed the challenge.  Most of my runs are slow, steady and "easy" and today just felt different.  When I looked at my splits, I saw that it was!

5.0 miles in 44:25.  8:52 pace.   YAY!
My first thought was that the app must have lost
satellite connection at some point.  But based on
how I felt, I'm going to assume it was accurate.
Also, I've never questioned it before.  So why start now?

I was so happy.  I needed a good, motivating run.  I've been feeling very frustrated with how my body looks these days.  Pete is almost one; I no longer have the "I just had a baby" excuse.  I know I don't look bad.  Most days, I'm fine with how I look.  But I'm still a good 5-7 pounds away from where I want to be. And my favorite skinny jeans don't fit.  I donated them to my sister this weekend because I'm not sure they ever will (though as she knows, it's temporary ownership for now!)  My hips are just wider than used to be.  Could it be the almost 10 pound baby?  And I'm okay with all that.  But I'd like the muffin top to be smaller and I'd like to be more tone.  We're going away in less than two months, so I'm really hoping that I can drop a few pounds by then.  And if not, that's okay too.

While I was running, I passed a man walking.  I passed him again on my way back to the car, and he said, your dog's getting tired!  He was right, she was.  And then when I finished running, a older guy said to me, "Good job!"  And he's right.  I did it.  And that feels good.  Running makes me feel strong and proud, and at the end of the day, that is worth way more than a number on the scale.

Love my running buddies!

Jamestown Bridge 10K

I ran the Jamestown Bridge 10K yesterday morning.  It was sort of a last minute decision.  I had read about it a few weeks ago in Runner's World and finally decided to register.  I worked on Friday, but was able to get out at 7, instead of 11, which was perfect.  I had fully planned on getting up, driving myself to the shuttle drop off and running.  But P had fully planned on driving me there so that he and Pete could cheer me on, which was such a nice treat!  P is always at my races, but I figured with Pete, it might be too hard.  Anyway, the race the great.  Once I found it, it was an easy start.  Not too many people (I think 850), and I basically just hopped right in and started.  

The course was beautiful.  It was literally over the Jamestown Bridge, so the views were amazing.  So many people were running with friends and stopping to take pictures at the top of the bridge.  I was worried about the climb of the bridge, since I'm not usually one to do hills, but it wasn't too bad.  Going over was a piece of cake, though it was narrow and the crowds hadn't thinned yet. That was kind of annoying.  The neighborhoods we ran through were pretty and then it was back over the bridge.  Into the wind, which was not fun, but I was still feeling good.  

Once we came off the bridge, it was flat for a bit and then the rest of the race was uphill.  My legs started to feel heavy, but I refused to stop and walk.  Then I heard P cheering for me so I smiled, waved and gave it all I had for the last .2 miles.  Crossing the finish line of a race is such a great feeling!  I am always proud and happy and I had the best runner's high all day.    

My Garmin said the race was .06 miles longer.
Official race time 57:48, 9:19 pace.

I hadn't run a race since October 2010.  It was really great to get out there and run with a group of people and I loved feeling as good as I did.  It was one of those perfect running days that reminded me why I love running.  When I started running to honor Brienna, I used to be so jealous of all the people that had babies and kids to cheer them on.  I'd see them in their strollers and be sad that Brienna wasn't one of them.  I love running in her memory and I hope it's something I always do.  But this race was even sweeter because I had this guy waiting for me at the finish line.  

happy baby.  proud mama.

I thought about them both the whole race and I loved seeing my smiley little guy with his dad at the end!  P said that Pete would clap when all the other people clapped and that he seemed to have a pretty good time. I know I had a great time and I'm so glad that P and Pete were there.  Also, I technically set a new PR by 1:12, but I know I can do better than that.  So while I'm happy with my time, I'm excited to race another 10K this fall and hopefully beat both my times!

{Dis}Organized Thought

I've had a hard time organizing my thoughts lately.  As I mentioned, I've been irritable, unmotivated and generally just blah. I find myself getting caught up in the pettiness at where I work; I'm stressed/annoyed more easily than I'd like to be and it's really been weighing on me.  It seems like I'm easily swept along the path of negativity, which hasn't been the case for a long time.

I had a much needed appointment with my 'crazy lady' yesterday and I think I figured out what's really been going on.  It was one of those moments when I was talking and then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  For me, when the truth comes out, or I figure something out, tears are usually involved.  It's almost like my cue that I've hit the nail on the head.

So yesterday on my ride up to the appointment, I started thinking about why I'm bothered by the way I've been feeling.  In the past, I'd get caught up in the gossip at work or an ongoing family feud.  But for the past three or so years, I didn't let myself get involved in other people's drama.  I did not have the energy, nor the inclination. The negativity went in one ear and out the other.  I barely even thought about it because I was too emotionally spent from my own existence.  Brienna had given me the perspective I needed to essentially not give a shit because it truly just wasn't important.

I figured out that by getting caught up in nonsense, I feel like I'm betraying Brienna.  I feel like I should be above all this negativity because I know it's not important.  And letting myself get swept along makes me feel like I'm losing my perspective and therefore forgetting about Brienna and all she has taught me.  Part of this all stems from the fact that despite being blah and down this week and last, I've generally been happy.  I am content.  I didn't know if I'd ever truly feel that way again.  When you're mourning the loss of someone you love, you almost relish in that acute pain.  You welcome the outbursts of anguish because it's a tangible connection to the person you lost.  For a long time, I didn't want the pain of losing Brienna to go away.  Ever.  I wanted to always feel it, because it would mean she was still a part of me and that I wasn't letting go.  And I think being happy makes me feel like I'm letting go.  And I don't know how to do that; I don't want to let go.  I don't even know what I'm letting go of.  Is it the pain of losing her?  The lessons she taught me?  Is it finally giving myself "permission" to be happy?  I don't know.  I know that she is a part of me in the truest sense.  She made me who I am.  Why is it that sadness makes me feel connected to her?  Why does it feel like I'm dishonoring her by being happy?

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I have no idea how to answer these questions.  I know time heals and that how I incorporate grief into my life is is not a static thing.  It constantly changes shape.  But I think it feels like if the lessons she taught me are harder to live by, it somehow lessens the impact she had on my life.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I was reminded yesterday that I'm still human.  That this is a process.  And that it's okay to feel the way I do ...