The Wait Is On ...

... and I don't really like it. It's been just about a week since we learned our baby had no heartbeat. At the advice of my doctor, I didn't go to work since we found out and I am kinda wishing I did. I feel so inadequate. That is the only way I can describe things ... having babies is supposed to be the most natural thing a woman does. And I can't do it. Or at least I don't have a "successful outcome". It sucks. I am sad and want things to be different. I want this miscarriage to just happen so we can move on. I've been doing way to much research online and am petrified of what it's going to be like. There is a part of me that wishes we had just done things right away, taken the misoprostol and had it happen immediately. Waiting is hard. Harder than I thought and yet at the same time, could be much worse. I feel almost numb to the whole thing. I am quite sure that when it happens, I won't feel the same way. But for now, I feel numb and probably in denial. BOO.

Really?!

Really?! This is the way things are going to go? Let me just recap the last eighteen + months:

September 2008: We're pregnant!!! Yeah! Barely tried, so freaking happy!

December 2008: Your baby has Trisomy 18, probably won't make it through the pregnancy. Do you want to abort now? Um, NO.

June 2, 2009: Brienna Marie is born into Heaven at 41 weeks. Most beautiful baby ever.

July 2009: Despite what others say, start trying to get pregnant. Tell no one.

August 2009: Trying.

September 2009: Trying.

October 2009: Trying.

Novermber 2009: Trying, convinced this is the month.

December 2009: Still trying.

January 2010: Still trying. Call MD, because of irregular periods: don't worry, keep trying!!

February 2010: Still trying, now with clomid since proved not ovulating.

March 2010: Ovulation!! No pregnancy.

March 2010: House floods. Basement has "catastrophic damage" and we get 3 feet of water on the first floor. Awesome.

April 2010: Still trying.

May 2010: See RE, as it's been one year. Find out am pregnant. Ironic?

Then, let's see. Beta's don't double as they should right away. Okay fine. Go back four days later, they double - yeah! Surely a healthy baby is on the way! Beta's continue to double, things are looking good. First ultrasound at 7 weeks 1 day. See heartbeat! But baby is only measuring 5 weeks 6 days. Uh oh. Next ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days. Only three days growth, but still a constant heartbeat. Next ultrasound at 8 weeks 2 days. No heartbeat :( Now here I am, at 8 weeks 6 days waiting for the dreaded miscarriage to happen. I mean, really?!? I know there are worse things in the world, but I thought that we'd finally have some good luck. I thought "don't worry, things have to be fine. We've been through so much, this is our silver lining." Not so much. Things are not fine. We are losing another baby, another set of hopes and dreams despite my being as realistic and not hopeful as possible. UGH. I am sick of this. I am sick of being those people. I want my daughter back. I want to be pregnant. I want lots of babies. I can get pregnant. I can stay pregnant. Why can't I bring a baby home?