Whiny Bitch

I am a whiny little bitch right now. You were warned.

I feel like I have regressed so much this week. I am miserable. I have zero energy to do anything and would like nothing more than to curl up in my bed and wake up six months from now. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to shower, I don't want to work, I don't want to run, I don't want to smile and I barely want to breathe. I just want to hide. I haven't felt like this in a while and I forgot how debilitating it is.

We found out friends of ours are pregnant with their second baby. Their daughter is 16 months old. Poor P had to tell me and I just started bawling. For the better part of an hour, he just held me and I sobbed. Why does everyone else get what I want so badly? Our girls were supposed to grow up together, but our daughter died. How is that fair? And now here they are, 13 weeks pregnant. It's been slowly killing me every time one of our friends giddily announces they're PREGNANT! With their first BABY! And are so EXCITED! I put on my game face and I'm happy for them. I am. I learned that it's okay to have more than emotion at the same time. But it sucks. I steeled myself for the round of first-timers, but I wasn't ready for the round of second-timers (despite a sneaking suspicion that they were in fact pregnant). I feel like we are so late to the party - which is fitting, because we are late for everything. Except work. I fear the day I am taken by surprise in public and someone will witness me cry that hideous cry you never want anyone to see.

My game face is cracking. I don't know how many more times I can take my heart being be ripped out of my body and stomped on. I am so tired of picking up the pieces and putting it back together. It sucks. And yes, I realize we still have a ways to go before we're even technically considered to be having "trouble". But everything just exacerbates that Bri.enna isn't here. And it sucks. More than I can possibly describe ...

I also got my period. Joy.

So that is why I am a whiny bitch. And I have to work tonight. And Sunday night. And we're supposed to go to a fundraiser for a friend and I just bailed. P is skiing with friends and going afterwards. I am going to wallow on the couch with the stack of Pringles I just bought. At least it's going to be 50 degrees out and I can take B to the beach. Sigh.