Halloween

Last year, I wrote this poem for Brienna:

In my head I wonder about what you would be.

A tiger? A princess? The world's cutest monkey?

Your dad and I discuss it, he's the only one who knows.

What it's like to imagine but never get to know.

I ooh and I ahh at all the other kids,

but inside my heart is breaking for what shouldn't be, is.

It will never be the same for us, it really isn't fair.

You are up in Heaven, while I am stuck down here.

I miss you sweet Brienna,

I see you only in my dreams.

I love you baby girl.

And so tonight I whisper, Happy Halloween.

And this year, though I miss her more than words can ever describe, I'm smiling because of my little man:

How can I not? He's so darn adorable!

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

L.O.V.E.

Picnic Lunch

I had lunch with my daughter today for the first time. It's probably not like you think. It was at the cemetery on her memorial bench that is finally in place. For as long as she's been gone, I dreamed about just sitting down and being with her. And today, that dream came true. I love her bench. I am so happy it's finally ready, but I am so incredibly sad too. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw it. And then I sobbed some more when I sat on it. I rested my head on her name and cried. The ache of losing her hasn't gone away. It never will. But at least now I have a place where I can sit and have lunch with my daughter.

Update

The last time I posted, I was awaiting a miscarriage. It happened. The physical pain was way worse than I thought it would be, mostly because I didn't know if it was normal. I was curled up on the bathroom floor, puking and just miserable. I called the doctor's office crying and they called in pain medications for me. Pat left work early and brought them home for me, but the worst of it was over by that point. So I used them to dull the mental pain.

We decided to take a break from the whole trying to get pregnant thing. We were just plain worn out. About six weeks after the miscarriage, I still hadn't gotten my period. I had been spotting and spotting and just waiting for it to come, but it never did. So on Friday August 20, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. So I went out and bought 5 more. All positive.

I called the MD office on Monday and they scheduled me for blood work. My beta was really high, so they scheduled an ultrasound. I was seven weeks pregnant. Go figure. We had about 6 ultrasounds and everything was normal. So at 12 weeks, I graduated from the RE to my OB.

My AFP was abnormal (which is apparently normal after having a T18 baby) so I had a level II ultrasound and everything looked great. I tried my best to relax and enjoy, but it was hard. I was so afraid to get attached. But it was too late, I was already in love. We opted to keep gender a surprise and settled in for a hopefully normal pregnancy.

Fast forward to April 26, 2011. I'm 6 days overdue and scheduled to be induced the next day. But our munchkin had other plans. I wake up and just feel different. Lots of Braxton-Hicks, and figure I shouldn't make plans. Pat asks before leaving for work if he should pack a bag. I say yes, just in case.

11:30 - call the doctor, tell them contractions are 11 minutes apart.

12:30 - no progress. Decide to get a manicure, pedicure and have eyebrows threaded.

2:45 - talk to Pat. He says he's going to leave work early, I tell him not to bother, since contractions are only 8 minutes apart.

3:15 - contractions 5 minutes apart. Text Pat, might be a good idea to leave early.

3:30 - call MD, they say head to hospital.  Call Pat. COME HOME NOW.

4:00 - leave for hospital in rush hour traffic. Contractions are 3 minutes apart. Arrive at hospital by 5. They take one look at me and say, oh dear. Go right upstairs and find out in full blown labor.  Admitted.

6:30 - glorious, glorious epidural.

7:00 - MD says I'll have a baby tonight.

8:30 - MD says let's do some practice pushes.

8:37 - MD says he's going to get gloves on and that whatever I do, don't push!

8:38 - One final push and the munchkin arrives!!!!

Pat says "It's a boy!" and I think to myself, oh my god. He's huge. Turns out he's 9 lbs. 14 oz!! I just laugh. And then cry my eyes out.

I am totally in love with him. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him for about 6 months and I loved every minute of it.

He is such a fun, cute little man and makes me happier than I ever thought possible.