I just read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. At one point in the book, she talks about soul mates and says, "people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."
Granted the conversation in the book was about her ex-boyfriend, but when I read this, I instantly thought of Brienna. She has truly helped me change my life ... I can say with 100% certainty that I am not the same person I was before I knew Brienna. I continue to be amazed at all that she taught me and continues to teach me. In so many ways, I am lucky.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Week Six
This is the first week that I pretty much followed the training schedule. Well, almost.
Tuesday I just did not want to get out bed. I was a lazy POS all day, but kept thinking about the fact that I should have gone running. I was laying on the couch in the afternoon, and decided to just go for it. I am glad I did! It ended up being a pretty great run. I did 43 minutes, which when I mapped it afterwards was about 4.3 miles. So I'm definitely a 10 minute pace right now, which is fine by me. I didn't even look at my watch until 3.5 miles had gone by, and i even tried to extend the route, which is huge for me.
Wednesday I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, but it was humid out and I was somewhat miserable. I think the 4 miles was easier, which is just crazy to me! I never thought that 4 miles would be easy - woo hoo!
Thursday I again didn't wanted to get out bed. Lazy, lazy. Pat and I planned to go to the gym but of course didn't, so I used Thursday as a rest day.
Friday, I did the 4 miles. I had stayed up until 3AM reading Thursday night, so again, I did not want to get out bed. But, I ran in the afternoon and had a good run. I did 4 miles in 37:40, which is huge for me. I felt good and am happy with my progress thus far.
I did nothing on Saturday - oops.
On to Sunday. The schedule called for running a 5K, but I was starting to get nervous about the fact that we only run 10 miles before the actual race. So I decided that I would attempt 7 miles. It was pouring out, so I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. I ended up doing 8 MILES!!!! I am so freaking proud of myself. The last 18 minutes was tough, but doable. I was even able to up the pace for the last 2 minutes, which made me happy. I ended up doing 80 minutes, and my average pace was 9:50. So really I ran 8.1 miles. Either way, I am ecstatic. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I though it would be. Brienna was with me every step of the way and I have to say, it makes me just want to keep pushing. I am amazed with myself because I'm convinced it's all mental. My knee felt fine (I'm still using the PattStrap, which I love) and I was able to do more than I ever thought possible. I mean, I know the goal is 13.1 miles, but still. I'm just so proud of myself. I need to make sure I really stretch, because I have a feeling I'm going to be sore!
But either way, YEAH!! I think I might be a runner :)
Tuesday I just did not want to get out bed. I was a lazy POS all day, but kept thinking about the fact that I should have gone running. I was laying on the couch in the afternoon, and decided to just go for it. I am glad I did! It ended up being a pretty great run. I did 43 minutes, which when I mapped it afterwards was about 4.3 miles. So I'm definitely a 10 minute pace right now, which is fine by me. I didn't even look at my watch until 3.5 miles had gone by, and i even tried to extend the route, which is huge for me.
Wednesday I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, but it was humid out and I was somewhat miserable. I think the 4 miles was easier, which is just crazy to me! I never thought that 4 miles would be easy - woo hoo!
Thursday I again didn't wanted to get out bed. Lazy, lazy. Pat and I planned to go to the gym but of course didn't, so I used Thursday as a rest day.
Friday, I did the 4 miles. I had stayed up until 3AM reading Thursday night, so again, I did not want to get out bed. But, I ran in the afternoon and had a good run. I did 4 miles in 37:40, which is huge for me. I felt good and am happy with my progress thus far.
I did nothing on Saturday - oops.
On to Sunday. The schedule called for running a 5K, but I was starting to get nervous about the fact that we only run 10 miles before the actual race. So I decided that I would attempt 7 miles. It was pouring out, so I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. I ended up doing 8 MILES!!!! I am so freaking proud of myself. The last 18 minutes was tough, but doable. I was even able to up the pace for the last 2 minutes, which made me happy. I ended up doing 80 minutes, and my average pace was 9:50. So really I ran 8.1 miles. Either way, I am ecstatic. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I though it would be. Brienna was with me every step of the way and I have to say, it makes me just want to keep pushing. I am amazed with myself because I'm convinced it's all mental. My knee felt fine (I'm still using the PattStrap, which I love) and I was able to do more than I ever thought possible. I mean, I know the goal is 13.1 miles, but still. I'm just so proud of myself. I need to make sure I really stretch, because I have a feeling I'm going to be sore!
But either way, YEAH!! I think I might be a runner :)
Week Five
My ITB was sore this week, so I didn't do the 4 mile run I was supposed to on Tuesday. This is the first time that my knee really hurt going down stairs - that sharp pain was back, so I babied my knee and am glad that I did!
Wednesday, Pat, B and I did a 45 minute trail walk, which was great - we were down the Cape.
Thursday, I got up early and took B to the bike path. It was a perfect morning weather-wise. We ran for 45 minutes, and I felt amazing. I timed myself at one point using the mile markers on the trail, and according to that ran a 9-minute mile at least for one mile. That doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense to me, because I don't run that fast. I was thinking that maybe it was marking KM, but 9 minutes for .6 miles doesn't make sense either. So who knows, but either way, I felt great and definitely ran a negative split, which makes me happy :)
I decided to do my long run on Saturday, because we had a wedding on Sunday. I ran 6 miles in 61 minutes - with NO stopping to walk! I was so freaking happy :) I ran in Canton and did an out and back route, and it was great. There is a hill by the high school that almost killed me, but I saw Andrea and Phil right afterwards and that kinda kept me going. And, I talk to Brienna and that helps too. I swear she picks me up as I'm running. 6 miles is a big milestone for me. I'm not sure I've ever run 6 miles, and definitely not all at once. So YEAH!!
Wednesday, Pat, B and I did a 45 minute trail walk, which was great - we were down the Cape.
Thursday, I got up early and took B to the bike path. It was a perfect morning weather-wise. We ran for 45 minutes, and I felt amazing. I timed myself at one point using the mile markers on the trail, and according to that ran a 9-minute mile at least for one mile. That doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense to me, because I don't run that fast. I was thinking that maybe it was marking KM, but 9 minutes for .6 miles doesn't make sense either. So who knows, but either way, I felt great and definitely ran a negative split, which makes me happy :)
I decided to do my long run on Saturday, because we had a wedding on Sunday. I ran 6 miles in 61 minutes - with NO stopping to walk! I was so freaking happy :) I ran in Canton and did an out and back route, and it was great. There is a hill by the high school that almost killed me, but I saw Andrea and Phil right afterwards and that kinda kept me going. And, I talk to Brienna and that helps too. I swear she picks me up as I'm running. 6 miles is a big milestone for me. I'm not sure I've ever run 6 miles, and definitely not all at once. So YEAH!!
Week Four - Long Run
Was supposed to run on Thursday, but didn't. My ITB was sore after Tuesday's run, so I opted against running.
Saturday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical machine for 40 minutes. I can tell I'm in better shape, because I didn't even look at the clock until 41 minutes was up! I was pretty happy about that.
Sunday, Kris and I ran together. We went to the East Bay Bike Path and it was ok. I ended up doing 30/5/23 but didn't love it. Kris and I don't run well together! We ran the first 30 minutes together, and I felt my knee really start to hurt at the end of the 30 minutes which bummed me out. I'm not sure if I picked up my pace or what, but it wasn't the best run in the world to say the least. But I did it, and that is the important part! I find that I'm exhausted on the days I run ...
Saturday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical machine for 40 minutes. I can tell I'm in better shape, because I didn't even look at the clock until 41 minutes was up! I was pretty happy about that.
Sunday, Kris and I ran together. We went to the East Bay Bike Path and it was ok. I ended up doing 30/5/23 but didn't love it. Kris and I don't run well together! We ran the first 30 minutes together, and I felt my knee really start to hurt at the end of the 30 minutes which bummed me out. I'm not sure if I picked up my pace or what, but it wasn't the best run in the world to say the least. But I did it, and that is the important part! I find that I'm exhausted on the days I run ...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Week Four - Tuesday's Run
So, today was another 3.5 mile day. I decided that because Sunday's run went so well, I would try and do the whole thing all at once. And I did!! 37:30 of running ... I definitely run slow, about a 10:30+ mile, but I truly could care less. Just running is a victory for me, so I'm happy.
I did feel some ITB discomfort, so am worried about that. I am hoping that with lots of ice and stretching, I'll be okay. For most of the run, I actually felt pretty good. It was towards the end when my knee hurt that I wanted to just be done already, but I felt really good beyond that. It makes me very happy to be able to say that :)
When I got home, I did a modified chest and back workout. I love the way my arms are looking, and want to keep it up so that they stay nice. I want them more lean, so need to figure out how to get that to happen ... Tomorrow is arms/shoulders, which I'll modify but overall, training is going well. I hope, hope, hope it continues to go this well!
I thank Brienna every day, because she makes it possible for me to do this. And for that, I'm lucky ... I think of her beautiful little face, and it gives me the push I need to keep going. Love it.
I did feel some ITB discomfort, so am worried about that. I am hoping that with lots of ice and stretching, I'll be okay. For most of the run, I actually felt pretty good. It was towards the end when my knee hurt that I wanted to just be done already, but I felt really good beyond that. It makes me very happy to be able to say that :)
When I got home, I did a modified chest and back workout. I love the way my arms are looking, and want to keep it up so that they stay nice. I want them more lean, so need to figure out how to get that to happen ... Tomorrow is arms/shoulders, which I'll modify but overall, training is going well. I hope, hope, hope it continues to go this well!
I thank Brienna every day, because she makes it possible for me to do this. And for that, I'm lucky ... I think of her beautiful little face, and it gives me the push I need to keep going. Love it.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Week Three - Long Run
Friday was a rest day, but since I did nothing on Wednesday, I figured I'd better work out. So I did the P90X legs and back workout. It was harder than I remember and my legs were sore!!
Saturday was 40 minutes of XT, so Pat, B and I walked at a brisk clip for 50 minutes, which I was happy about. I was incredibly nervous for the 5 mile run ... but kinda excited too. I guess I was very anticipatory!
I planned on running along the bike trail, so Pat dropped me off this morning which was excellent. My plan had been to run 17/17/16, so make up the 50 minutes. I wore my Patt Strap for the first time and as I set out, I felt great. I think I must have been running really slowly but I felt fantastic. I was SO happy. I ended up running 30 minutes, walking 5 minutes and running another 23. I couldn't believe it! I actually wanted to keep running at 30 minutes, but decided it probably wasn't the best idea ... I started feeling my ITB on the second leg of the run, but it was okay. I really cannot believe that I ran 5 miles - I am SOO happy!! I really don't think that I have run that far since college. It makes me feel like a million bucks. The weather was close to perfect, which I definitely think had something to do with it because it just felt easy. Which compared to the way I felt on Thursday, it was like I was a different person. I wonder how slowly I was really running, because I felt that good ... I ran extra at the end too, so I know I did at least 5 miles. YEAH!!
Saturday was 40 minutes of XT, so Pat, B and I walked at a brisk clip for 50 minutes, which I was happy about. I was incredibly nervous for the 5 mile run ... but kinda excited too. I guess I was very anticipatory!
I planned on running along the bike trail, so Pat dropped me off this morning which was excellent. My plan had been to run 17/17/16, so make up the 50 minutes. I wore my Patt Strap for the first time and as I set out, I felt great. I think I must have been running really slowly but I felt fantastic. I was SO happy. I ended up running 30 minutes, walking 5 minutes and running another 23. I couldn't believe it! I actually wanted to keep running at 30 minutes, but decided it probably wasn't the best idea ... I started feeling my ITB on the second leg of the run, but it was okay. I really cannot believe that I ran 5 miles - I am SOO happy!! I really don't think that I have run that far since college. It makes me feel like a million bucks. The weather was close to perfect, which I definitely think had something to do with it because it just felt easy. Which compared to the way I felt on Thursday, it was like I was a different person. I wonder how slowly I was really running, because I felt that good ... I ran extra at the end too, so I know I did at least 5 miles. YEAH!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Week Three - Wednesday & Thursday
So yesterday was supposed to be 2 miles or XT, and I cheated and did nothing. I just wasn't up for it ... it was Brienna's three month birthday and it was a struggle just to get out of bed. So I let myself just be all day ...
Today was a 3.5 mile run plus strength training. I did 13/3/12/3/11. The first leg I ran faster than I have been, a 10 minute mile rather than a 10:20 mile. I felt pretty good, but I'm not sure if it messed me up the rest of the time. The second and third legs I was just exhausted. I felt like I was out of gas and running on empty. My legs and my lungs felt heavy, but my ITB was okay until the end of the third leg, which was partly downhill. I got my period yesterday, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with how I felt ... I was also kinda dreading the run, so perhaps that had something to do with it as well? I wish I had just stayed up at 8:00 and run then, rather than go back to bed and run at 11. Bad choice!!
When I got home, I did a modified P90X arm/shoulder workout and ab ripper X. I kinda feel like my arms are getting too big, so I'm not going to do the full P90X workouts and I'll see what happens ... they don't look as lean as I want them too, though I am certainly critical of myself. Pat says I look great, but he would say that no matter what :)
We're heading to the Cape this weekend, which will be nice. I need to try and be careful about my eating, but it's hard there! And sometimes it's like what the hell, I look pretty good, feel pretty good and I might as well enjoy, but then I get home and get mad when the number on the scale goes up, not down. I can't believe I am three months postpartum ... I miss Brienna :( I've cried literally every day for the last three months, but I think I need to give myself permission to not cry. Or at least know that it's okay if I don't cry ...
5 mile run on Sunday, but I might switch it to Saturday because next Sunday we're going to be away and I need to ensure that I run on Saturday ... we'll see how it goes. I'm nervous!!
Today was a 3.5 mile run plus strength training. I did 13/3/12/3/11. The first leg I ran faster than I have been, a 10 minute mile rather than a 10:20 mile. I felt pretty good, but I'm not sure if it messed me up the rest of the time. The second and third legs I was just exhausted. I felt like I was out of gas and running on empty. My legs and my lungs felt heavy, but my ITB was okay until the end of the third leg, which was partly downhill. I got my period yesterday, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with how I felt ... I was also kinda dreading the run, so perhaps that had something to do with it as well? I wish I had just stayed up at 8:00 and run then, rather than go back to bed and run at 11. Bad choice!!
When I got home, I did a modified P90X arm/shoulder workout and ab ripper X. I kinda feel like my arms are getting too big, so I'm not going to do the full P90X workouts and I'll see what happens ... they don't look as lean as I want them too, though I am certainly critical of myself. Pat says I look great, but he would say that no matter what :)
We're heading to the Cape this weekend, which will be nice. I need to try and be careful about my eating, but it's hard there! And sometimes it's like what the hell, I look pretty good, feel pretty good and I might as well enjoy, but then I get home and get mad when the number on the scale goes up, not down. I can't believe I am three months postpartum ... I miss Brienna :( I've cried literally every day for the last three months, but I think I need to give myself permission to not cry. Or at least know that it's okay if I don't cry ...
5 mile run on Sunday, but I might switch it to Saturday because next Sunday we're going to be away and I need to ensure that I run on Saturday ... we'll see how it goes. I'm nervous!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A Pair of Shoes
A Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her child.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her child.
To say I hate my shoes is an understatement. At times, it is almost unbearable to wear them. Other times, I feel numb to them. Today marks three months since Brienna was born. I miss her and ache for her. I am sad today. I worry that people think I should be moving on, shouldn't be as sad anymore. But I can't help it ... I am sad and wish my baby was here with me. All day today, I've been getting texts from my family and friends, telling me that they are thinking about me. They make me feel better, and I am lucky to have them in my life. Knowing that other people love and hurt for Brienna comforts me ... it helps validates my feelings in a way. Nothing can take the pain away, but it helps take the loneliness away, and I am thankful for that. Tomorrow is a new day, one that will hopefully be brighter. But today, I am sad.
I love you and miss you Brienna Marie ...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Week Three
Monday: Stretch and Strengthen. I did a modified P90X chest and back workout (one time through on my own, not following the video) and I did Ab Ripper X.
Tuesday: 3.5 miles. I ran 12/3/12/3/12 and was so happy! The second leg felt the hardest, and I felt my ITB on both the second and third legs of the run ... the first part felt so good. I ran earlier than I have been and the weather was cool and crisp. Perhaps that has something to do with it. I feel so empowered after I run. I feel so good about myself and I think the feeling carries over throughout the day. I'm so glad I ran this morning, as I was out all day and would have been dreading doing it ... running with a purpose makes things so much easier for me. I love running knowing that in a small way, it's for Brienna. I wish she was in a stroller with me :(
Tomorrow is 2 miles or XT. My plan is to do the P90X arms and shoulders workout, as well as Ab Ripper X. My arms are starting to look defined - it's kinda crazy! But I'm embracing it ... it's one area of my life that I have control, and that is a nice feeling.
Tuesday: 3.5 miles. I ran 12/3/12/3/12 and was so happy! The second leg felt the hardest, and I felt my ITB on both the second and third legs of the run ... the first part felt so good. I ran earlier than I have been and the weather was cool and crisp. Perhaps that has something to do with it. I feel so empowered after I run. I feel so good about myself and I think the feeling carries over throughout the day. I'm so glad I ran this morning, as I was out all day and would have been dreading doing it ... running with a purpose makes things so much easier for me. I love running knowing that in a small way, it's for Brienna. I wish she was in a stroller with me :(
Tomorrow is 2 miles or XT. My plan is to do the P90X arms and shoulders workout, as well as Ab Ripper X. My arms are starting to look defined - it's kinda crazy! But I'm embracing it ... it's one area of my life that I have control, and that is a nice feeling.
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