We called the funeral home so late and they came to pick her up. P and I had dressed her in her burial outfit, as we didn't expect to see her again. I went home on Wednesday afternoon, and we talked with Brian, the funeral home director. We met with him on Thursday and he helped us with all of the funeral arrangements - to say he was incredible is an understatement.
P and I had already selected readings and music for the funeral mass. Brian talked with us about prayer cards, burial sites and a million other things I can't recall. He put us in touch with Jimmy at the cemetery. We met Jimmy and chose the spot for our daughter to be buried. It was surprisingly peaceful to do so. It was a sunny day; the birds were chirping, the trees were gently blowing in the wind and P and I walked around and picked the perfect spot. We purchased two plots; one for him and one for me. Brienna rests between us ...
Brian asked about Brienna's outfit and gently suggested that we might need a new one. I asked if it was because she leaked a little and he said I wasn't going to say that, but yes. I should have known ... we asked about whether or not seeing her again would be a good idea, and it didn't seem as though it would be. It is still all so surreal.
P and I woke up Friday morning and brought Brienna's new outfit to the funeral home. When we got there, I realized that she would also need a new diaper and started to panic, because we hadn't brought one with us ... a baby just needs a diaper. My baby needed a diaper. And we didn't have one ... we went to CVS, but they had no preemie diapers. And then I remembered that my friend Sarah had sent an entire basket of baby goodies that we would hopefully need to my parents house. The basket had preemie diapers. So my sister met us at the funeral home, and brought us the preemie diapers. I don't know why, but I just needed her to have a diaper.
Choosing a new outfit for Brienna was hard. How do you pick the last outfit your baby will ever wear? We laid out all her clothes on the bed in the spare bedroom and one by one decided that all but one were wrong ... we chose a pink onesie with little butterflies on it. She's wearing a matching hat, pink booties and is holding a little lamb that my mom had gotten her. She is wrapped in the softest blanket - it's pink, purple and yellow plaid. Her little Brienna bracelet from Shannon is on her left wrist.
Friday night, P went out to print some pictures and return the car seat we had bought, in the hopes that we would in fact need it. I feel so badly that he did that alone ... I had no idea he was planning on doing that, but he told me that he didn't want it to make me sad every time we got in the car. I have no idea what I would do without him.
When he came home, he had a surprise for me ... he had made this perfect little book of photos: one for us and one for Brienna. He wanted her family to always be with her ... there is at least one picture of everyone in our family (including Bailey) and there are pictures of our wedding, pictures of us being silly, pictures of us pregnant ... and then pictures of us with her in our arms. It was the sweetest idea I had ever heard ... The book is with Brienna in her tiny white casket, so that she is never alone.
She was also buried with baby pearl rosary beads. I have a matching pair. Hers are in her right hand, and her clenched little fist was holding them in place. I say my prayers with them every night and think of her ... I also printed out all of the letters that I had written to her while I was pregnant. They're bound together and tied with ribbon and are with her, so that hopefully she knows how much I love her ...
Brienna is also wearing a Celtic cross pin ... P bought one for each of us, as well as for our parents, siblings and grandmothers. They were blessed the morning of her funeral and we all wore them that day. I keep mine in my purse, and wear it occasionally ... I am petrified I am going to lose it. It's a link to my baby, and every link to her is so precious.
The morning of the funeral was surreal. It was overcast, but not really raining. We headed up to my parents house, as my dress was there. My mom and my sister had bought it for me ahead of time ... it was simple, but beautiful. It covered my jelly belly (for the most part) and we rigged it so that I didn't look too horrible - my milk had come in so my boobs were enormous. It struck me that I would never buy a dress for my daughter's wedding, that this was it. It was sad.
P and I drove to the funeral home. A limo would later pick up my parents and bring them to the funeral home. When we got there, I was already crying. Brian said that we could see Brienna, her casket was open. I will never forget walking in the room and seeing her. I had been to so many wakes in that room, never thinking I'd be seeing my daughter there. Her little white casket was so small! It was resting on the pink blanket that she was wrapped in leaving the hospital. There were several flower arrangements, and they were all beautiful. We had opted not to have other family members meet us at the funeral home. P and I had some time with her, and then our parents and siblings arrived. It was perfect.
Seeing Brienna again brought me more comfort than I could have ever known. Being able to touch her and kiss her again was incredible. I didn't think we'd have the chance. And she looked so perfect! The bootie on her left foot was on inside out and I was compelled to fix it. And I am glad I did. I can still remember touching her cute little legs, kissing her cheeks, her nose, her forehead, her lips. I held her hand again and never wanted to let go. The finality of death is something that I'm not sure has really hit me yet ...
My brother and sister-in-law live in WI, but flew in for the funeral. They were supposed to be at a wedding, but skipped it to be with us. I am so grateful to them for that. They were able to see Brienna and I am so happy that they did. It's their first niece and knowing that they were able to touch her and kiss her makes me smile.
For the most part, I kept my composure. Until P and I were the last ones left and said our final goodbyes to her. It sucked. I hated leaving her. I asked P if we could just sneak her out with us and I was not entirely kidding.
Brian arranged a limo to take us to the funeral and the cemetery and back home. There was a police escort. And he charged us absolutely nothing. I am still amazed at his kindness and generosity. We literally didn't pay for a thing except the announcement in the papers and the plots at the cemetery. Jimmy at the cemetery even waived the $1000 fee to open the graves. I remain overwhelmed that people can be so kind. Brienna taught us that ... how amazing is she??
I barely remember walking into the funeral. I just remember watching Brian carry Brienna's little casket to the altar. I am still struck by how small it was ... how little it looked and how sad it made me that I couldn't be with her.
Father Bob said the funeral mass. He is a family friend of P's mom and also married us. It was touching to have someone who knew us and knew her say the Mass. The service was beautiful. And more than one person commented on how touched they were. Father Bob spoke of what a gift Brienna was. My uncle said it was the first funeral he'd been to that actually made some sort of sense.
I had written a eulogy and was somehow able to speak. P stood with me the entire time. It's nearly impossible to say how much your daughter means to you and what it means to lose her ...
By the time we arrived at the cemetery, the sun was starting to shine. Brienna was laid to rest. Brian had a marker that said "Our Little Angel" with her picture and her birthday - June 2, 2009. There were so many people there, I am still amazed. There were so many people I didn't even see ... I was in such a daze ... the whole day was surreal.
My parents invited everyone back to their house for lunch. I talked to so many people and yet barely remember. I was not in my finest form. Yet I think because I had a role to play, it was almost easier than the grim reality we faced after the funeral. I dreaded going home that night because it meant that things were really over. We had spent the last nine months planning for her arrival and then we planned her funeral. The "now what?" feeling was overwhelming.
My mom found a woman who makes rosary beads out of flowers. We saved some of the flowers from Brienna's funeral and my mom and I are having rosary beads made out of them. They will be pale pink and I cannot wait to see them.
